Scarleteen

Hi, I am new here.
I am a 20 year old female and I am a virgin. By that I mean, I have never had intercourse with anyone. I have never even kissed/been kissed. I grew up in a VERY strict and controlling environment and was expected to keep the rules of my parents and my church. I had a boyfriend that I was really in love with and he was from the same community (i dont dare call it a cult but...), but we always kept our physical interaction to just snuggling. We were together for a long time during my teenage years and so I never had to feel pressured to kiss him or have sex. We knew we wanted it, but we were afraid because of our parents and the punishments if we broke those rules. Now I am away from home, and I have decided that Im ready to experiment a little. I dont want to have sex unless I really know the person or am really atracted to him. I have been here and there with tinder dates but I have never been attracted enough to even kiss him at the end of our dates. I am terrified of meeting someone I am very attracted to, only to make a fool out of myself when I try to get physical. Im just really shy and timid and I feel like a loser because I am so inexperienced. What do I do? If I want to kiss someone how can I make it natural? I sure dont want to tell this hypothetical guy that I have never even kissed before. Its already a shocking enough fact that Im a virgin, and then it feels like a lot of guys just want to get in my pants because of that. How can I explore all these things?

Hi,

It's super cool that you're thinking about experimenting and opening yourself up to brand new experiences! It can be excited but it can also be kinda scary. I totally understand where you're coming from because I actually grew up in a pretty strict environment growing up, with no information given to me about kissing, sex, etc. As I grew out of my shell, I have realized that just being upfront and honest about your previous experiences (or lack of) is super helpful. It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. If your future partner doesn't respect your past or isn't willing to understand, they obviously don't deserve your respect.

Also, if and when you do decide to have sex, always remember to be safe about it! There are plenty of helpful articles about condoms, contraception, etc on Scarleteen. Best of luck!

Before anything else? Take a breath.

It's not that unusual for someone your age not to have had any sexual experience, or to have had little. We have users come here all the time in their 20s with these kinds of same concerns, all usually convinced they are the only person their age on earth in this spot. We also know from study that a lot of people are in your spot at your age.

So, for one, for all you know your hypothetical guy is at a similar level of experience. Let's also hypothetically assume you're not going to choose to get sexual with anyone where it wouldn't be okay for you to be who you are, learn as you go (and vice-versa for your hypothetical partner, since you will be brand new to them too, regardless of if they had previous experience with others). Let's hypothetically assume you feel comfortable enough with that partner for it to be okay to be silly and awkward sometimes (as sex will often be no matter what). And that the partner you choose won't want to have sex with you because they want to be kind of your vagina or something (ew).

See where I am going here? Why are you imagining scenarios and dynamics or partners where this is all problematic or weird or some kind of performance, instead of where it's all okay?