Wanted: Thoughts on Sex Positivity

[whatsername]

Hi all! I'm a newbie, and I'd love to start a discussion on a topic I've been trying to learn more about: sex positivity. I first learned about the ideology several months ago, when I started reading a comic series that explores sex and sexuality. I won't start talking about the comic because this post would turn into a fan-girl review and that's not my intention . Anyway, I've been hunting down articles, books, talks, magazines, poetry, etc. about the ideology ever since. The basic idea of sex positivity is that all sex, as long as it's healthy and consensual, is a positive act. Or at least that's my interpretation of it. I'm curious how people in this community interpret, amend, and apply (or do not apply) the ideology. Also I'd like to hear about your views on its relationships with popular culture(s), mainstream and independent pornography, intersectional feminism, and the LGBTQIA community. Whatever you lovelies would like to chat about!

[Mo]

Hi whatsername, welcome to the Scarleteen forums.

I'm happy to talk about this with you! "Sex-positivity" as a term is something I've seen discussed and interpreted in a few different ways and I think it's a framework that's really helpful and useful for some people and maybe less so for others. Other ways I've seen it described or defined are something like "desiring and having sex isn't bad or shameful" or "your sexuality is a positive part of who you are" or "being sexually active doesn't decrease your worth or tarnish you in any way," which all convey different facets of the same general idea and are all the sort of statement I really could have used earlier in my life, to be honest.

For those who've been taught a lot of shame around sex, whether that's related to their gender, orientation, kinks or preferences that might be seen as "weird," societal expectations of "purity," etc. I think it can be incredibly affirming! I certainly experienced some really toxic and negative views about sex and sexuality when I was in my teens, and it was a relief the first time I heard anything about sexuality in general - and my own experiences/feelings in particular - as positive and important.

At the same time I think it can be really easy to universalize one's feelings, and taking the step from "I feel really positive about sex and sexuality, and I hope other people can feel that same way" to "sex is and should be a positive thing for everyone" can leave some folks behind. Some people can't feel positive about sex - maybe situationally, maybe always - and I think it's important to not set an expectation on them that they should if they don't, or that choosing not to talk about sex or not to have sex = being immature or repressed. I've seen some criticisms of sex-positivity that say it leaves out people who are asexual, victims of rape or abuse, or engaging in survival sex, among others. And yep, some folks who consider themselves sex-positive probably are speaking in ways that erase those groups - but certainly I've seen approaches that don't do that.

I guess my thought here is that if people are being sexual I want them to feel free to make choices that feel good for them, without shame or stigma, and to feel like their sexuality is a positive thing - but that also there shouldn't be room for shame or stigma for folks who just aren't interested in sex at all, or who see it as a job that is annoying or frustrating sometimes (just like any job is). I can understand why some people aren't keen on calling themselves sex-positive but overall I think it's a framework that can be really positive.

If I think about how I incorporate sex-positivity into my own life, let's see...a lot of questions we get here at Scarleteen (especially in our live chat service, where I spend a lot of my volunteer time) are from people asking if their sexual feelings are abnormal or bad, so saying "no, that's all ok to feel" whenever someone asks is a big part of it. I have some close friends who I feel really comfortable talking about sex with and that's really positive for all of us, I think. It fosters a lot of nonsexual intimacy to talk about sex with good friends!
And it inspires me to support causes that make sex likely to be safer and better for all sorts of people: accessible sexual and reproductive healthcare, comprehensive sex education, support for survivors of rape and abuse, better working conditions for sex workers in legal fields and legalization of sex work in others, anti-racism activism...there are a lot of ways in which the idea of sex-positivity can intersect with activism, for sure.

[whatsername]

Thank you for such a thoughtful response! I hadn't considered the expectation this can set that everyone should always enjoy sex or should want to have sex. I have a close friend who recently told me they are asexual, and since then we've had some great discussions about cultural expectations surrounding sex and sexuality. Especially the shame that can grow from worrying that personal experiences or desires are "wrong" or "abnormal," like many users have asked about here. And I have also found that talking about sex with good friends, especially those with different preferences and/or beliefs than my own, fosters a very supportive community. I would like to take the inclusive aspect of sex positivity and apply it to advocating for comprehensive and accessible sexual health education and services.