Gender Identity in Turmoil

[moonlight]

My gender identity is in turmoil right now. I have been questioning my gender identity for a long time, but I've only really just today decided to grab the bull by the horns and confront this instead of burying my head in the sand and pretending those thoughts don't exist.

I have always bucked certain aspects of femininity (I am FAAB), so my first thought about a non-cis gender identity was that I must be a trans man. So I tried binding my breasts, wearing clothes targeted at men and seeing how it felt to ID as a man.

But that didn't feel right.

That was 4 or 5 years ago and in the past few years, I've started occasionally introducing myself with gender neutral (they/them) pronouns when in LGBT+ positive spaces.

As recently as today my introduction consists of my name, and the fact that I don't like pronouns, but won't be offended by she/her or they/them pronouns.

I had some very interesting conversations with some people with non-cis identities at the queer and trans community centre on my campus today, which really got me thinking.

I identified particularly strongly with some of the things that an agender person was saying about their experiences.

I feel like I've been thrown back in time to when I was coming to terms with my sexual orientation. There are so many parallels.

The biggest parallel being how scared and different I am feeling. How scared I am of possibly coming out to people once I figure this out and of how closed minded people will treat me.

I have reached out to someone I know a little bit who uses gender neutral pronouns to see if they would be interested in talking with me about all of this.

But in the interim, I figured y'all wouldn't mind giving me a bit of support.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but resources and/or personal stories would be good if anyone has any to offer.

I've got so much going on in my life right now that I almost feel I don't have time to figure this out, but I've been tabling this for too long and it's time to start working it out.

[KittyPink]

Mhhmmm... I'm not sure what to say. Guess I'll just say, I identify as a woman (AMAB), despite not being heavily identified with all feminine traits and the such. My gender identity was also very vague at times, subtle at best. Like gym classes, I always remember wanting to be with the girls and be friends with girls, but I also felt as if I didn't belong with the guys. I felt more at home being with and considered to be with the girls, despite anxiety later on after some incidents.

[moonlight]

Edit: thanks KittyPink for your own perspective.

UPDATE:

My acquaintance/possible new friend has agreed to talk with me soon. And I went to peer support hours at the community centre and had a good chat with someone whom, although cisgender-identified and not very educated about non-binary identities, was very supportive and helpful.

I also have started scouring the internet for communities, organizations, and blogs/vlogs/podcasts about genderqueer and otherwise gender non-conforming folks. I feel less alienated, isolated, and alone than before. And I'm even starting to feel less lonely.

But I still have a million questions, many of which only I can answer for myself. I guess time and hard work is the only way to get those answers.

I'd still love to hear the experiences of any of you reading this who identify outside of the gender binary.

[KittyPink]

Edit: thanks KittyPink for your own perspective.

UPDATE:

My acquaintance/possible new friend has agreed to talk with me soon. And I went to peer support hours at the community centre and had a good chat with someone whom, although cisgender-identified and not very educated about non-binary identities, was very supportive and helpful.

I also have started scouring the internet for communities, organizations, and blogs/vlogs/podcasts about genderqueer and otherwise gender non-conforming folks. I feel less alienated, isolated, and alone than before. And I'm even starting to feel less lonely.

But I still have a million questions, many of which only I can answer for myself. I guess time and hard work is the only way to get those answers.

I'd still love to hear the experiences of any of you reading this who identify outside of the gender binary.

Glad to hear that, unfortunately, feeling alienated is something I have problems with.

[Mo]

Hi moonlight,

I feel like nonbinary folks' experiences and feelings can be really different from another but I'm a nonbinary trans person and if there are aspects of my identity or my process-of-understanding-myself that would be helpful to hear about, I'm happy to go into detail about some of that! I'm not sure what you'd find most helpful to hear, but ask away and I'll do my best to answer.

Also, I wrote a piece this past summer about the state of being questioning/uncertain/fluid about gender identity, and if you haven't seen it before it might be helpful. You can find that here .

[moonlight]

Hey Mo!

I guess my biggest question is how do you deal with people who've never even heard the term "non-binary trans person"?

And secondly, if you are out to your parents, how did you handle that?

[Mo]

First off, I had tried to post this reply much earlier today but there was an error and it didn't go up - sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

If I'm talking with someone who's not aware of nonbinary identities, I find that a quick "I'm X, which means Y" (with an optional "so please do Z") script can be helpful. So I might say "I'm a nonbinary trans dude, which for me means I've undergone some aspects of transition but am not binarily-gendered at all" and maybe "so please use he or they pronouns for me" or "so I'm not really comfortable joining the men's group" or "so if there's a gender neutral restroom I'd rather use that," whatever.
My thought with this is that you're not necessarily making it a big discussion (if you want to, that's great; I am generally not in the mood to Be An Educator to folks I don't know well) - you have a fact, a clarification/explanation, and an optional request/action.
If someone wants to argue with you about your identity you are under no obligation to humor them! It's ok to say "this is real whether you accept it or not" and move on (although I realize that this can be tough in the moment).

I am out to my parents, for the most part. When I came out to them it was not at a moment I chose (my dad knew something was up with me and badgered me into disclosure), and the discussion was very focused on the hormone therapy aspect of medical transition, since I had started that a few weeks before.
I feel like the distinction of "I am taking testosterone, I am not a woman, but I'm not really saying I'm a man either" was a bit lost on them, especially because I was not actually having the conversation at a time when I was at all prepared, and we haven't talked about a lot of nuances of identity since then - so as a result I'm pretty sure their perception of me is much more binary-trans than I see myself.
At the same time, though, they accept my nonbinary partner's identity with no real issue; they aren't great w/using they/them pronouns, but in terms of general understanding and acceptance they're doing just fine. So I think if I was going to open up a bit more about my gender it would be well-received. With them it's been an ongoing process, though; I came out to them just over ten years ago and I'd say there was a VERY rough first year and some shakiness for several years after that, in terms of feeling like they really had my back. I was really the first trans person either of them encountered in real life and they had a lot of misconceptions to unpack.

[moonlight]

Thanks for the reply Mo.

Yeah I might be the first trans person, binary or otherwise, that my parents ever encounter outside of the media. Most certainly the first genderqueer person my parents ever meet (I'd be shocked if they were even aware of identities like that) will be me.

So there will be some major unpacking of misconceptions and transphobia to do.

But I'm not ready to be their educator.

I've had similar issues with my parents and they always come around. It's that time before they come around that freaks me out.

I came out to my very liberally-minded aunt and uncle together over the phone and they were incredibly supportive. They asked what they could do to help, so I sent them some information. They also told me my parents will love me no matter what, but it will be hard to adjust to a new name especially and that they might feel hurt because they picked my name so it might feel like I am rejecting them. They also told me I am under no obligation to tell them until I am ready.

[Sam W]

Hi Moonlight,

It's awesome that your aunt and uncle are being so supportive! You mention you sent them some information. Do you feel like that's something you've be able to do with your parents when you're ready to come out to them? In other words, do you think you'd be okay setting a boundary where you're happy to supply them with information (or places to get that information) but you're not comfortable acting as their educator (which, by the by, is a totally okay way to feel)?

[Mo]

I know my dad's initial reaction to me wanting to change my name was not great; I was named after his grandmother and it did feel like a rejection when I made it clear that I was going by Mo and wanted a legal name change. We talked about it a bit; for me, the part of my name that felt important was my last name, which I had already decided I didn't want to change if I got married. That was my connection to my family, and I talked to him about that, and about how I had no problem with his choice or the name itself but that it just didn't fit me or feel comfortable to me anymore. I've found that some people take any sort of transition VERY personally - like changing how you present or what you call yourself is a referendum on them and their choices - and it's ok to say "this isn't about you or anything you did, it's about what is right for me."

I have known trans people who've involved their family in a name change in some way, if they didn't already have a clear name in mind when coming out to family. Ways I've seen this go down are: asking parents or other family members to help come up with a new name, using a family name, asking if parents had a name in mind for if they'd been assigned a different gender at birth. I don't think any of these would have worked for me, as name stuff was really personal and was all something I wanted to think about and choose for myself, but something like that might appeal to you.

[moonlight]

It's awesome that your aunt and uncle are being so supportive! You mention you sent them some information. Do you feel like that's something you've be able to do with your parents when you're ready to come out to them? In other words, do you think you'd be okay setting a boundary where you're happy to supply them with information (or places to get that information) but you're not comfortable acting as their educator (which, by the by, is a totally okay way to feel)?

I think that this is most likely what I will do when I am ready, thank you for giving me the idea! The real question is whether or not they respect that boundary...

I've found that some people take any sort of transition VERY personally - like changing how you present or what you call yourself is a referendum on them and their choices - and it's ok to say "this isn't about you or anything you did, it's about what is right for me."

This is something I'm very concerned about and I guess saying what you suggested is really all I can do to counteract it.

In positive news, I came out to a club I am a part of with my new name and pronouns and they were, if a little surprised, very supportive.

[Mo]

I'm glad to hear that you had a pretty good experience coming out to a group of people! That's great.