Scarleteen

Hi, I've recently started dating for the first time and I'm having a lot of conflicting emotions about it.
I'm 16 and have only recently started embracing my lesbian identity. However just as I was starting to work things out, one of my friends asked me out. She is mtf transgender but has not been allowed to transition and presents completely masculinly. When she asked me out I said yes on impulse, but ever since I've been questioning whether I'm really attracted to her.
Romantically out relationship works as well as any other high school romance does but not only is my sex drive pretty low sexually I am just not attracted to her male body.
I'm comfortable with some sexual stuff and she was extremely excited to try it so we've messed around a bit, and while I get some enjoyment from her stimulating me, I can't stimulate her properly because I am not comfortable with touching penises. I feel guilty because I know it isn't really fair to her, especially because she seen as to have a higher sex drive than I do.
I want to talk about this with her, but she isn't in a great place mentally, and I'm worried if I tell her how I'm feeling she will blame herself and it will increase her gender dysphoria.
I'm posting this now because lately she's been talking about our future and where we're going to live and how we'll save up for her transition and it makes me really uncomfortable, because this is only my first time dating.
There's more, but this is already a,long post so I'm going to go ahead and sign off. Any advice is appreciated!

Hi yay.hamlett,

Welcome to Scarleteen!

This is a really difficult situation to be in. I first want to commend you on understanding where you stand and knowing what you are and are not comfortable with in a relationship. However, I'd urge you to really fight the feeling of guilt. We do not choose who we feel attracted to. Similarly, it is not fair to ourselves nor our partners, to be in relationships that we do not want to be in.

I want to stick in an excerpt from a thread that articulates really well what I want to get across:

It can be tempting to put off a breakup because you don't want to hurt someone you still care about, or because you want to wait until you figure out how to do it perfectly, but while that might side-step conflict in the short term, it's likely to make the breakup messier and more painful when it inevitably does happen. It's not fair to either of you to let the relationship continue for long once you're sure you want to end it. Having to fake emotions you're not feeling will be a drain on you, and it's likely that your [girlfriend] will pick up on the fact that something's wrong, even if [she] isn't sure what, as time goes on.

(Although the initial question isn't that relevant to your current situation, the answer addresses the issue of hard breakups, if you want to check it out: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... _our_fri_0 )

Let me know how this all feels and what you think would be most helpful for you right now.

Thank you for the quick response. However, I'm not sure that I want to break up with her. As I said in my previous post I like her and enjoy our romantic relationship, and to a certain degree our sexual one. My main concerns are that she is already assuming that this will be a long term relationship and how to discuss my limitations with her male body without increasing her dysphoria. Already she frequently talks about how "gay" I am or how I'm "such a lesbian" and it's always in a joking way but i I can't help thinking that she is (subconsciously) using the fact that she is in a relationship with a lesbian to personally validate her gender identity, especially because she doesn't seem satisfied until I respond that yes, I am a lesbian. This doesn't necessarily bother me, but I'm nervous what kind of impact it will have on her if I tell her that her body doesn't please me sexually, especially because she is already struggling with anxiety and depression as well as dysphoria.
Again, I do care for her and do not currently wish to end our relationship, but i dont how best to go about discussing these things with her.

Hi yay.hamlett,

It sounds like a next step for you two is to have the relationship expectations talk. That gives you both a chance to make sure that your needs are compatible, especially in terms of how the relationship is structured (for instance, it sounds like you entered it with a "let's see where this goes" mindset and she may have entered it differently). It's possible that this conversation could lead to you both realizing it's best to end the relationship, or it could give you both some information to make the relationship stronger.

If you're open to it, I also think there's an opportunity to reframe how you conceptualize her body. Partners of trans folks, especially those who can't or don't want to physically transition, will talk about viewing their partner's body as the same gender as their partner, rather than as a marker of the gender they are not. This often sounds like, "My partner is a woman, therefore all of her body parts are those of a woman, even if some of them are typically considered "male." Does that kind of reframe feel like it would be helpful to you?