Dealing with memories

[Charliecat]

I'm not really sure that this is the place to be posting this, but I would really appreciate some advice. Recently I've been getting very intimate with someone whom I have had a strong relationship with for years. Engaging in pleasuring each other, though, I am struggling to deal with what I suppose could be described as flashbacks. I was sexually abused by a close family member when I was younger and, though I have received help and thought I had healed, I am now finding it difficult to engage in sexual activities with my partner. I love them very much, and they have made it clear that they want to have sex, though they have made it even clearer still that they are happy to wait until I'm ready. Although I want this too, the memories of what happened often make such situations very upsetting for myself. I would just appreciate some advice on how to deal with this, as although I thought I had gotten over it, it is now affecting my relationship. Thank you for your time

[Karyn]

Welcome to Scarleteen, Charliecat: it's absolutely fine to post this here, and I'm glad you've found us, although I'm sorry some tough stuff is what brought you here.

Unfortunately, dealing with and healing from abuse is in some ways a lifelong process. Even when you think you've healed and moved on, it's still possible for new experiences to trigger flashbacks, and as a result for some more healing work to be done. It sounds like your partner is wonderful and supportive, which is excellent, but you also mentioned that you received help before this: can I ask if that help is still available to you, and would you consider contacting that person(s) again to talk about this?

[Charliecat]

I was seeing a counsellor for a while, though the sessions stopped around 6 months ago as I was in a much better place. I could contact them, however honestly I wouldn't be overly comfortable to, as I believe they would not approve of me engaging in such sexual activities due to my age, and the fact that my partner who, as you said is extremely supportive, is a little older than me.

[Karyn]

Thanks for clarifying that; if you don't feel comfortable seeing that particular counsellor again that's understandable. Some of the things you worked on with that counsellor might still be useful here, however; did you work on any strategies to manage flashbacks and triggers when they happened? If so, that's something you can apply to dealing with flashbacks during sexual activity. (And, if your partner is aware of what your specific triggers are and how you manage them, that can be helpful too.)

Too, are there any kinds of sex or physical contact that aren't triggering for you?

[Charliecat]

My partner is aware of the triggers and my feelings, but I've never discussed strategies and such with them. I think maybe talking with them about that could be a good idea then. We have been exploring different methods together, and the only thing currently causing huge problems is when their fingers go inside. It's for this reason that I really want to be able to deal with this better, as I am aware of their desire to engage in something more intimate, as well as sometimes feeling the want to myself. However I am very wary of how triggering this could be since when they have entered with their fingers it has been rather upsetting.

[Karyn]

If you haven't shared your strategies for dealing with triggers with your partner, then yep, that could be a help, particularly if you've found that there are specific kinds of support you prefer to have. I would also suggest that for now, it's a good idea to hold off on any kinds of sex that you find triggering, even if you may also sometimes want to engage in those activities.

I'm also wondering if you've thought about seeking out other sources of professional help, who you might feel more comfortable talking about this with? For example, organisations that provide support and counselling specifically around sexual abuse are well aware of the impact it can have on someone's sex life further down the track, and regardless of your age are likely more than willing to help you find ways to have a sexual life that's satisfying and enjoyable for you.

[Charliecat]

The support I received before was through the school, and I'm not sure how to access such professional help. It's something I would now consider looking into, though. Thank you very much for taking the time to help

[Karyn]

Okay, so if the support you got before wasn't from someone who specialised in helping survivors of assault and abuse, it could definitely be worthwhile seeking out someone who is. I'm not terribly familiar with orgs in the UK, but a google search turned up The Survivors Trust. You can call them on 0808 801 0818 for advice and information and at the very least they should be able to suggest some possible resources that are local to you. They also have a list of national helplines for survivors here, including one for survivors of any kind of childhood abuse: http://thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/

[Charliecat]

Oh wow, that could be of some help. I would definitely look further into that for advice and some local resources, thank you. Thank you for your time, I really appreciate your support.

[Karyn]

You're very welcome: if you need anything else, please let us know!