Scarleteen

Hi guys, my boyfriend and I recently had a long talk and put our cards on the table. We were very honest and talked a lot and it really helped us evaluate whether we'll still be together (the previous help you gave with this issue was helpful in that regard, so thank you). We are staying together - but our talk illuminated a possible problem my boyfriend has with porn.

My boyfriend has said that although he does still find me attractive and get aroused he gets 'bored' at times and wants to go home to masturbate to porn when spending the weekend at my house. He thinks it's nice to see other images of women. He has trouble getting aroused with me and we have been having sex less frequently and less comfortably. Previously, he has been on anti-depressant medication, which also seemed to affect things at the time.

While I don't find porn itself to be too big a problem, the fact that he would rather leave a real-life sex scenario to masturbate alone to porn is a bit troubling. He has been watching porn since he was 12 and cannot masturbate without it. We have been fighting as of late, so it's understandable that porn would be more helpful right now, but it seems to have been a problem for much longer than we have been fighting.

We both think that it has reached a problem point, but don't really know where to go with this. Does this sound like problematic behaviour with porn? Neither of us have experiences to compare it to nor people to ask regarding this. My boyfriend does see a counsellor, but has said it would be too uncomfortable to talk to her about this.

Any guidance on this?

Hi ajj2234,

I'd say that porn is unlikely to be a factor here... if it's part of his masturbation and has been since puberty, and probably earlier on in your relationship, it doesn't sound like his use of it relates to your relationship.

Plenty of relationships involve people masturbating and using porn when they are apart, and that includes when they are having less or more sex with eachother, or when their feelings of attraction are stronger or at a low.

However, sometimes we might find it easier to believe that something external like porn-use can explain changes that are scary within a relationship.

Change in sexual attraction or 'libido' can be a very common side effect in anti-depressants, especially SSRIs, so maybe it would be something to speak to his doctor about, if it is worrying him.

If you've been fighting recently I can think that might affect attraction too. You say 'still' finds you attractive... if you feel that attraction has changed over time... that can happen too, without necessarily being caused by an underlying problem. I also wonder if he is feeling any pressure at the moment to have sex or get aroused as a way of showing you he still feels a certain way for you? If so that might have an influence on his confidence too.

I think it could be really helpful for you guys to think of sex/arousal/orgasm not as a goal, but just something that canhappen when you feel good in the relationship (but not always. See: many many awesome friendships).

What are the fights you've mentioned. Could that be something you'd like insight on?

It's not so much that he's using it, just that he claims to be attracted to me, but also that he feels uncomfortable having sex with me after we've had sex once or twice that week and would prefer to go home and masturbate to porn so he can look at other women. That makes me feel really uncomfortable - I have never actually been satisfied with the amount of sex we have had over five years (this is something I keep quiet though). But I've also never felt bored with his body.

He did say that the boredom thing has been occurring since the fighting so you may no right about it reflecting our relationship.

I think he might feel a bit of pressure to perform if we have been fighting, but after our talk yesterday I've tried to make it abundantly clear that I don't like that and it makes me quite uncomfortable to think he feels like it's something he 'should' do.

Not so much - we keep having childish fights over very small things that escalate and reveal larger problems.

Hi, if there's nothing more to be said about porn being the issue, could I please have some advice on how to handle learning about this from my boyfriend?

It came out quite suddenly and it's a blow to my self esteem to know that he feels uncomfortable being around me for too long because he wants to look at other women on porn.

Hi aj

Sorry for my delay getting back to you!

What sort of things you are fighting about? Do you have any idea where it is coming from?

Feeling attractive to a partner can feel really (really) nice but sadly that thrill often doesn't last forever, and sometimes not past the early beginnings of relationships. It can be really tough because when we realise 'this person makes me feel great and awesome about myself and my body!' it can be such a relief. However when it comes to self-esteem, that can be a longer project that you have for yourself. Other people might factor into it, but it essentially comes from us.

If your boyfriend was actively attacking or undermining your self esteem we could talk about whether he is the right person for you or (anybody) to be with. But it doesn't sound like that is happening?

It sounds like there has been some changes in attraction and the pressures on the relationship. Which can reveal things you might not like about the relationship. So if you would like out of the relationship that is totally reasonable.

If we talk about self esteem is there anything outside of the relationship which helps you? Are there activities that help you feel good about yourself?

I also wanted to add that it's sounding like there are some ongoing problems with the relationship as a whole, and when that is the case, sex is often the first thing to go or get weird, not the last.

In other words, it's unusual for couples to be able to have a good sex life when they have unresolved issues or big problems in a relationship they haven't worked out, or aren't working out. If you're at each other's throats in general, getting along in bed -- or even wanting to still be sexual together in the first place -- isn't likely.

Have you two talked about setting your sex life aside for now while you figure out and work on the larger problems in the relationship?

Apologies for the delay in response!

He's not really the one attacking my self esteem - he's made a few jibes here and there (not made with malice), but it's more my own insecurities that compound what he's saying into something that affects me more. But again, he doesn't often makes comments that way.

Neither of us want out - we've had a long talk about that. It's just been really hard to me to get used to the idea of porn. I like it and have and do watch it but I don't need it to be sexually attracted to him, not to masturbate. I think not being to understand things is making my insecurities a bit worse.

To be honest, not much is making me feel good about myself. I've started full time work in a low income job (it's a charity) and don't feel great about that. I've started fitness pole dancing though and I do feel really good about myself there so that's nice.

Hi Heather, thank you for saying that it's comforting to know. We are trying to work on things on a whole and for the most part, we've been successful this last month and a half which has been great. We're not really stressing too much about our sex life - the porn thing came up when we were having our talk. We are more concerned with other aspects, I think, but it certainly doesn't help.

Hi aj2234,

It sounds like a next step may be to look for other areas and ways to boost your feelings about yourself. Beyond the class you mentioned, are there things that you know from current or past experience tend to make you feel good about yourself?

When you mention you two are trying to work on things, what does that look like? In other words, what steps have you taken or boundaries have you two set in the relationship to try and change things?

Hi Sam,

I used to really enjoy the feeling of studying or learning. I'm trying to read academic papers in my work, but beyond that I've sort of lost the feeling of learning. Because I'm more stretched for free time than I ever have been before, I've sort of lost a few of the things that make me feel good about myself. Masturbating (alone) does make me feel good and I still continue to do it regularly in spite of everything.

We've very clearly said what we want out of the relationship and what hasn't worked for us before in a cards on the table kind of way. I think having a big talk and clearing the air was really helpful for us moving forward. I think now it's a bit more about supporting each other and recognising the small things we do for each other (e.g. we both have trouble with our respective families, so we notice the positive things we do when we're with them) and it's been good in that regard. I think after our talk we've realised that calming down is better for the health of ourselves as well as our relationship.

What about the possibility of scheduling small chunks of your day to be "make myself feel good" time? For example, if learning new things makes you feel good, you could set aside some time to read sites like Atlas Obscura or Mental Floss. Or you could schedule a weekly or semi-weekly trip to the library. Even if it's just little pieces here and there, setting aside that time can help in a big way.

Thank for the suggestions, Sam, I hadn't heard of those sites before.

I've almost got my driver's license, so hopefully that'll help me in getting around and scheduling a bit more 'me' time.