Scarleteen

Hello,

I am nearly 20 years old and have been in this relationship since this October. It may also be important that this is the second time me and my Boyfriend are attempting to make it work; due to my personal problems (been having a hard period), I had decided to literally chase him away from me as I hadn't wanted to make him worried or dump me because of the turmoil I have been experiencing. This happened about four years ago, after nearly a year and a half of being together. In that time, I was stressed because of school, worried about my productivity and physical appearance, i.e. staying slim (this worry is still here) and very insecure. I had lost my menstrual cycle due to losing a lot of weight, which was simply because I had nicer things to worry about than eating, I suppose.
The point is, my Boyfriend is very, very patient. The first time we were together, he never pushed me - had it been his way, he told me recently, we would have had sex then. But he knew it wasn't time and didn't push it. After we (I) broke up, he was devastated, and I haven't completely forgiven myself for hurting him even until now, although he has long ago. He lost his virginity with another girl, but found out that it wouldn't work. Then, he decided to risk another broken heart and ask me to give the two of us another chance. He really loves me. He is a great person and I would love to make him happy.
And it is here that things get complicated. He wants me, he wants to have sex with me, he wants to be with me always. I, on the other hand, have become ... in a way ... disinterested since having lost my period (I still don't have a regular cycle - actually no apparent cycle at all ). While he is a normal Guy with fantasies and a healthy amount of lust for me, I am struggling to find any genuine interest in sex. After breaking up, I haven't been in love. I'm not sure I know what it means, how it feels, because I have only known this Guy. I don't know whether it is due to hormones or due to the fact that He is not the right person for me that I don't feel the passion otherwise associated with young couples.
Of course, when we make out I like it, I like the fact that I can make him enjoy. On good days, I manage to get sort of aroused by petting, but I thought it would feel more ... well, more WOW. I hate it when I manage to make him come by petting and blowjobs, but he cannot do the same for me and feels sorry. It is not his fault, though. I know that. It's me. Am I frigid or am I lying to myself about my feelings - this question really haunts me.
I am becoming desperate and scared. Will I ever be able to have a normal sex life? Will all of my love life feel ... MEH whatever... ?
Because this is what it felt like losing my virginity. The first time, I was too nervous to even let Him in, by the time I got the condome in place I was dry. The second time, penetration happened and as expected, it hurt and it wasn't pleasent, but - unexpectedly - after the first moments, I failed to feel ANYTHING. Okay, I felt He was in, but I felt none of the shreaking pleasure that usually comes with sex (OK, I only know about how sex supposedly looks like from a few books and random movie scenes, should I consider watching ... porn? I hate the idea, but I am desperate). In the end, I cried because of my disappointment and the void that the discovery of not having enjoyed having coitus one bit had left. Had it hurt, had it been grose, had it been the best thing ever, anything would have been better than that 'meh' response my body gave. I am so embarassed. And worried. Will I ever become interested in sex? Could it be the hormones? What is the worst case scenario actually, and what are the most probable ones?
I appreciate you taking time to listen and am looking forward to your answers. I know it is not an easy one and I hope I have not bored you to death with my story. But it feels good to have even told it.
What can I do to begin solving this issue? Please, do help me if you can.

Yours faithfully,
Celeste

Hi Celeste,

It sounds like there are a few different things going on here. For starters, have you spoken with a healthcare provider at all about your cycle? Some people will simply have cycles that are a little irregular from time to time, but if yours is causing you distress, it might be good to get a check-up.

Setting your boyfriend aside for a moment, do you experience arousal or pleasure in a general sense? For example, do you read or watch certain things and find yourself aroused? And with pleasure, are there things in your life that do cause that sensation (common examples of this are taking a bath, masturbating, eating a favorite food, but every body and brain is different)?

In terms of your boyfriend, can I ask if you actively want to be with him? Or did you agree to dating him again out of a feeling of obligation to give the relationship another chance, or guilt, or another reason? Because emotional and mental attraction are just as important to sex as a physical attraction is for many people.

Hello,

Firstly, I would like to thank you for your lightning-fast response. I haven't even expected an answer to be written before, say, Friday, so I am pleasantly surprised
Yes, I am indeed in a queue for a medical checkup, and my hormones have been monitored until a year ago. I hope they find a way to fix things!
As far as arousal is concerned, I have very little experience in the field, although I believe I have been aroused a couple of times. But, this has only happened very occasionally. And I do find pleasure in sports, in making and eating food, reading, etc., even though I hardly ever just enjoy myself wihout having other, less pleasant things on my mind even during the best moments. I am often tense, and a bit of a worrier, I guess ... Also, I frequently feel guilty or as if I am not being fully productive while I am having a good time ... I nag myself more than anyone else does, heh ...
Now, this last part will be tricky; when we met for the first time after a while I expected nothing, and nor did he, but when we were to say goodbye, he gadhered his pluck and kissed me ever so lightly, and I was so surprised and it felt so nice that I thought I'd blast off! And I know how much courage that must have taken as he is more shy than he lets himself appear.
For the next couple of days, we behaved as though nothing had happened, but when we talked about it, we found that we both still have feelings for eachother, so we decided to give it a go. I never believed we would get so far, and I am glad we have. I really like being around him, he always listens and we can be ourselves when we are together. I really appreciate not having to wear a mask, like I do in public.
The only problem is, no matter how often he tells me it's allright, I can't but feel self-conscious and insecure. Self-conscious because I feel like I should be experiencing our together-time more intensively, be more passionate and more responsive to his cuddles. I do try to give back as much as I can, but am constantly afraid I will never be capable of behaving like a normal woman ... And I am insecure and afraid of what the future holds because while for now I can blame it all on the hormones and stress due to being a first-year at the university etc., I keep wondering if, perhaps, when things get better, I still won't feel more strongly, still be in a bubble of uncertainty, numbed. I ... I don't know how real love is supposed to feel like. I tend to believe that Hollywood's portrayal of it is a bit far fetched, but how much so? Every time I find myself not feeling overjoyed when he is to come over (either because I am tired or have home- or housework to do), I feel somewhat like a fraud. Like I keep saying to love him but then don't skip with happiness and overflow with optimism when I am about to meet him.
I also don't feel, like some books and songs depict it, that I cannot exist without him, or that I'd do literally anything for him. I perceive him as a person that enriches my life and makes me feel that I can make a difference to someone.
What I most dread is, although I'd rather not even word this,is that eventually I will find out that I cannot be completely happy in this relationship. That while his love and passion continue to grow, mine would only deplete. That I will end up hurting him again. That, after being by myself for so long, I am not capable to adapt to a life with a partner - or that I am so afraid to lose the guaranteed closeness that our relationship offers in order to find (or not) the best match for me that I will lie to myself about being fine and happy.
I don't know whether or not I have managed to explain it well enough, I just had to tell someone, someone who has perhaps seen some similar situations and may help me reason.
I hope you will be able to offer some advice. Even though I know you cannot solve my problems for me, I am looking forward to your answer, and I wish to thank you for your help. What you do here on Scarleteen is amazing, keep at it!
Yours faithfully,
Celeste

Hi Celeste,

First, I want to emphasize to you that there really is no "normal." There is no normal way to have sex, no normal way to be in love, no normal way to be in a relationship, and let alone no normal way to be a woman, or just a person! But gosh it is hard to fully accept this when movies,TV, magazines, books, etc. are constantly driving ideas of what normalcy means into our heads. It is by no means easy, but I urge you to fight your ideas about what normal means - and to remind yourself that you do not have to fit them! How does that idea feel? And would you be interested in brainstorming ways to increase your self care to fight the insecurities that come from ideas of normalcy?

What I most dread is, although I'd rather not even word this,is that eventually I will find out that I cannot be completely happy in this relationship. That while his love and passion continue to grow, mine would only deplete. That I will end up hurting him again. That, after being by myself for so long, I am not capable to adapt to a life with a partner - or that I am so afraid to lose the guaranteed closeness that our relationship offers in order to find (or not) the best match for me that I will lie to myself about being fine and happy.

Where do you think these fears stem from? Or do you think they are rooted in some form of how you are truly feeling?

I also want to ask, in you ideal word, right now, what kind of interaction with your partner would be most pleasurable for you (whether that be physical, sexual or just an activity you might share or do together)?

Hello Carmen,
Thank you very much for your answer. I agree with your opinion about normality, but I also struggle to resist the mould set by media - simply because our society is over-fed with suggestions and rules how everithing must be in order to be 'right', but also due to my lack of first-hand experience and in part the urge to be accepted. Although being accepted does become less relevant when people around you tell you that what they will NOT accept is you trying to be something else than yourself
Well, those fears I mentioned are probably due to a mix of factors: firstly, there are my personal traits. I'd almost always rather see that I'm the one who is in loss rather than appear selfish, mean or simply cause negative feelings to others as a side effect of achieving my goals. I seem to be more at peace with myself when I end up dissatisfied in order to make another person happy rather than satisfying my own wishes and having a feeling of having exploited someone (even though I know this sort of thinking is not healthy, and that I should change it, it is my current reality).
And secondly, I may be questioning myself and my feelings because I have little or no references. If I had had, say, three other boyfriends during the four years I spent on my own, I reckon it would have been easier to make sense of the situation.
I am planning to let things be for now; I am taking progesteron pills to try to jump start my cycle, and maybe things will work out just fine. If not, well ... I'l deal with this when and if the issue arises. Although I don't believe I will be able to set any worries aside, considering I am an expert what-iffer
For the time being, I equally enjoy talks and walks and watching movies while cuddled together, I sometimes find petting exciting (when in the right mood; well, he seems to always be in the mood to get sexual (no judge, he is coping with unsatisfied desire of having vaginal intercourse but refuses to force it), while I only occasionaly do and even then I cannot let myself go completely). I like it when we laugh and when he teases me and I pretend I am angry because of it and then he tickles me to tears. I like our debates about everything and nothing, I enjoy just lying beside or on top of him, hugged, listening to his voice otr his breathing.
I just hope he enjoys it, too, and I wouldn't want to stand in the way of him fulfilling his expectations.
Celeste

It's difficult for sure to shake off the idea of 'normal' set by the media and pop culture - it's everywhere and something we tend to be exposed to from a very young age, so you're certainly not alone in feeling it's pervasiveness and impact on your own expectations. It's great that you have people around you who encourage you to be yourself, though; that can be a really good antidote to some of those skewed ideas of what 'normal' is!

As for your lack of first-hand experience, there's no substitute for that, but we have a couple of articles that might be useful for you on that front:
How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

In terms of navigating this particular relationship, and communicating with your boyfriend to make sure that you're both getting your wants and needs met, there are another couple of articles that may help:
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner