Anxiety about female ejaculation and spontaneity

[illusorypants]

Hi! I just made an account so I apologize if this has been asked before, but I did search the old and new forums and didn't find anything.

Basically, my issue is that there is a fair chance that I am a "squirter." I've been masturbating since before I even knew what I was doing, and even though nothing has ever happened that I recognized as orgasm, I have often felt the need to pee. Even when I had already urinated before starting the masturbation, I found that I still did "pee" after experiencing this sensation, sometimes in copious quantities. So I have a feeling that at least in those situations, I was holding back my orgasm by not allowing that fluid out of my urethra during the masturbation itself.

The problem is that from everything I've read, there is no way to control this reflex, and that gives me incredible anxiety. What's even more frustrating is that on forums, when someone does ask how to control it, the only responses are a string of men saying "once you start you can't stop, but whyyy would you want to control it?? it's so hot!!!" My issue isn't that it isn't "hot," and I frankly couldn't care less how "hot" men find it. My issue is that I don't want the settings where I can have sex to be limited. I don't have a partner at the moment, but when I do, I like to have spontaneous, in-the-moment sex, in locations that are not particularly conducive to stopping to lay down towels or plastic. It's kind of a kink of mine, and I don't want to have to keep it to my internal fantasies! I also obviously don't want to hold myself back during this kind of sex, because it's my favorite kind!! It just sucks to think that the only times I can feel safe and guilt-free having an orgasm are when I'm in familiar settings I completely control (like my bedroom) or after stopping to say "hold up - let's grab a tarp/towel/umbrella." It just spoils the mood for me. So, I guess what I really want to ask is 1) IS there any way of training oneself to orgasm without squirting, and 2) why do we so rarely, if ever talk about this side of female ejaculation? Am I being selfish and ridiculous in wanting to have spontaneous sex in "risky" locations AND possibly have orgasms while doing it?

[Heather]

Wanting what we want for our own sexual satisfaction is selfish...but not in a bad way. That's something that's about ourselves, and we get to want what we want. I don't see any reason to pile on any shame around any of this, or to discount what you want. It's okay to want things, and it's certainly okay to want the things we find we most enjoy in our sexual lives.

Of course, the issue is figuring out how what you want squares with reality.

It seems to me that the best place to start would be to talk about if you are someone who thinks they can learn to control this, given you seem pretty clear that's something you want to do that you think would make you feel less restricted, rather than more.

If that sounds good to you, then the first place to go there would be to assess if this is something you find only happens with certain kinds of stimulus, or if it's a lot more random. Additionally, there's the matter of how you might feel if controlling ejaculation would mean stopping certain activities -- and switching to something else where ejaculation isn't likely, or you just know doesn't happen for you -- when you feel like that is something that's likely to happen at a given time. That doesn't have to mean going without orgasm, unless you find that when you do go without ejaculating at times that's happening, that does mean, for you, that that means no orgasm.

But if THAT is the case, then maybe there's an extra thing to consider, which is weighing how much orgasm is important to you versus sex in locations or spontaneous circumstances where you feel like ejaculating is a no-go or makes what was fun for you not-fun anymore. Know what I mean?

(We can talk about the broader issues you asked about if you want, too, I just figured you might want to start with the more practical problem-solving!)