Stereotype is affecting personal reality

[capablehippie]

The stereotype is that all teenage boys have ridiculously high sex drives. The personal reality is that I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't want to have intercourse with me, and he isn't bothered one way or another if we ever do. This is very much a non problem, because having a respectful partner who doesn't put a lot of emphasis on intercourse is a good thing when we aren't ready for it. I just feel like, because of that stereotype, I think, he should want to have intercourse with me. I know there are no "shoulds." I even know that he finds me very attractive and sexually exciting, and I still think about how he "should" want to do that (and I guess a little bit I wonder if it is because of something to do with me that he doesn't want to?), for some reason. So I'm just looking for a little reassurance, I guess. That he can want me without wanting to have intercourse. And that every other teenage boy isn't having raging hormones or whatever. I don't tell him I feel this way because I don't want him to feel any pressure from me about it or like there's something wrong with him, I know there's not.

[Sam W]

Hi Capablehippie,

You've got it 100% right. Desire for sex varies from person to person (and even within a particular person from day to day), and gender isn't a great predictor of how much someone will be interested in sex. And someone can be attracted to their partner but not want to be sexual with them all the time.

Something that might help is to think about other things that make you feel desired (like being complimented), and see if those are actions you feel comfortable talking about with your boyfriend.

[capablehippie]

I wonder what other stereotypes could be affecting our relationship... that's something kind of interesting to think about. I'm usually the one who directs things when we're sexual, which took us a while to figure out and realize it was okay. I thought I was supposed to let him be in charge, and he was like, "Ah! What do I do?" His mom is really old fashioned about gender roles, but he does a good job of disregarding them which is pretty cool.

I'll keep that in mind for the future if it's bugging me. I could compliment him more. Thanks Sam!

[KittyPink]

Hi Capablehippie,

You've got it 100% right. Desire for sex varies from person to person (and even within a particular person from day to day), and gender isn't a great predictor of how much someone will be interested in sex. And someone can be attracted to their partner but not want to be sexual with them all the time.

Something that might help is to think about other things that make you feel desired (like being complimented), and see if those are actions you feel comfortable talking about with your boyfriend.

The stereotype is that all teenage boys have ridiculously high sex drives. The personal reality is that I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't want to have intercourse with me, and he isn't bothered one way or another if we ever do. This is very much a non problem, because having a respectful partner who doesn't put a lot of emphasis on intercourse is a good thing when we aren't ready for it. I just feel like, because of that stereotype, I think, he should want to have intercourse with me. I know there are no "shoulds." I even know that he finds me very attractive and sexually exciting, and I still think about how he "should" want to do that (and I guess a little bit I wonder if it is because of something to do with me that he doesn't want to?), for some reason. So I'm just looking for a little reassurance, I guess. That he can want me without wanting to have intercourse. And that every other teenage boy isn't having raging hormones or whatever. I don't tell him I feel this way because I don't want him to feel any pressure from me about it or like there's something wrong with him, I know there's not.

If it helps, I've been with a really horny gal before (though, at the time, my sex drive was in a state of heavy flux) and we would end up usually getting a little frisky every time I came over, sometimes she'd tie me up, or we would play wrestle and sometimes I'd pin her down or she would pin me down and we would make-out like that. Though, this ex later claimed I "used" her and that I left her when she was suicidal. (Despite the relationship not being healthy for either of us.) We never had intercourse (not like I would of anyway), though I did give her manual, it didn't go very well. (She didn't get pleasure from it, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Also, I had to stop because my hand ended up cramping.) Most of the time, we'd end up grinding and groping each other. We also cuddled almost completely naked once, though I refused to take my underwear off on the bottom and to alleviate the chest dysphoria I was having she let me wear one of her bras. She eventually ended up getting comfortable enough to strip down to just nothing except her panties. (Actually, it may of been a thong that day, and it was some really fucking cute undies too.) We'd usually end up biting each other, mainly around the neck, chest, lips and sometimes ears. We like nibbled each other, though, I guess one time she left a hickey and my mother flipped. The reason why I'm mentioning it is because it's the opposite of the stereotype.

[capablehippie]

Can I ask... What does "rope addict" mean? Does it mean that you like being tied up? I've wondered about that and I couldn't come up with anything that made sense before. I'm sorry she put the blame on you like that when your relationship wasn't working anymore. That cuddling sounds amazing. Cuddle time is so valuable (in my opinion at least). Thanks for sharing your opposite of the stereotype story, I appreciate it KittyPink.

[KittyPink]

Can I ask... What does "rope addict" mean? Does it mean that you like being tied up? I've wondered about that and I couldn't come up with anything that made sense before. I'm sorry she put the blame on you like that when your relationship wasn't working anymore. That cuddling sounds amazing. Cuddle time is so valuable (in my opinion at least). Thanks for sharing your opposite of the stereotype story, I appreciate it KittyPink.

You're welcome, thought my experience might help. And yes, rope addict does make a nod towards my liking of bondage. (Ropes are nice, not the only thing I prefer for bondage.) And cuddle time is a valuable thing in this crazy world!