Scarleteen

I need an advice...

Before I ask, my situation is this: I discovered I'm asexual two years ago. I have a boyfriend. He knows I don't feel sexual attraction toward anyone and never did, but he (and I) thought it was a just a stage “until find someone especial” (which would be him, of course). But it never ended. So, he doesn't know I'm ace yet. And I wanna be 100% sure about that before tell him.
I could say he is demisexual. We never talked about being ace, to be honest. He knows I have no interest in sex, but I don't know if he includes himself in that concept.

The thing that bothers me is that I started to feel raped after we have sex or any sexual interaction. And it sticks in my head and repeats over and over during several days, like a nightmare. It even happened while having sex some times.

He never pushed me to have sex when we were teens. As teens, I was the one who was more comgfortable with all the interactions (except having sex), since I love him and he was shy and afraid to hurt me in any way... But, with the years he got more comfortable and I the opposite. We started having sex when we were adults, and that switched something in me. I started to feel less comfortable each time, and with it he turned rough, though I know he didn't mean to hurt me and didn't noticed it... But, even when he is soft, when I'm okay with everything, it gets stuck in my mind like he raped me.

What can I do?

Hi Laujo,

It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation. The first thing I recommend is that you and your boyfriend stop doing anything sexual that makes you feel uncomfortable. Is that a boundary you feel like you know how to set and enforce? I also wonder, when you two have sex, is there a discussion of consent ahead of time? In other words, does he ask if you want to, and are you respected if you say no (and do you feel like you can even say no)?

The next step is that you and your boyfriend need to have a direct talk about where you are in terms of your sexuality right now. If you're ace and do not want to have sex, that's 100% okay, but if you haven't addressed that explicitly with him, now is the time to do it.

Hi, and thanks so much for answer.

I can tell him I don't want to have sex and he would respect it. He always do. But with the days, weeks, months he just forget it. Or he thinks it's momentary. And some times it is, I'm not sex repulsed every time.
Although, if I don't stop rejecting him he starts to think I don't love him anymore or turns super cold or starts fighting about silly things (not in a violent way, he wouldn't.) Sex became important to him with the years. To me it's what distances us. I always can say no and he may be insistent but will respect me. But, it's hard to make him understand I will not want to do it later or the nex day, since at the begining I was not the shy one of the couple... I am attracted to him (in a nonsexual way, actually) and I even have fantasies, we make jokes and laugh about them. I could say I'm more aegosexual? So, it's my fault I confuse him...

We never agree by words to have sex. It just happens when he wants, except if I say no. I'm sometimes afraid to hold his hand because he can take that as an invitation. So, I became a cold person. I've always been one, but not with him.

I'm afraid to talk about me being ace. And even more about what I feel about sex. He take issues so bad. I don't even know where to start...

Hi Laujo,

I want to start by saying his actions are not your fault. In no way is telling someone "no" confusing and you haven't done anything misleading or wrong. Even if you have had sex before does not mean a person has a right to have sex with you anytime they want.

I'm truly sorry to hear that your partner has been treating you this way. As Sam said it is okay not to want to have sex. Sex is not a requirement for any relationship, but if it is something people do together, everyone needs to be on the same page. No person is entitled to sex in anyway.

I have to be completely honest with you and say that this does not sound like a safe person to have a sexual or even a romantic relationship with. Not only is he disrespecting the boundaries you have set around sex he is trying to make you feel bad for your decision. At best, that is inconsiderate, but it sounds like he is being intentionally manipulative.

You deserve a relationship that does not make you feel the way you are describing. You should be able to say no and not be pressured or made to feel guilty. Your words and limits should be respected. You should be able to speak openly with your partner without fear of their reaction, especially about something as important as your sexuality. And you should be able to show affection without fear of it leading to something you don't want to happen.

What I said might be difficult to hear, so i want to check in before taking the discussion further. How are you feeling about this?

Hi, ashleah.
Well... Being honest? I want to cry...

I see what you say, but I keep seeing it's my fault... I never get mad when he wants sex while I don't so he knows I mean it and don't try again later. I never told him I was doubting my sexual orientation to be ace intead of het. I know “no” should be enough. I know. But how can I blame him when I confused him with my own actions? I used to be the one that was super comfortable with sex when he was afraid and shy. I liked to turn him on, I liked to make him wait, I liked to tease him, I liked him to be sweet and rough and sweet again. I was the one who changed the terms without saying. I made him get used to chase me to have sex. I know, “no” is enough. But how can he understand after how I was?
At the beginning I was also shy, but I maybe had interest in sex, call it hormones, adolescence. I did not let it happen until we were adults and he always acted according to my will, not his; e.g. he used to tease me in public places when no one watched (I did him that too), I liked that until some point, then I said him it was getting uncomfortable for me and he never did it again. Though, he whined some times about having to watch his own actions before acting more than ever.
But... I never told him all sex related things were getting uncomfortable for me. So, he created the picture that I want sex if he chase me enough...

He is manipulative some times. Also I am. But neither me nor him have the intention to be like that. And especially related with sex... I know that doesn't justify any of it at all...
And neither of us is free to speak without fear the reaction of the other, really... We have lot of fightings in the past after speak about issues, so we kinda avoid doing it... Especially me. It's the worse we can do, and that bring me to this moment, yeah.

I just... want to go back... when I didn't feel/know I was ace, when I didn't know what it was, when I was a teen and all about sex was funny, when he was shy and I wasn't and he was sweet... But I can't... I just want to cry, really, that's the only feeling I have right now...

The thing is, consent is something that needs to be negotiated every single time we engage in sex, and past behaviour and level of interest isn't actually relevant. Just because you may have been interested in sex in the past doesn't mean that anyone can assume that you are now, and carrying on unless you say no is not getting consent. Again, this is not your fault.

I have to agree with ashleah here; this relationship doesn't sound like it's a healthy one or a safe one for you to be in. I can understand how that's a difficult thing to hear, so if you want to take a bit of time to think about all of this that's totally understandable.

Where do you think you would like to take this conversation from here?

Hi, Karyn

Then, I want an advice on how can I tell him all this. At least a part... I don't even know where to start. It's like too much. I want him to understand what it's happening and not just break up “for my own good”.

This situation happens since years ago... But it's the first time I talk about this with someone.

Does my relationship really sounds that bad?

Hi Laujo,

There are a few ways you could approach this with him. You could start with talking about your identity and how that plays into your feelings about sex, and what that means in terms of your expectations for the relationship. Or, you could start by focusing more on how form here on out there needs to be explicit communication around sex, including him asking before doing things and respecting your no. Some people find that writing out what they want to say in these conversations ahead of time can make having them easier.

I will say that there is no way to guarantee that when you have this talk with him and set new boundaries he won't decide to break-up with you. That could feel really terrible, but ultimately that's better than having a partner who does not respect your boundaries. And, from what your describing, it sounds like there may be a lot of issues within this relationship, and those kinds of issues are generally resolved either by major shifts in how partners communicate and interact with each other or by breaking-up. Does that make sense?

Hi, Sam

Thanks, really. I'll think what to do... Thanks for those suggestions.

Yeah, that makes sense. He's not the kind of guy that wants a relationship to have sex whenever he wishes, I don't think he would break-up with me for having less chances to have sex. But the rest... that's different. I'm more worried about how he would take all this than specifically breaking up.

Hi Laujo,

If you feel like you need any help with the conversation once you have written your letter, we are here

Can I ask what your concern is when you are say you are worried how he will take this?

Hi, ashleah

Really? Thank you, you're so kind.

Oh, it's just... he doesn't take big issues so well. He get depressed and frustrated so fast. And currently he's having some problems. I don't think he would take this the best he can... I don't want to add mine to his own, that's also why I don't try to talk about this with him.

I totally understand wanting to protect the feelings of someone you care about, especially if they're having a rough time. At the same time though his feelings are not your responsibility, and your wellbeing is important too: this is clearly a big source of stress and upset for you, and that isn't something to take lightly or not deal with just because you're concerned that he'll be upset. (Unless, of course, you think he would react by doing something that would put your safety at risk, in which case how you approach this will need to be different.)

I tryed to write, but I couldn't. Remembering each time I felt bad was so uncomfortable... and my head kept doing that involuntary movement like shaking saying “no”. I leave all there and went to do something else.
Hours later I was talking with my boyfriend about whatever we usually talk and he was laughing. He doesn't laugh very often, especially these times he have his problems. He looked so beautiful...
I can't talk about my issues like this.

Can I ask what the discomfort you felt was? In other words, was it tied to being triggered by remembering certain incidents, or was it more tied to what you were telling us about not wanting to hurt his feelings?

A way to think about this that might help you is: there are clearly some parts of this relationship that make you both happy. And by talking about your needs around sex with him, you're opening up the potential for the relationship to become even more positive because you two have a better understanding of where the boundaries of sex are for you.

No, that wasn't about him, I was being triggered.

That really sounds like how I think! But, for some reason when I talk about any uncomfortable feeling I'm having he takes it personally and becomes cold or afraid to touch me a hair or so ashamed that he can't even look at me. Maybe I don't express what I feel so well...?

From what you're describing, it's possible that he tends to over correct his behavior in an attempt not to make you uncomfortable. Or, there's also the possibility that he is trying to get you to act a certain way by becoming cold when you tell him things he doesn't like.

When you've had these conversations in the past, have they been right before or after you've been sexual together? Or do they happen when sex is not even on the table?

Yeah, he tends to over correct himself. He tends to whine after sometimes when I hug him too much or anything like that saying “hn, don't hug me like that, then you'll say I'm sticky and annoying”. I don't think he acts cold to get something from me... he's just like that... tends to act like a child when I say things he doesn't like.

We usually had those conversations in random moments, when we go out and no one is around most of the times. I don't remember talking about sex before having it. There were some times we talked about uncomfortable feelings (mine and his) after having sex, but he's always like “oh, it's okay, don't worry” with his.

How do those conversations tend to get started? Does one of you mention something and it just goes from there, or does someone mention ahead of time (something like "I'd like to talk about X topic with you")?

Uh, with “I'd like to talk about X” he gets cold instantly just in case. That doesn't work. We usually talk about A, that goes to B, and then to C... I always need to chose the words I use carefully.

Do you have a sense of how you want to phrase this topic when you talk with him?

Also, you mention that if you're direct he gets cold. Is that only if the topic you want to discuss has to do with sex, or does it happen regardless of the subject?

I'd want to just start a conversation while we're sitting somewhere, like any talk we had before, but it's hard to find the right moment when he's in good mood to hear something like this. It's not him though, we go out less currently because I have some personal problems too, so we have more chances to end having sex than just talking.

He gets cold with anything he doesn't like, words or acts. Sometimes he even gets cold because I look at him different, and start saying “what is it?”.

What do you think would happen if you were to say something like, "I'd like to talk to you about something, and I would really appreciate it if you would hear me out. This relationship is important to me and I want to make sure it's working as well as it can for both of us, so I want to talk about how we can make that happen." Do you think that would change how he reacts?

Uhm..no. That kind of sentence makes all worse. With “I'd like to talk...” he'll think I wanna leave him or something like that, and even more if I mention “our relationship” in that sentence. Even if it's for a good reason, he will listen to that in a bad mood...

I'm sorry for being such a bother...

Okay. I have to be honest then: it could be that communication is something that you both struggle with, but I find his pattern of responses concerning. The fact that you are hesitant about bringing up something that's important to you is not a good sign; in a healthy, positive relationship everyone should feel able to voice their feelings and concerns without any fear of their partner's reaction.

I know you've mentioned that there are aspects of this relationship that you really enjoy, but do you feel that those good things outweigh the difficult parts?

Yeah, I know. And I was able... But with the years, every time we talk seriously about whatever that makes me uncomfortable it makes him colder. Since his problems he got colder and depressed. He's just there waiting all goes bad. That's why it's hard to have a conversation with him, or to make him laugh, to make him smile. That's why I care so much about how he'd take what I need to say. And sex turned important for him, like he forgets everything those moments... There are also other things that became important to him, but those ones don't make me uncomfortable.

The good part is always bigger than the bad part...