Sexual Anxieties

[ac]

So, my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two months, and I just left a two and a half year relationship about 6 or 7 months ago. My previous relationship was very serious, and we both lost our virginity to each other (she told me she was a virgin, but she was known to lie, so I'm not entirely sure what to believe). The relationship ended up being emotionally and mentally abusive, and just generally toxic for both of us. My current girlfriend is 3 years younger than me. It is, what I would consider, a long distance relationship, because I am in college two hours away and I only come home to see her every two weeks. She is a virgin, but has been sexually active with guys before me, and we are sexually active with each other. We've both felt each other, and have gone down on each other. I have a couple of things that I've been worrying about as far as sex. She is able to bring me to climax, no problem, but she says I'm the first guy that she's let feel her down there. I haven't been able to make her orgasm yet, but she says she's been close. This is pretty much only attainable for her via clitoral stimulation. I've tried to finger her but she says it feels weird and kinda hurts, and I'm not sure, but I think her hymen is still intact. She's very recently begun to explore her own body and sexuality, and masturbated and had an orgasm for the first time, after I suggested she find what she really likes on her own since I can't be with her very often. She said that rubbing her clit does the trick, but can I make her feel better by fingering her? I know I need to get her very aroused and warmed up before I try to finger her, but it shouldn't feel "weird" or hurt for her, right?

Another concern I have is on the issue of when to have sex. I had sex with my last girlfriend around 6 months into the relationship, and I feel like after that, everything started going downhill. I do not want to go through that again. My girlfriend and I have discussed it, and it's something we definitely want with each other, but at the right time. My question is, how do I know when the right time is? How will I know when we're ready? I am very, very attached to her and I really do care about her. Since this is her first time I want it to be special for her.

Another anxiety I have is my sex drive. I have a very strong libido, and whenever her and I alone with each other, I almost constantly have an erection. I'm not necessarily aroused, or want "it" or anything like that, I just cannot control my penis! I've told her this, and I've told her just because I have an erection doesn't mean I want anything. I don't want her to ever feel like she's obligated to put out. I masturbate quite a bit, but for some reason when I'm with her, I just cannot control my guy down there. Is it wrong or abnormal that I'm so easily stimulated? Is there a way for me to control or stop it?

[Sam W]

Hi ac,

You're right that if fingering is uncomfortable or painful, it's best to avoid it and focus on things she does find enjoyable. It's fairly common for people to find that clitoral stimulation is what makes them most likely to orgasm (and you can learn more about the corona, aka the hymen, here: My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It )

As far as being ready for penetrative sex, my suggestion is for both of you to go through this article separately then talk about it together to see where you're both at: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist . It can also help to remember that there is no set, correct time for people to engage in a certain sexual activity. It all depends on the specific relationship and the people involved. Does that make sense?

What you're describing with your erection is fairly common, especially with younger people. There's not really a way to stop it (although some people develop ways of hiding that it's happening), but it's clear that you're being very open and communicative with her about how it neither means you want sex right then nor should she feel obligated to have sex. That's really awesome, and a great way of handling that situation.

[ac]

Sam,

Thank you so much for this! And yes, it does make sense. We've both discussed all of this before, and we're deciding to wait about a 8 months to a year, or as long as we can, before having sex. I just want to make sure it's the right time for us both.

Anyway, thank you again!