Is 13 the "Right" Age for Sex or Romance?

[Redskies]

New advice column from Heather:

Gabbii777 asks:

I'm wondering what a good age to have a 'relationship' is? I'm 13 and I've sort of began to have stronger attractions both emotionally and physically to boys. I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship and I'm scared that if it doesn't work (for example, if I'm frigid or something) it will ruin our friendship. I know it's not much of a big deal but I just want some help and reassurance.

Heather Corinna replies:

Hooray for thinking about what you might want or feel ready for in intimate or dating relationships before you pursue them! So often people just kind of passively fall into relationships and only then try and figure what they want and need. It's not impossible to do it that way, and there are some things we can't sort out until we're actually in something. But taking the time to first get a general sense of what you want, need and feel okay about before getting into relationships is a much better foundation for good relationships you feel good about.

Getting into intimate relationships is a big deal. Same goes with choosing to start a brand new and complex area of your life. You don't need to say it isn't a big deal. You know it is -- and I agree! -- which is why you are asking what you are and have the concerns you do.

There really isn't any good age (or bad age) for any given kind of relationship in a general way, because age is only one part of that and because people of even just one age -- like 13 -- are still so different.

A certain kind of relationship might feel just right for one person who's 13, and so wrong for another person who is 13. You might find that dating one person feels like it's not right for you at all, but dating someone else feels like the most perfect thing of ever, because who we're in a relationship with, how we feel about them and ourselves within that relationship and the whole context of our lives, and what that particular relationship is like is most of what determines, at any age, if a romantic or sexual (or any!) relationship feels right. When I say feels right, I mean that emotionally, we feel good about our relationships, our choices and actions in them; good about ourselves within the relationship, and what goes on in that relationship is what we truly want and also know we're capable of dealing with and managing.

In terms of figuring out if you feel ready for -- and want -- a certain kind of relationship, know that this isn't about you deciding if you are or are not willing to agree to an already-written set of rules or expectations where there's no room for negotiation. You shouldn't ever have to do that, and you sure don't have to now. You, and whoever you're in a relationship with, always get to write your own rules.

Relationships -- whether we're talking about friends, family, romance, sexual relationships or even the relationship we have with the person who waits for the bus at the same time we do -- aren't like buying jeans, where we have to try and fit into what's already been made for just anyone, rather than with us uniquely in mind.

Instead, relationships are something we get to make from scratch with other people, and that we ideally make together as a custom-fit, not as a one-size-fits-all. When we're an active part of any kind of healthy relationship, we're crafting something together; something made for and by us, based on who we each are uniquely, including what our wants, needs, abilities and limitations are.

The relationship or relationships that'll be a good fit for the person you are when you're 40 will most likely be pretty different from the ones you make and experience over the next few years. But you get to only make and participate in the relationships at 13 that feel right for you, Gabbii-at-13, just like you'll get to do for Gabbii-at-40, Gabbii-at-42 and Gabbii-at-46. All of that will be based more on just who you are as a person and what your life circumstances are as a whole than on your age-in-years. The way age plays a part is mostly about how you find your age and your life experience so far figures into or informs the bigger picture of what feels wanted, right, doable and manageable for you.

If and when you choose to pursue romantic relationships, they don't have to have anything in them you don't want or feel ready to handle. You get to create and be part of relationships only at a pace that feels right for you. You always get to opt out of things, walk away from a relationship entirely, or ask for and make changes if and when things don't feel okay for you. That kind of flexibility is needed in healthy relationships.

Know that all kinds of relationships are ultimately experiments and works-in-progress, not done-deals from the start. We interact together, and we see how things go. We learn together how to relate and connect in ways that feel best for everyone, and we grow and make adjustments as we go. We figure out and negotiate together what we do or do not want in our relationships, and what pacing for anythings feels right for both of us, based on everyone involved, rather than one person leading and the other person following or not following.

We also figure out as we go what kind of relationship feels best: like, if we try dating someone who was a friend and it turns out that's not a good fit, we often can go back to being friends who are not dating or sexual without it being that big of a deal so long as we don't make it into one. Not every kind of relationship is going to fit between us and someone else: it's okay to try something and have one or both of us discover it's not right. Really, unless we have a strong feeling right from the start that certain kinds of relationships are just not at all what we want or right for us with someone else, there's just a lot no one can predict.

But what you can get to know right now are things that are just really about you. And that can tell you an awful lot.

How about taking some real time to just think and journal about what you feel interested in and might be ready for with the folks you are feeling interest in pursuing now or only in the very near future -- let's say the next six months or so? You might think and write about things like:

• Which ways of expressing or exploring these feelings with someone you have them for -- whether we're talking about the romantic or the sexual ones --seem like something you'd feel excited about and comfortable with? What ways seem either way ahead of what you feel ready for and comfortable with, or just seem like ways that wouldn't feel like a good fit for who you are as a person at this time in your life?
• What feels like it could be right, right now, with someone you have romantic or sexual feelings for, and what do you think would probably not be right for you now at all?
• What feels like something you might want, but feel like the responsibilities or possible circumstances of that thing are past what you can deal with or take responsibility for?
• If you're thinking about sex and sexuality with others, how do you feel about your sexuality all by yourself, so far? How have you felt exploring sexual activity by yourself (with masturbation) so far? Do you feel like you're comfortable enough with sex alone and in your sexuality alone to share it with someone else yet? If so, in what ways? What ways feel like a big-time no-way-not-yet?
• What do you feel like you want out of a dating relationship with someone else? What do you feel like you want to bring and give to one yourself? What do you feel open to right now, and what do you feel like you want to limit or put on hold for a year from now, five years, or even later in your life?
• If you could write out how a dating relationship went for you that started today and went on for the next few months, one at the kind of pace that seems right, one that has what you'd want as part of it, what would that ideally look like?

Your thoughts about questions like that can help you start to get a better sense of what you think is right for you, and what you want and don't want in terms of where you're at right now. And in the case that you do start dating soon, you'll also have a great start in when it comes to communicating all of these kinds of things to that person and asking them for their thoughts and feelings...

Read the rest here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... or_romance