Scarleteen

I know this must sound stupid, but how do I know whether I've had an orgasm or not?

When I'm working at it, I feel really good and at the furthest I've gotten there is a building sensation and...high point/peak I suppose, and then I feel loose and calm afterwards, but I'm not sure if that feeling is an actual orgasm, or whether I've hit the plateau stage and lost my groove. I've always thought that feeling was the plateau stage, because in I've everything I've read/seen, orgasms are supposed to be more intense? Have I been orgasming and not known it?

From what you are describing, it sounds like you might well be orgasming. From the outside, it is hard for us to answer that question for you. But maybe you will find this article helpful: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

It's also good to keep in mind that not all orgasms are super mind-blowing or intense. Some orgasms are smaller and more quiet.

Thank you for your help! I'm pretty sure I've orgasming now, but it's just really confusing and unfair when, after reading about sex/orgasms in books, media etc., women think/expect a female orgasm to be this all-consuming experience because that's all they've seen. Men see to have it easy; least they KNOW when they've had an orgasm because they ejaculate (I know that doesn't happen all the time for guys, but most of the time it does); I just feel like I'm in no man's land - was it or was it not?/did I or did I not?

Actually, orgasm and ejaculation for people with penises are two separate things, and one can absolutely occur without the other! So, nope, they don't always know, either.

The thing is, over time, and as you focus on your own experiences -- not someone else's, not media or book depictions, just you and your own body and mind -- this'll get easier. Even with variations in how orgasm feels, as there always will tend to be, you'll be able to identify things when you experience orgasm that differentiate it from...well, not-it.

But you know, there likely will still be times when you're not so sure. But that's okay! It's not like anyone has to report their orgasms to some kind of agency under threat of fines, nor does anyone need to know if what they experienced was or was not orgasm to know if they are enjoying themselves, are feeling good, or feel like they're done with sex (especially since orgasm doesn't mean someone's done!).

I think in spots like this it can help to step back and say, "Hey wait: why do I HAVE to know? What actually changes when I do know and I don't? Anything?"