Introducing and demystifying sex for my 16 y.o.

[Rivegauche610]

I'm considering offering our 16 y.o. the opportunity to be introduced to pleasuring a woman and himself by an empathetic professional sex worker in a European country where sex work is legal, protected and regulated. (My initial possible cities could be Amsterdam and Copenhagen.)

This will NOT be taking him to a brothel, then ..."surprise!". This will be something I talk to him about at length first and pursue only if he buys-in 100%. He may just want to discover on his own, and that is fine, but comes with considerations of safety and propriety. We still have over a year before he is 16.

Provided he does want to do this, how might I best discover and investigate the sources and make contacts? I would of course travel there before our trip to interview and contract the worker and make sure the objective is carried out with sensitivity and kindness, if possible. I will search until I find the "right" sex worker for him.

Where do I start? Has anyone in this forum any ideas?

[Redskies]

We're not the right place for discussions about how to engage a sex worker.

I'd strongly advise you to reconsider this whole plan for your currently-14 year-old. You know the phrase "putting the cart before the horse"?- this strikes me as putting the whole fleet of jumbo jets before the horse.

Young people are usually heavily impacted by the expectations of adults around them who they're close to and who they respect. Those expectations don't have to be requirements or even explicitly stated: young people pick up what their adults think of them and expect for them, whether the adults say it directly or not. Expectations about sex and relationships are usually particularly knotty for young people to manage, because there's already plenty enough to figure out just for one's self.

If you suggest something because you think it's a good idea and they haven't themself said anything to pursue it, your young person will very likely think that you think they should want or do what you're suggesting, and will probably feel confused, pressured, conflicted, and possibly inadequate or misjudged.

There's a very wide range of possible healthy development, per age, but generally 16 is still on the earlier side of things for more young people than not, and very many 16-year-olds wouldn't feel ready and wouldn't want to have any kind of partnered sex with anyone.

If young people are in a generally healthy, supportive environment - eg, without abuse and without shaming, with healthy boundaries and their own privacy, and with access to accurate and comprehensive information when they seek it - they'll naturally pursue their own sexual and interpersonal development at a speed and in ways that work for them, and will seek guidance when they need it. There's really no need to intervene in something like this. It's also usually inappropriate for a parent or guardian to be involved in this way in their child's sexual life: it's not giving the young person adequate privacy and autonomy over their own development, and that's very likely to be harmful.

If what you want is to be supportive of your young person's own future sexual life and well-being, there are many, many things you could do which have a much better chance of achieving that than what you were suggesting. We have a great deal of information on the main site, including plenty specifically for parents and guardians.

If what you want is to offer your young person an opportunity for travel and discovery, I suggest you ask him what kind of international trip he'd like and what he'd want to do.

[Iwanthelp]

What Redskies said aside, I just can't see a sexworker being comfortable with this? Sure, age of consent dips below 18 and even 16 in a lot of places but he's a kid. I can't see them wanting to take you up on this at all. Even if you do all of the research and don't press the issue its' just...suggesting a sexworker is going to feel like "I see you haven't Had Sex Already so I was thinking your parents could literally arrange for this so you'll go faster and stop being a virgin mcvirginface already : D", no matter how you spin it - I mean if his lack of exploration was fine to you as-is you wouldn't be considering getting involved, know what I mean?

[Rivegauche610]

This search of mine was triggered by an Upworthy article about a mom who found her son's homemade sex toys - made out of kitchen implements - that were potentially dangerous. So she offered to buy him (or give him money to buy) his own real sex toys. She also opened up a line of caring communication with her son to let him know that it was OK and natural and not to be embarrassed. Please don't misunderstand that I am simply trying to get my son laid or abide by some cultural practice of which we are not a part. I am trying to discover ways to ease his entry into the world of human intimacy in ways that don't have to butt heads with distasteful American conventional wisdom and twisted morality about abstinence and "sex is dirty"...

I understand he can discover everything on his own, and I don't know (because there aren't a lot of manuals on this; yes, I ordered a couple from Amazon) how far a loving parent should go to make his son's sexual way easier, but nothing has been done yet. I am seeking data, information and points of view.

Sex is good, natural and a "blessing" to one's body and mind. Getting to that realization can be difficult and cumbersome especially for the young.

[Karyn]

Offering to help a young person purchase sex toys for reasons of safety is vastly different than finding them a partner. The best thing you can do as a parent is to ensure that your son knows where to find accurate, non-judgmental information about sexuality, and to make sure he knows that you are someone he can come to with questions or if he needs help. (Or if he would prefer to talk to someone else - which happens sometimes - you can make clear that you would be willing to help him find another supportive adult to speak with.) As Redskies has already pointed out, going so far as to find your son a partner isn't necessary, and interfering in this way is a real violation of boundaries, privacy, and autonomy. Young people for the most part will explore their sexuality alone and with partners at a pace and in ways that they find comfortable. That exploration is often accompanied by a few missteps or awkward moments, but those experiences are actually valuable and important experiences to have: sex is not always perfect or easy or simple, and we all learn as much from experiences that don't go the way we want as we learn from experiences that are fantastic.

You mention that you're not sure where to go for information about parenting as it relates to sexuality and adolescence. In addition to the books you've ordered, there are some good resources online:
-Our own series on how to talk to your kids about sex, Scarleteen Confidential (and in particular, this piece: http://www.scarleteen.com/scarleteen_co ... e_big_five)
-The Sex Positive Parent
-Nadine Thornhill is a sex educator who runs workshops for young people but also works with parents; she has a number of resources on parenting and sexuality.
-In a similar vein, Marnie Goldenberg is a sex educator whose work primarily focuses on helping parents talk about sexuality and relationships with their kids.

[Redskies]

Adding on to the information Karyn posted-

Another big difference between the mom-and-the-sex-toy-offer story and what you were originally suggesting is that her offer happened when she knew her son was in a place where it was relevant (she knew her son had sex toys), and she knew that improved safety was needed (the toys were unsafe). With anything generally, but especially with something so personal and so varied as sexuality, it's really important to follow what's appropriate and relevant for the particular young person and wherever they're at in their own development.

To illustrate that a little, we fairly regularly talk with young people whose parent has assumed that the young person needs birth control and/or needs to see a sexual healthcare provider. Mostly, those parents/guardians mean well, and they're doing it because they want their young person to be safe and healthy. But they're making a bad mistake by not finding out first where the young person is really at and what they really need. Those young people - very especially the ones who don't yet need those things, but also sometimes the ones who do but whose parent started from an assumption - are usually pretty distressed, and those actions and assumptions don't end up helping the young person any, and usually harm the relationship with their parent. (Access to contraception and healthcare, and knowledge that a parent/guardian would support and enable that access, is important and good! An assumption at any point that those things are needed, not so much.)

Too, please be a little careful with the "sex is good, sex is natural" thing. Absolutely, it's wrong that there are many messages in the world that sex and sexual feelings are bad or shameful, and it's important to send messages that you don't think like that. But it's okay, and inevitable, for feelings about sex - in general, and about specific experiences - to sometimes be ambivalent or negative. Especially (but not exclusively!) for younger people, sex can be a big deal, and feel very loaded, and it's really important that they have room to feel however they feel about it, and to know that that's normal and healthy.

For people who don't (yet) feel ready or aren't (yet) interested in sex, an unqualified "sex is good, sex is natural" mesage can feel like a lot of pressure, and can seem like a big message that something's wrong with them. Obviously, those aren't messages you'd actually want to send! For others, many things will be very new, and they'll be discovering what they do and don't like, both in general and at that particular point in their lives. As part of that discovery, it's inevitable that sometimes they'll come up against or go over their own boundaries and the edges of their own comfort, confidence and readiness. It's important that they know how to recognise that, and recognise and accept their own not-okay feelings.

[Rivegauche610]

What a wonderful, considered and kind reply. Thank you very much. What you wrote makes sense. I'll read again and think on it. I appreciate the time you took for a gentle reply, because I took a risk posting here. I love my son very much and have maintained respectful distance as adolescence progresses, and so far it has been a good progression. It's sometimes an awful world, and sex has such an unnaturally difficult place in human consciousness I worry he will be harmed or warped. But a message I have gotten here and elsewhere is that the process of self-discovery can't be entirely protected, so I have to be here and check in often to make sure he isn't injured in any way, I guess. I wasn't the most successful parent in the first marriage, so I am trying to do it better with my stepson. As my dotage approaches, and whatever parenting skills I once had have eroded into geriatric oblivion, I nevertheless see greatness and considerable beauty of thought in him and I don't want that harmed or abused. He is also a high-order thinker and has a gentle streak that maintains despite the rigors of hormonal changes.

Thanks again. I hope this isn't the last time I hear from you!