Scarleteen

I've been having a great life. I hang with good people, I have a nice family, and I'm gonna get to go to a new school later this year where I can hopefully find potential partners who share my interests. The thing is that it's gonna be a while until I can get into the new school. I might not even make it in. It's gonna take even longer to find a potential partner once I settle in and even longer for the relationship to be sex-ready for both of us. I know I've posted a very similar discussion in the Newbies forum, but I'm shifting my focus to primarily casual partnerships, though I don't like to refer to it as "hooking up". I had a focus on having both a romantic and a sexual relationship but I decided to shift my focus since having such a complex relationship like that would be too much at this point in my life. I'm going to the new school to rejoice in my interests and what I want to be when I've grown up. It may take a long-ass time to get to know a possible partner or I may not even find one. Where else can I go to find casual sex partners if I can't find one at the new school? I know there are women out there with sexual needs just like me, and I would like to know a few other places to look. I'm not frustrated or worried like I was on the other discussion, I'm just concerned about my sex life and how I can get along there.

One thing you could look into is using a dating site like okcupid, or an app like tinder, which will allow you to specifically set your preferences for casual sexual relationships and filter your search so that only people who are interested in the same will show up for you. There are a lot of different dating sites and services and there may be some that are more popular in your area, but that's just something you'll figure out by trial and error, or by asking around.
[edited to add: I'm sorry, I didn't double-check your age before I posted that response; you do need to be 18+ to use any dating service I'm aware of so this is likely not an option you will be able to pursue right away.]

I think, too, that it can help to refocus your thought process here from "I want to find sexual partners" to "I want to make connections with people" and see where things go from there. Outside of an explicitly sexually-focused environment, which you aren't able to access at your age, it's not going to be polite to bring up a sexual relationship immediately upon meeting or interacting with someone, but the more people you meet and connect with, the greater the chances are that you'll click with someone who's looking for the same things you are. There's really no secret to making this happen, beyond finding ways to connect with people - and what works best will vary from person to person.

I'm quite sorry. I was going to write up a lot more even before you replied, Mo. I know I may be a little young to be kinky and I know not to ask for or talk about sex immediately after I first meet a woman. I didn't want to cram everything into one post and make you read every little detail to formulate a reasonable response. Thank you for your advice, Mo. Even if dating sites were available to me, I would rather meet people in person because I'll get to know who they truly are inside and out. I don't want a one-night stand. I may not want a romantic relationship now, but I still want a quality relationship prioritized upon mutual/common sexual needs and desires. I want a woman who can help me fulfil my sexual needs and whose needs are in my boundaries for me to fulfil in return. Not having a romantic relationship doesn't mean there's no lovely connection, it's just that a desire to have sex that we both have is the primary reason we get into a relationship (i. e. "I want a sexual partner" has been the mindset in both of us) in the first place. I would like to meet people in a place that may be like a local, in-person version of a dating site, where I can meet people who are also on the make just like me. The new school would be a great place to get to know people, but I'm not going there to find a sex partner. I'm going there to follow other passions. Like I said, I know I'm a little young, but I'm planning for my future which is important to me. Whether or not you consider the relationship ideals I've described here healthy or not, they are to me, and I know there are women out there who have relational/sexual needs just like my own, and I would love to share a connection with that kind of woman.

Hey cityofthedead,

To me, it seems like Mo's advice still applies for the type of relationship you are looking for. Even more so really. The best thing to do when you are looking to connect with a person is to get out and meet people. As you all get to know one another, you all get to determine how that relationship will look in a way that is most comfortable for those involved.

I realize that your initial question asked where to go in order to find this , but as Mo said there isn't a space for your age range that explicitly addresses sexual relationships. Outside of school, meeting people might involve community centers, programs outside of school, etc. But it really just boils down to building new relationships based on getting to know a person.

There is nothing wrong with knowing what type of relationship you are looking for, however, it can be limiting if the sexual aspect is the main focus. I can not speak for Mo, but I do not think there was any intention to say that your desire is healthy or unhealthy, simply to point out that switching your focus to meeting people to connect with in general could provide more opportunities to develop the type of relationship you are looking for. And from what you have said here, that does seem like something you might be open to.

I definitely wasn't trying to imply that what you're looking for isn't healthy or ok, and I'm sorry that my response came off that way. In order to initiate any sort of sexual relationship with someone, you need to meet and get to know them to some extent - so focusing on making connections with new and interesting people will help you find more people you click with, and someone in there might be looking for the same things you're looking for. And even someone who's interested in casual sex will appreciate that you're seeking them out as an interesting person first, and not just as someone to be sexual with, so adjusting your mindset might be a little helpful in that area too. That's the short version of what I was saying above.

You're really clear that you don't want anonymous one-night-stand type encounters, and when you're talking about pursuing ongoing casual sexual relationships with people, there really isn't that much difference between how you find or initiate those and how you find or initiate romantic or less-casual relationships. Ideally people will talk a bit, when starting up a relationship of any kind, to share what their wants or expectations are for a relationship and what kind of relationship style they prefer. You seem really clear on what you want, which is great! But the only way to know if someone else wants the same thing is to have someone in mind, establish some base level of rapport with them, and then ask.

If you had a specific person in mind, I'd be saying something different, but from what you've said here it's more an issue of finding people you might be compatible with and who might have similar wants in terms of relationship style. My thoughts here are the same as what I'd tell someone who was looking for a romantic partner: often the best way to find people to date, have sex with, be friends with, etc. is to put the work into meeting new people. There's no way to guarantee that anyone will find exactly the kind of partner or relationship they want, but there's really no secret to it other than making those connections. Even online dating, or sexually-oriented meetups, are the same thing; using those spaces to meet people still requires effort in making and maintaining connections.

Does that clarify what I said earlier at all?

I forgive you from your initial response, Mo. Thank you again. Anyways, I've taken your advice. I talk to people at school about non-sexual things, ask questions and let them answer without interrupting, and I try to be as nice as I can to everyone I meet. But I don't feel like I'm getting very far. I've never had a lot of friends through my whole life and I feel like I'm being discriminated against because I'm in classes and groups with "special needs" kids. This is why I need to go to places solely designed for sexual meet-ups because I don't have any other places to go to find people I'm compatible with. It's an uncomfortable experience because first of all, there aren't any places in my town designed for searching out partners, and secondly, even if there were, people would call me "too young" and kick me out. I'm 15 as of this upload. I've been in a sexual stage of puberty since last year. I can only imagine how it would suck for girls since they usually begin puberty earlier in their lives. I try to be a good person, and I do everything I can to come across as appealing and active, but I can't seem to find anyone who I would be attracted to, and who would be attracted to me. I know this has been and will go very similar to my other discussion. Thank you all for your advice. I know you try, but it's not easy for me.

Hi again, cityofthedead.

It sounds like you're doing pretty much all the right things when it comes to trying to find potential sexual partners, and I can understand your frustration that what you're doing isn't working. However, that's just what happens sometimes, to everyone. Regardless of how old you are, chance is a significant part of meeting potential partners, and no matter what you do there is NEVER any guarantee that you will meet someone you click with. Introducing yourself to new people increases the chances that you will, just because the more people you meet the more likely it is that one of them will be someone who's attracted to you and vice versa, but it isn't ever a sure thing. Sometimes, as much as it sucks, you just have to wait.

I feel like what you're asking for here is some guaranteed way you can find people who will want to have sex with you, and there just isn't one - no matter what your age or what social avenues you have open to you. Even at events designed to get people together to find sexual partners, there's no guarantee that everyone who attends will be successful.
There's a lot of chance involved any time two people manage to meet each other, establish mutual interest, and align their lives in a way that allows them to start any sort of dating/romantic/sexual relationship. We've tried to talk about ways to maximize meeting people, which raises the chances that you'll find someone you click with who feels the same way, and there's really no secret beyond that. There isn't something we can tell you - or that we could tell anyone else - to speed up the process.

Thank you, awesome peeps. I'll make the best of my life as I become an independent you adult. I just have one quick question, answers may vary: Would it be okay to enter a sexual relationship if both partners are just looking for a sexual outlet?

As long as both people know that that's what the relationship is about, and have agreed it's okay, then yep that can work. (However, sex often isn't that enjoyable if one or both/all people involved are basically just in it to get off - essentially using the other person as a tool for their own masturbation - so that's something to keep in mind.)

Karyn wrote:As long as both people know that that's what the relationship is about, and have agreed it's okay, then yep that can work. (However, sex often isn't that enjoyable if one or both/all people involved are basically just in it to get off - essentially using the other person as a tool for their own masturbation - so that's something to keep in mind.)

I can imagine that it wouldn't be okay for one person to use another for sex just for the sake of it, but is it really accurate to say the same if both partners are more into sex than they are into each other? You people have written in your Navigating Consent article that these feelings and desires are mutual and exciting when both partners have them and are bitching to act on them. So with the right protective materials at hand, what's the hold-up? If two people only want each other to get off, it's still mutual as both people share those desires and are willing to act on them, therefore it is total consent. That's just my thinking here. You might think differently.

Hey cityofthedead,

Hope it's okay for me to jump in here. I can't speak for Karyn, but from what I can tell she was not referring to consent. In your last post, you described a scenario where two people are giving an enthusiastic "yes!" to sex with each other, which you are right, would make it consensual. Karyn seemed to be specifically talking about how fulfilling that sexual activity might be. (Correct me if I'm wrong Karen!)

If someone was "just looking for a sexual outlet"--I would recommend masturbation to them. Whether partnered sex is happening within a serious relationship or a more casual one, it is always a shared activity. And so if someone was more interested in sexual release, rather than sexual connection, masturbation might be a better fit.

I am wondering: since you are not finding any sexual partners right now, but are feeling a strong sexual desire, are there ways that you can channel that into your masturbation? Sex just with oneself is a great time to further explore what feels good to us, try out new fantasies etc. And then we always have the option to share these discoveries with potential future sexual partner(s)!

I should have been clearer in my response, sorry about that! Alice is right: I wasn't talking about consent, but just about the fact that sex when one or both people are just looking to get off tends not to be all that much fun. As she said, partnered sex is a shared experience and in order to be enjoyable it usually requires some level of investment not only in your own pleasure but the other person's as well, which can be less likely if someone is just looking for sexual release.

Okay Karyn, I get it now. Since sex aside from masturbation is an activity involving multiple people, they all have to invest in each other's pleasure as well as their own. Otherwise, it won't work right. I'm still kind of confused because isn't it okay to engage in sexual activity whenever partners reciprocate each others' feelings and desires as long as barrier and hormonal protection is involved? I know it wouldn't be okay at all to get into a sexual situation if one partner wants sex but the other doesn't. What I was talking about there is one person wanting to have a sexual partner ("I really want to have sex!") but couldn't find anyone, and another person in the same situation ("I really want to have sex!"). Wherever, however it happens, they run into each other, both finding out the other is "available". So the they don't wait longer than it takes to advocate one another's needs, give background checks like they do at weapon shops, and getting the materials they need for protection to hit the bedroom. That is a relationship between two people reciprocating feelings, which the writers on this site made a whole article about. So it is totally acceptable for them to engage in sexual behavior and for other people to let them do so. Isn't that the idea of a sexual relationship?

Yes, if two people want to engage in mutually enjoyable sexual relationship and are being careful about things like STIs and birth control, then that's something they get to do.

What about the adult industry? If I were to become a porn actor any time in the future, would that be a good environment for me to look for and get to know people who have wants and needs similar to mine? I don't know much about the adult industry so I may have the right or wrong idea.

Hey cityofthedead,

I definitely can't speak for all the people who work in the adult entertainment industry, but I would say it's important to separate the on-screen work (which it is--work) and personal lives of adult performers. People who perform in video pornography are likely to have multiple/many sexual partners on-screen, but plenty are in otherwise monogamous relationships or even marriages outside of work and/or are not looking for casual sex outside of work.

I'm sorry if it's awkward that I keep waiting some days in between each message I post here because I have tons of work to do and little time to read and write on these forums and figure out how to talk about serious subjects like this. I live in a shithole where I have no control whatsoever over the places I go and other things like that for me to do with my life. I go to school with the same kids every year, I only spend my recreational time around my small family and I seriously can't go anywhere to get to know potential sex partners. I've been reading up various articles and informing myself on your website and other sexual education websites more and more, and I think I've lost it. I don't care what sex is like anymore. If it turns out to be a painful experience, I'm just gonna roll with it because I asked for it. If I accidentally impregnate a partner or give or get an STD, I'll take every consequence and make all the amends I'll have to. I'll go on special medication or bring my partner to get emergency contraception or an abortion if that's what it takes. I don't want to seek out really great sex anymore like even a lot of you sex educators talk about a lot because I know that is never a promise. I don't want to be a stud or claim ownership over women's bodies, I just want to put my sex out there to a desirable woman who also desperately desires a sex partner and is willing to act upon common sexual desires with me. I know I said in my other discussion that I would just go with the flow and put this issue aside, but that's waaaaaaay easier said than done.

I think something that may help is to think of sex as something that often falls somewhere in the middle of our expectations. It's not the best thing ever, nor is it a total catastrophe. It's usually fun and pleasurable, maybe a little awkward or disappointing sometimes. And in the case of both casual sex and sex within a more committed relationship, the major factor that helps move it from "meh" to "woohoo" is a willingness by both partners to communicate about boundaries and desires. I'd caution against deciding that you'll accept terrible or painful sex because you wanted sex and it feels like those outcomes are the price you have to pay.

Something that might also help is to do some self-searching and think about why this feels so urgent to you. Is it mostly about finding pleasure and release, or are you hoping to find something else in those interactions?

I've taken a week or so to think about my answer to Sam's great question. I don't just want a pussy to hammer back and forth within. I don't what to enhance my masturbation. I don't want to conquer a woman or her body. I don't want these because I know there are very underlooked female equivalents that can be a lot more dangerous than people think. What I truly want is a partner. No where higher or lower in power than me. I may not know specifically who I would like a sexual experience with but that doesn't mean I'm looking at sexual partnership as something all about me and not the other person. I want physical pleasure combined with an emotional, mutual connection, which is why masturbation is getting old for me since that's just trying to get your personal jitters out. I want a partner who desires the same things or very similar things to what I desire and I will make sure I invest in her as much as she invests in me.

Can you give me an idea of where you'd like to take this conversation from here?

(Also, can I ask that you bear in mind those of us reading and recognize that phrases like "a pussy to hammer back and forth," tend to make people with that anatomy feel pretty yucked out and uncomfortable? It's important we all make an effort to make this space feel okay for everyone, so saying something less YIPES! like, "I don't want to use someone's body like an object," is better. Thanks!)

First of all, Heather, that's a funny question. You asked something similar on my other discussion. Secondly, I'm sorry. I won't use graphic language like I did on your forums again.
Anyways, I would like to talk about masturbation and why I feel like I could be doing something different, something better. When I masturbate, I'm all on my own, so there's nobody there for me to share my pleasure with and bond with. Masturbation doesn't hurt, but I still feel I'd like to have a sexual partner because it adds a lot more emotional, mutual connection to what is otherwise a purely physical experience solely for my personal pleasure that isolates me. I interact with people around me, excersize my social skills and spend time with people I like platonically. But the disconcerning truth is that masturbation, although a fun form of self-discovery for a time, now feels like a burden to being able to invest in another person's pleasure rather than solely my own. This is why sex is so important to me. The question in the title of this discussion didn't mean nothing. I want to go to places where I can meet women with very similar issues as me so we can get to know each other and discuss why sex would be such an important experience for both of us. Whether it it turns out to be Heaven on Earth, or a worse nightmare than being forced to raise a whole crapload of children, it will be learning curve for both of us and our lives.

Hey cityofthedead,

I hear you. You are masturbating, but are really seeking a partnered sexual connection. You really want to meet women who have similar desires as you, who you can explore partnered sex with. You have not yet found any of these potential partners and that is really frustrating. And right now this is feeling really urgent.

The reality is: there is just no way to guarantee you can find a sexual partner at any given time.

I know we have communicated something like that in previous posts, and I'm guessing it's something that you realize, but I understand it can be really frustrating.

What do you feel like would be helpful from us?
Maybe you need some time to sit with this, and process it.
Maybe you want some more proactive suggestions--for example, we could talk about what emotional support you could receive as you navigate this frustration, or what kinds of non-sexual connection you could seek out for the time being (because there are a lot of other really special ways of connecting with people that aren't sexual!).
Before diving into those suggestions though, I want to check with you. Because I don't want to get into a pattern of suggesting ideas, that don't directly answer the question of: where do I find someone to have sex with, and end up fueling the frustration you are feeling.

Alice is right, I did have to sit this through. We keep going in circles with all this like, I know what I want in relationships and how to treat people and all that, but you say the same things whenever I bring up my unwavering relationship ideals. I feel better, now. I shouldn't be so concerned with having sex and partners and when it's gonna happen. I'm just very prepared for whenever that situation comes along, which nobody really knows, and is why this feels so urgent all the time. I can't believe I totally slammed masturbation earlier. Masturbation is no lonely experience that keeps you away from other people. You just have to channel your personal rights and wrongs into masturbation and any kind of relationship you have, now or in the future. Thank you, guys. I've figured it out. This is probably gonna be my last Message Board upload for a while because I want to rejoice in my in-person connections and aspects of life as much as I can. There is no special place full of people just bitching to have sex. I'll just be open to as many environments as possible.