Scarleteen

My friend (A, they/them pronouns) was recently assaulted by another friend (C, he/him pronouns). C claims he didn't realise that they didn't want to have sex and that they initiated some of it. He does accept that he was responsible for what happened and it was in no way A's fault, he should have asked properly and made sure they were happy and comfortable with the situation and recognised that they were tense and uncomfortable.

A isnt talking to C which is completely fair and understandable. I'm fairly sure that A doesn't want to press charges against C though and wants to just not interact with him again.

The problem is that I'm not sure where I should stand on this. I don't want to ostracise C, partly because he has mental health problems that would probably be made worse if everyone cut him off, and also because he knows what he did was wrong, he didn't have any malicious intent, and he is genuinely sorry.
Obviously neither intent nor apology makes any difference to what he did, and A doesn't have to forgive him or anything.
I'm just worried that A, will be upset if I continue to talk to C, and that me remaining friends with him will seem as though I am excusing what he's done which I'm really not.

Hi SophieR,

This sounds like a sticky situation to be in. My first piece of advice would be to check-in with A about how they're feeling about the fact that their friends may still be in contact with C. I would make that part of a bigger check-in with A to see how they're doing and if there is anything you can do to support them. You also need to consider what you plan to do should their be group events where both A and C would be invited. That comes up as a common issue when assault occurs within a friend group. I know you say you'd feel bad about excluding C, but when it comes down to it, excluding A is worse, as it essentially penalizes them for not wanting to be around someone who assaulted them (this may never even arise as an issue, but as I said it's a good thing to consider and plan for).

You may also want to think about how A's version of events differs from C's. Does A's version say their was less ambiguity in the situation than C's does? If there is a difference, as hard as it may be to think your friend could do it, you'd need to believe A's version over C's.

Honestly, you cannot realistically be friends with someone that sexually assaulted one of your friends. At best if you do so the message you send out is that it wasn't a real enough assault to count (You are kind of mitigating it by going into how poor C totally didn't know they were raping/whatever they did to someone and didn't mean to and oh look he'd feel sad if he got ostracized for it) or at least something severe enough where you would consider the person that did such a heinous act to them bad. I've had people go "oh x was poor innocent baby and didn't know any better" to me on lesser harassment, it fucked me up personally. Your continued friendship with him just sends the message that it wasn't 'really' that bad.

Even in cases where the rapist 'didn't know' they were raping it wasn't necessarily altruistic/total obliviousness on their part? The guy proceeded right to whatever he did without asking and ignored the fact they weren't into it.
I'm gonna second that C's side is not reliable here. He's given you like three factors to try and mitigate the situation (the whole "oh I didn't realize I did Bad Thing"/"they initiated some sexual acts first so it was totally confusing on their end rite"/"look how supersorry I am for this illegal thing I did" stuff and I wouldn't be surprised if your 'but he would be so sad if he got ostracized' is just stemming from more manipulation on his end).

I realize I sound like a dick here but choosing both is ultimately choosing him. I have never been able to maintain friendships with folk still buddied up to my abusers for long personally because there was always some level of "it wasn't so bad" to their rationalization and that actively set back my recovery to have them in my presence. Please, don't fall for the neutrality fallacy with something this severe, please don't hurt your friend.

Iwanthelp is right. There is no neutrality in a situation like this; you are either staying friends with a known rapist or you're supporting your friend who was raped. By choosing to stick around because 'it would really upset him if I cut him off' you're prioritizing a rapist's feelings over his victim's feelings. (By the way, he *should* be ostracized. Mental health issues do not give someone a free pass from the consequences of committing a rape.) Regardless of if he understood how consent works or not, he did rape someone--someone you care about. No amount of "I didn't know, I thought they wanted it" will take that away (even if it is the truth). Like Iwanthelp says, you're sending the message that you don't think it was 'really that bad.'
I understand that it's hard to cut off someone who has been a good friend to you, because you see their good qualities and positive aspects, but this person is a rapist. This person violated and hurt someone you care about, and no matter what you choose, you cannot choose neutrality. So please, choose consciously.