Can't orgasm like I used to?

[natcmau]

My boyfriend and I engage in oral sex fairly often and he used to be able to make me orgasm really easily from that, but lately it's been a lot harder for him to do so and it's frustrating. I try to relax and enjoy the moment, but I get anxious if it takes a while and sometimes it feels like my clit is getting over stimulated and it kind of hurts. Do you have any advice? We talk through it and it's not causing a huge problem in our relationship, but I know he feels bad if he can't make me orgasm, which I don't want for him. Being intimate with him is less about the results and more about the experience for me... but the results are still enjoyable and I'd like to figure out how to make them happen more often haha

I think part of the problem may be because I'm on birth control and that supposedly lowers your sex drive?? I don't know. I've been bothered by it lately.
Thanks.

[Heather]

What are we talking about with a timeline here? In other words, how long has this been going on?

Additionally, have you two been exploring other activities to see if perhaps something new might get you there? Have you also talked about how orgasm from oral sex just isn't clearly happening for you right now, so he needs to let go of attachment to that, and instead have it be something you two do just when you are both enjoying it, orgasm or no? And something you stop doing at any point it doesn't feel good anymore, physically or emotionally?

Heck, have you talked in general about him doing what he can not to feel like your orgasm is his responsibility, but instead, an involuntary response your body has that's largely outside both your control?

Being on a birth control method rarely impacts orgasm. It can impact the desire people feel to be sexual however, and that can impact orgasm: are you feeling less desire to be sexual? Are you having similar issues with masturbation?

[Heather]

Also, I had forgotten about your previous posts about other sexual activities not feeling satisfying for you with this partner. So, has that changed at all, or would you say there is just a growing theme of sex between you not feeling so right?

Can I ask if he, or you, or both, bring these same kinds of frustrations to sex in general, where orgasm happening seems like a major big deal, and like something that, if it doesn't happen, is a big problem?

[natcmau]

He can make me orgasm from oral sex generally about half of the time, but it takes a little while. We've tried other positions and I've been telling him more of what I like and don't like, which seems to help some. Like I said, we've talked about it and yes, we do stop if it ever stops feel comfortable for me in any way. We've talked lots of times about how it's not just about the orgasm and I think he knows this, but just doesn't want to disappoint me.
I don't masturbate often anymore, so I wouldn't know if it's a problem or not.
To answer your other question, things have gotten better sexually between us. Vaginal intercourse is more enjoyable and I love being that close to him for sure. He's a great partner and I really enjoy being with him in every aspect of my life, not just sexually- though that's good as well, for the most part.

[Heather]

Okay.

It sounds to me like you two might benefit from having some more talks, big, open ones, about the following:
a) Is it only you thinking oral sex is taking too long? Does he feel that way? If he doesn't, do you feel differently knowing that? Is there a "too long" for you, or only one you think is too long for him?
b) Why does he feel frustrated when you don't reach orgasm, especially if he knows and understands that someone's orgasm is mostly about them and their body, not about a partner at all? What is he looking for in orgasm from you for himself, and what else could you two be doing to give him what he's looking for? Like, if it's about validation he's pleasing you, might there be other ways you can work on demonstrating that?
c) Why does he think he will disappoint you? In what way? Do YOU feel disappointed by him in the ways he is worried about? If not, can you talk about that together? If so, can you talk to work out how to deal when one or both of you feels disappointed by sex, a thing that is simply going to happen for everyone with sex sometimes?

[natcmau]

a) Sometimes I get frustrated and like I said, it feels as though I sometimes even get overstimulated and won't be able to orgasm because of that, but mostly he says that it makes his jaw/ tongue hurt if it takes a while and I don't wanna cause someone I love any harm haha it's frustrating to me because i really do want to orgasm. it's less about my frustration with him because i'm actually not at all, but i'm more frustrated with myself. i feel defective if i can't orgasm anymore after something that used to do it for me so easily. it turns him on a lot to know he can help me reach orgasm, so i feel partly like i've failed him as a lover if i can't do so. him performing oral sex on me has always been equally enjoyable for the both of us and now it's making me anxious and i don't know what changed.
b) Like I said, I think he's afraid of disappointing me. Also, he really genuinely cares about pleasing me and I think he sometimes correlates me not orgasm-ing with it being an "unfinished" job or something like that. I'm not sure. I'd have to ask him more about it. I think we've both somehow had that mentality engrained into our minds and now we're struggling to get rid of it. I also sometimes feel a lack of intimacy of I don't get to orgasm and he does (which he always does).
c) I think he's worried about disappointing me because I feel bad when I don't orgasm because I feel like I'm disappointing him (if that makes any sense at all). I don't feel disappointed in him. I feel disappointed in myself most of the times when I can't orgasm because I feel like I've hurt his feelings.

I'm going to try and tell him more about what I like and how to help me reach orgasm, but a lot of the times it's just a hit or miss. I feel like I'm shooting in the dark on what to tell him and how to help him help me. I love this guy a lot and definitely don't want any of this to come between us. I'm just kinda at a loss.

[Heather]

You know, orgasm isn't something that is about people being "working" or "defective." Again, orgasm is an involuntary body response, like sneezing. While we can find things that make it more likely to happen -- and sometimes we can, and other times we can't -- it's something largely out of our control. Where you say it's mostly hit or miss? That's not unusual, especially when sex with a partner is still very new, for women, and when someone also isn't pretty expert at getting themselves off, IME.

Too, people are sexually fluid, and that includes our sexual responses to something often changing over time, sometimes very often. Nothing has to "happen" to create those changes: they just happen sometimes. This is just part and parcel of being a person, not a robot.

I hear you bringing up a lot about each of you, in various ways, expressing feeling of sexual "failure." How about seeing if you can't change your frameworks here and not make sex a pass-or-fail course, but instead, think about is as an adventure, where so long as everyone's present and just going with whatever their flow is, it's all good? Maybe talk about that, together, too?

Again, sex shouldn't be something like feels like a job, and if people treat it like it is, it's going to feel like it is. Sexual lives and sexualities people truly enjoy and stay satisfied with tend to be process-oriented, not product-oriented. It's when folks think about it as pass-or-fail, as a job, as a performance, as work to deliver that...well, it tends to feel that way.

One thing I sometimes suggest when people are finding they are having a very hard time focusing on something besides orgasm is to take some time to do things together or alone that are in no way about orgasm: where it's actually not at all likely to happen. So, sensual, versus sexual activities, or ways of touching each other that are more like massage, or snuggling or even sticking to kissing and making out. Spending some dedicated time with things like that can sometimes help reframe sex when you do go back to it, and remind people -- not just intellectually, but physically -- about pleasure and how to focus on that.