Confusion

[kindascared]

I met this guy on Facebook.
He lives 3 hours away from me.
We've been friends since about 8 months ago, and we've talked off and on. Things changed 3 weeks ago when we bonded over some serious things. And we talked every waking moment possible. We skipped out on sleep to video chat every night. And we talked about feelings and experiences that we have never told anyone else. We had this insane connection that we've never experienced with anyone else.

He was in a relationship in the beginning (one that's lasted 8 years), but he wasn't happy because he changed himself for her. So he broke things off. And I was recently broken up with as well, so nothing was stopping us from seeing each other.

He drove to see me this past Friday. And it was the single most best day of my life. We laughed and cried and kissed and we were so scared to touch each other because we didn't think we were real. We spent 17 hours together that day until he had to drive home at 1am.

Today he told me he felt guilty, and confused. And he didn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't want to hurt me or his ex. He told her about coming to see me, and that we kissed and everything. And she told him she couldn't be in his life if I was.

And he chose her. He chose to give her a second chance. And I feel so broken, because he promised me the world. I feel used and lied to. What do I do?

[Mo]

I'm so sorry to hear this - it's totally understandable that you'd feel so upset and confused, after it sounds like you'd had such a good time together this weekend, and a deepening connection overall. In the short term, I think making sure you're taking care of yourself by trying to eat/sleep on a good schedule, finding time to be social with friends (maybe even focusing on sillier stuff as a distraction), etc. is going to be helpful. Absolutely give yourself space to feel upset! If it helps to express your feelings through journaling, artistic expression, or just doing some really intense physical activity to quiet your mind, then definitely take the time to do those things.

Have you seen this article on breakups? Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking Not everything here may apply to your situation, but I think it would still be a good read.

[kindascared]

It's been a week since I saw him in person.
I'm still having a hard time with all of this, because we are still texting. We aren't video chatting anymore and haven't since last week when things were okay. He won't even talk on the phone with me anymore, he just texts. And rarely too.

I can't get on Facebook either because his girlfriend (or not girlfriend?) keeps posting pictures with him. And it hurts me because he's smiling so big.

I don't know how to handle any of this. I've been painting and writing and reading. I even made time to hang out with a couple friends. They just talked about their boyfriends though. Which made it totally unbearable.
Im supposed to hang out with my other friends this weekend. Hopefully that goes better.

I'm still feeling broken. I miss having him talk to me as frequently. And I miss the attention. I miss having him be there 24/7. Answering the phone as soon as I dialed. I don't know what else to do.

[Mo]

It can be really tough to adjust to not having the time and attention you've come to expect and enjoy from someone, for sure. It sounds like it's been a hard week for you, and I'm sorry to hear that. It does sound like you've been trying to keep busy, which I think is a good step; even if it doesn't feel like it's working too well yet, I think it's a good thing to focus on.

One thing I do want to suggest is that you take a break from texting with him altogether for a bit (by which I mean a few weeks or months at least). I realize that you're hurting a lot and missing him, and that having even that little bit of interaction with him might feel like something you don't want to give up, but taking a break for real from interacting with him might help you with the process of healing and getting used to the situation as it is now. If he wants to maintain some level of friendship with you in the future, surely you'll understand why you need some space now. You can also hide his posts on facebook if you want, or just unfollow him for now. Social media can make things like breakups feel really complicated, but it's always fine to unfollow, block, mute etc. anyone when you need to.

When hanging out with your friends, it's ok to say "hey y'all, since I'm feeling really heartbroken right now can we talk about something other than relationships and boyfriends for a bit?" and try to gently redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic.