Scarleteen

Hi,

I've been with my partner for 4 years. He just told me that, at the start of our relationship, about three times he had sex with me that he didn't want and that I didn't pick up on. I realise that, at the start of our relationship (before he transitioned) I thought of him as this sexual, fun loving cool dykey lesbian and didn't understand a lot of his sexual history (which includes, as I found out later, a rape). Most of the time we had an amazing sex life, it was funny and exciting and the first time i had ever felt happy in a sexual relationship with anyone else. I felt respected for the first time - as I've had a lot of horrible, rapey sex with people in the past - and was so happy to have a partner who I felt was on the same page as me sexually.

Despite all this happy sexual times (in my head), about 8 months into our relationship, he stopped having sex with me. We've stayed together and monogamous, because in my head I have been respecting his wish not to have sex, and I love him and our relationship. I always felt like I was good and respectful, but last night he told me about these three times in the first few months when he didn't feel in control and actually said he'd felt scared and hurt. He also made a link to the man that raped him in telling me about these three times. He explained this is why he stopped having sex with me.

Since he told me, I have been thinking back to those months, and I remember at at least two times when he was tired after work and I quite playfully (in my mind) got him in the mood so we could have sex. I asked him if this is what he meant, and he said yes. It breaks my heart that what I thought was fun, playful, consensual sex was actually causing him pain and distress He says he has been really angry at himself for not articulating that he didn't want it, but I'm sure, if I'm honest with myself, I could sense something wasn't quite right.

During this time, I was grieving a parental bereavement (December 2013 was when my parent died, and my partner and I started seeing each other in Feb 2014) - so although its not an excuse - I think I was more in my own head than normal, and sex was providing a really important escape. But despite this, I feel awful about what I did. I feel really ashamed and revolted by myself - i have had so much horrible sex myself, and it's taken me a long time to move away from that - so to think I have done this to the person I love most is really awful. I just want to hide away

I don't know how to talk to him, I just want to say sorry. But he says he's forgiven me and that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So I guess I have to sit with this shame, but I don't know what to do with it

I know this is a complicated post, but I just feel quite alone with this and I don't know what to do, so any ideas you have would be so helpful. Thank you.

Hi MxSid,

This does sound like a really tough place for you to be in, and for him to be in as well. The fact that he felt comfortable enough with you to tell you this and explain how it made him feel is brave on his part, and it sounds like you received it without blaming him and, instead, taking responsibility for what happened, which is the most positive way that could have gone (even if it feels emotionally difficult right now).

At this point, you should take your cues on how to behave around this from him. If he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants to move past it, then it's important to respect that boundary. He may change his mind down the road, but right now you can't push him to talk more if he doesn't want to. The same goes for giving him space if he feels like he needs it right now. It sounds like you need a space to process your feelings, and that's understandable, but that space can't be with him. You may want to try finding a counselor or therapist you can talk to where you can have the space you need to talk about your feelings of guilt and shame. Does that make sense?

Yes I totally want to be supportive and respectful without putting any extra pressure on him. Maybe it didn't come across in my message but I am so grateful he told me and aware of how hard it is for him. I hope it didn't seem minimising in my message, I guess I assumed that was obvious but of course it's not.

I can't really get a counsellor ATM cos of £ and the waiting list is 8 months for free here in UK.

I guess I have been trying to think in my head how, for the last 3 years I have been v respectful of his not wanting to have sex and he says he agrees and I have given him space and support around that well. So this makes me feel like I'm not a monster, I just didn't get it right at the start. I think trying to think about it in real terms like that stops my brain from doing like "worst case thinking". But I'm not sure if just doing what I feel is the bare minimum of respecting someone's bodily boundaries can ever cancel something like this out.

While I can understand im not a monster, I still feel so gross and horrible that I made someone I love feel so unhappy around something like sex. I am trying not to talk about it or to show him how im feeling, as he doesn't need a mopey dramatic partner at this time. I just don't know what to do with this shame and anger at myself - and there aren't any articles or resources anywhere about this that feel useful for me. So I'm sort of trying to make it up as I go along... it's hard

Hi MxSid! I hear you on the difficulties of getting into counselling, it's a shitty reality and I'm sorry you have to wait so long.

I'd say the fact that you have been taking responsibility for your actions, and seriously thinking about ways to do better and make amends, is plenty of proof that you are a truly caring and supportive partner. Sometimes people can be less than stellar with totally open communication at the beginning, as we're fumbling our way to discovering what the dynamics are and what communication methods work best in the particular relationship. It really sucks, and it isn't a free pass, but it does happen, and it doesn't make you a monster. Because the fact is that, since then, you HAVE worked on communicating better, and you DO care about your partner's autonomy and safety.

In terms of handling your shame and internalized anger: first steps are to recognise that it's happening, which you've done, and to reach out and share your story, which you've also done! To battle shame, we also have to practice critical awareness -- that is, to fact-check our thinking, to remind ourselves to be realistic in our expectations of ourselves. When we're handling a complex and painful situation like this, we need to be compassionate towards ourselves -- recognise our own humanity and treat ourselves with kindness. Self-criticism is paralysing, so to move forward and do better, we HAVE to learn to treat ourselves with compassion. You're not alone in this, and you're not a terrible person for this.

Since counselling is currently not really available to you, it's important to find support elsewhere so you can continue processing your feelings around this without putting it on your partner. Do you have some close friends that you'd feel comfortable talking to about this? Of course, talking with us here is a part of that, but it's also really helpful to have some in-person support as well