Scarleteen

Hi everyone.

I've had a rough year so far. It feels like a rough life, honestly.

My dad died in a car accident when I was 2. So I'm constantly dealing with that pain and loss, even though I can't remember him at all. So I live with my aunt and uncle (who I refer to as my parents because that's all I've ever known. And they are great.)

My biological mom died in February due to drug abuse. I didn't know her. I can't remember her at all. The last time I saw her was when I was 6.

I had a boyfriend in high school for two years. And he was a terrible person. He moved away a year ago, though. And I'm not really having trouble with getting rid of him. I'm glad he's gone. I do have a bit of trouble coping sometimes though, because I lost my virginity to him. And I feel a lot of guilt from that. Because I told my mom about it, and she acts as though it's something to be very ashamed about.

I've gone out with several new guys since then. Which wasn't bad. A few of them were too handsy though. Which I shut down as soon as it happened because I didn't want to feel that guilt again.

I began a relationship with a new guy in December. And he broke it off that month. Which really upset me, because I liked him a lot. He mended things in January though, so we tried again. It was a little weird because he's 18 and a senior in high school and I'm 19 and a freshmen in college. So we had some social differences and definite maturity differences. I decided to embrace it though, and I even agreed to going to prom with him (which is insane because that is not my social scene at ALL). I spent a lot of money for his prom, which sounds shallow, but I really needed that money. Because I don't have a job right now (I spent $800 on a dress, and other things like nails and such). And he broke up with me that night. Over the phone. He told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. That honestly broke me a little. Because I thought everything was great. That was about 3 weeks ago.

The week before he broke things off, I met a guy on Facebook. He is 23. We've been friends since August of 2016 but we really hit it off during that last week. And it turns out we had a lot in common. (His mom died when he was young as well, and we have a lot of the same emotional issues). We bonded very quickly. And our relationship went from Facebook chat to texting, and from texting to video chat. We stayed awake until 3am every night on video. Most of the time it was us crying to each other, and helping each other through emotional trauma. Which was amazing, because I had never experienced something like that with anyone else. He was going through a hard time because he had just ended things with his girlfriend of 8 years. So we were in the clear to flirt and be insanely "in love" for a whole month. We met in person last Friday. And it was bliss. My mom walked in on us making out though (and I didn't have a shirt on which definitely made things even more awkward). And I've been dealing with that grief all week. She keeps reminding me how stupid that was because I had just met him, and how she doesn't want me to have a reputation for that. That Sunday, he told me he was mending things with his girlfriend. And my heart has never been so broken. I've had a very hard time dealing with it. We still text every day but it isn't the same. And he wants me to hate him but I can't. It's all very sad. And my mom is using this as a lesson as to why I shouldn't trust any guy (basically).

My family is also moving out of our house soon. We are building a new one. We are having some financial issues, which made me bring up the topic of me maybe getting a job and moving out to support myself. My mom instantly took this and thought it meant I wanted to move out so I could then have sex with whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. Which is not true at all. I would like freedom, but not in that sense. She's making it very hard to be independent.

This morning she came in my room and told me to get out of bed because I am depressed and I need to get help. And I need to get up and help clean because we are moving. And I'm useless and I need to get my life together. And I'm starting to believe it.

I'm just having a very hard time. And I'm very emotional all the time. And I just need some friends. And some support. Thank you all.

Hi Kindascared,

There's a ton of stuff going on her for you, so it's no wonder that you're feeling down and emotional. You're dealing with a lot of big things all at once, and it doesn't sound like you're getting much support in dealing with them.

With dating and relationships, plenty of people have a few dates or interactions with someone and then decide they don't want to continue that relationship. But that can be a tricky reality to deal with if you're someone who is more invested in the relationship than they are. It sounds like you get very emotionally invested in romantic relationships very quickly. That's certainly understandable, but it can be really easy to mistake the "new relationship so fun" signals in your brain as a sign that the relationship is meant to last. Too, with the most recent guy, he had just gotten out of a long term relationship. While I'm not saying relationships that start right after one person has gone through a huge break-up can't work, they're generally not the best idea. If someone is jumping from relationship to relationship without taking time to self-reflect or be unattached, they often end up repeating mistakes.

I'm wondering, what kinds of conversations do you and the guys you start seeing have about expectations and boundaries of the relationship? Do you talk about the level of commitment or whether you see things as short of long-term?

About the way your mom is acting: it seems like she's putting a lot of judgement on your choices and showing you that she doesn't trust you (a legal adult) to do things like live on your own. Has she had similar reactions to other things that happened in the past, or does this feel like a new behavior for her? You said she told you you need to "get help." Has she offered to help you find a counselor or therapist? Is that something you feel comfortable doing on your own?