Scarleteen

Is there a difference between romantic and sexual attraction? I've seen a few people post about sexual v romantic orientation and had a bit of difficulty distinguishing the two; they seem so intertwined and some people define sexual orientation as not just sexual attraction but also romantic. At the same time I feel like yheee are some marked differences between sexual and romantic feelings; sexual seems more physical (i.e. engaging in sexual acts) whereas romantic has to do more with the interpersonal relationship. This is a pretty individualized question and I probably won't get a straight answer, but I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on the topic.

From what I've noticed in talking with people and seeing how various folks write about these feelings, it seems like the answer here in terms of what the difference is (if there is one at all) is going to vary wildly from person to person. In fact, I've had people describe "romantic attraction" in a way that was identical to what I would call a very close friendship; clearly the way folks define these attributes is pretty personal and not universal.

You could potentially break things down into "desire for emotional intimacy" vs. "desire for physical intimacy" but I don't think everyone's going to feel a huge distinction between the two. Thoughts like "this emotional connection makes me want to be sexual with you" and "being sexual with you deepens our emotional intimacy" might feel very similar, depending on the person.

It may also be a less helpful distinction for people who tend to feel sexual attraction for anyone they're romantically attracted to. I've mostly seen discussion of a marked difference between romantic/sexual attraction from folks who id as asexual/aromantic, or who might feel sexually attracted to a gender they aren't romantically attracted to, or vice versa.

I realize this answer is mostly "I don't know!" but I don't think there's a universal answer here. For some, there is obviously a marked difference, but other people might not feel one, or might not feel enough of one to put a lot of thought into it. And either way's a totally fine way to think about things.

That's kind of where I'm at now. I feel like sexuality and romanticism are very closely connected, but I know for some people it isn't (mostly, like you said, someone who is asexual/aromantic but has a sexuality/romantic attraction). The human experience really is quite diverse; I'm really starting to realize that I can't perfectly define the definition of various attractions people experience - sexual, romantic, platonic, aesthetic, etc. I wonder if this is the problem people run into with discrimination. We expected everyone to experience the same attraction as we do and if they don't, there's something "wrong" with them when that's not true at all.

It makes me think a bit of asking people how they define "love" as a concept - people might have a good sense of what it is, or when they're feeling it, but that doesn't mean they can easily explain it to someone else, and different people will often have different ways of describing or explaining it. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to ask for clarification if it sounds like someone's working with a definition that we aren't familiar with.