Sexual identity

[Jordan5678]

I'm a 16 year old girl, I'm confused about my sexuality. I find it hard not to know the answer to this, and I need to get an answer.
I've had experience with girls and boys. Recently I had a fling with a girl which made me more physically and emotionally attracted to girls, and less with boys for some reason.
Most of my friends are gay, bi etc, and i feel if I come out or ask someone about this, they are going to think I am following the crowd or just copying them which is the reason why I can't ask them. My parents will think the same. I feel attracted to both the same and the opposite gender but I'm not 100% sure.

[thewrit3r]

Hi, Jordan!

The wonderful thing about sexuality is that it's fluid. I dare say most people do not fit perfectly into one sexuality category - completely straight, completely gay, etc. Our sexuality changes overtime and for some people, that could mean their sexuality itself changes. Not knowing which you fit in seems to be causing you a lot of anxiety. As humans we like to have labels. We like to know exactly what things are. But the thing about life is that so many things are not set in stone. Things change over time, your meaning towards things change over time, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you don't know yourself, but simply are exploring another aspect of who you are.

One thing I think would help is to know that your sexual identity is personal and is defined by you. No one can tell you what your sexuality is but you. You can choose your label (or not to have a label) whatever feels comfortable for you. And if you are attracted to more than one gender (i.e. bisexual, pansexual, etc.) that doesn't necessarily mean you are attracted to each personally equally or even on the same level. It could simply mean that you prefer girls over boys. Notice I said prefer. That doesn't necessarily mean you're not into boys. For a silly but similar food example, I like chips and fries. I might prefer fries over chips, but that doesn't mean I don't like chips, I just have preferences. Does that make sense?

I don't know if this would help, but I do have a slightly similar experience. I used to consider myself straight until around my teen years. Then I started feeling attracted to women. I was really confused like you were, but over time I learned to accept the fluidity of my sexuality and that I could be bisexual (my personal sexuality preference, but of course there are many sexualities concerning multiple genders other than bisexuality) but whatever it was it was just another aspect of who I was, nothing I could change, and it was okay. Plus, think of it this way - is your sexual orientation going to change who you are as a person? Sure, it'll affect dating, but you'll still be you. No matter what relationship you're in, you'll still act the same way you did no matter what your sexuality is. It is an important aspect of your life, but it is only one aspect of your life. You are a layered human being, and at the end of the day, whoever you're sexually attracted to isn't going to change who you are and it definitely shouldn't change how people view you.

I don't think you have to worry about being seen as "following the crowd", unless your friends are super judgmental and in that case, I would consider getting new friends. As far as your family, they may be still holding onto prejudices towards various sexualities, and while unfortunately you're stuck with your family until a certain age, that doesn't mean you can't limit your time with them, especially if they're being super judgy about your sexuality. I don't know why you would be writing on here if you were simply "following the crowd" and didn't truly wonder about your sexual orientation. I honestly believe that, thanks to the LGBT movement to make themselves known and heard, it has opened everyone's eyes to the fact that there are a multitude of sexualities that people have and, since most people likely don't fit into one or the other, we're startling to realize that our sexuality may be more fluid than we realized and are more comfortable exploring it. I wouldn't consider that following the crowd but simply questioning one's preconceived notions about sexuality to see what they truly believe now that their eyes have been opened.

I hope some of that helped. I know I'm not one of the staff members but perhaps you can find some solace in knowing that a lot of us have been where you are, we're just as confused as you are, and that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. The world's still spinning, and we're still living!

[Mo]

Hi Jordan, welcome to Scarleteen.
I think thewrit3r has a lot of good comments above and I wanted to throw out some thoughts of my own as well.

First off, you're the best expert on your own feelings of attraction. As noted above, being bisexual doesn't mean "I am attracted to same-gendered and differently-gendered people in exactly the same way, the same amount all the time." And in fact, I think if you asked a lot of self-identified bisexual people about their attraction patterns, many of them would probably reveal some preferences, either in general or over time. It's really common for people to have fluctuations in who they're attracted to. It's certainly something I've noticed myself, as a bisexual person! I can't tell you if or how things might change for you in the future, but it's fine to use whatever terminology feels right to you now, based on how you're feeling currently. It's all about what you feel makes sense to call yourself - no one else has the right to tell you what your orientation "really" is. This is also why some folks really like self-identifying as "queer" as an umbrella term that can encompass a wide spectrum of orientations; it takes some of the pressure off and lets you get a general idea across without having to pin down exactly who you're feeling drawn to right now.

There are people who accuse folks who come out - sometimes whether they already have a friends group or community with other people of a similar identity or not - as doing it "for attention" or "to fit in," and while I know those people exist I find myself eternally baffled by them. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me! I think it's a lot more likely for the people who say those things to be straight folks who don't have a lot of experience with queer culture or communities.
Because in my experience, it's very common for a lot of people in a larger social group to come out in waves, not because anyone's copying anyone else but because they've crafted a space where it's ok to be open about one's identity, or have conversations about desire and attraction that can solidify one's thoughts about orientation, etc. If your parents start giving you "you're confused" or "you're trying to fit in" type responses, you might try pointing them towards PFLAG as a good resource that can help them respond in a more positive and supportive way.