advice on starting a sexual relationship with my long-distance bf?

[macaroni]

i've been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 8 months now, and so far, it's been very healthy and we communicate with each other on any problems we may have with the relationship and find a solution to those problems. there's one problem i haven't talked to him about, though: me wanting to have sexual relations with him, or the closest thing to that when he's so far away.

i've honestly been thinking about it for several months now, but i've stifled any fantasies about him that may arise when i'm masturbating and have never talked about it with him due to me feeling guilty about it. we're both only 15, and i feel disgusting for even coming close to having dirty thoughts about him when we're that young.

i'm also scared of him being either terrified or angry, and rudely instead of politely rejecting it or even breaking up with me entirely, if i ever told him about it. we've talked about our fetishes and past sexual (masturbation, we're both virgins) experiences before, but it was mostly in a joking manner, and we haven't talked at all about a sexual relationship with each other, so i'm not entirely certain what he'll think of it. he also has very conservative and strict parents who sometimes look through his phone and have a tracking device on the family computer so they can look at what he's doing online whenever they want to, so he might freak out at the thought of trying to do something like that behind his parents' back.

i'd be ok if he said no to doing anything sexual with me, as i still love him very much, but lately, i've been getting more and more sexually frustrated due to all of my other fantasies and fetishes paling in comparison to the thought of him. does anyone have any advice on 1. how to stop feeling guilty about my sexual thoughts towards him, and 2. how to bring up the possibility of a sexual relationship with him? thanks in advance.

[Karyn]

Hi macaroni, and welcome to the boards.

If it helps to hear, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to express your sexuality with a partner: that's something that most people experience, often starting at around the age you are now, and it's not at all disgusting, not in the slightest. Do you have any idea where you might have gotten the idea that wanting to be sexual with someone else (especially as a young person) is disgusting or wrong?

As for bringing up the topic of sex with your boyfriend, it's definitely something you'll want to approach thoughtfully and with a bit of caution given that his parents monitor his computer and phone use, but that doesn't mean you can't bring it up at all. Do you have any way to get in touch with him that wouldn't be seen by his parents? How do you normally communicate with him?

[macaroni]

sorry for not seeing your response earlier, i didn't realize that notifications didn't notify when someone responds on your thread.

i'm not entirely certain where the idea started, but there's a possibility that at least part of it is rooted in hearing my mom talk about sexual things in front of me and my sister, especially stories about how she got around with tons of guys when she was about my age, and her constantly warning us to do it when we're older and such. i also feel like a terrible person a lot more frequently than i should, and having any thoughts that i don't see as "pure" (once again, probably thanks to my mom) make me feel even more terrible. it's very comforting to hear that i'm not the only person my age who has these thoughts though, thank you very much.

i almost always communicate with him via the instant messaging system on tumblr, and now that i think about it, i think that his parents look through his actual texts more than his apps. i also noticed at one point that you can actually delete conversations you have and then start a new one, so that'd be an easy way to erase evidence if it's ever needed.

thank you so so much again for making me feel a little more confident about bringing up the subject with him. i'm still gonna need some time to work up the courage to do it, but this is certainly a step in the right direction.

[Mo]

Maybe one first step you could take in opening up this conversation would be to ask what the best way would be to communicate privately. That might be tumblr messaging, or being really careful to delete texts, etc. but making sure you have that safe space to have any sort of sexual conversation is a good step, and just saying "I want a space where we know we can speak privately" could be an opening to talking about sex (or just talking about talking about sex, in the future).