I'm confused about myself

[Lilyprincess]

Um, hi. I am new and unsure if I should even write this but I still will. Well, here goes. I will be honest and say that I am confused about myself and who I like. I mean, I know I like boys, that's definitely a fact. But then girls? Okay so I'm convincing myself that I only like boys but I keep having this feeling in the back of my mind that that might not just be the case. I'm gonna tell you something that I refused to think about. Back in the 7th grade, I liked this girl who I'll say is Fate. Fate was my friend in the 6th grade and she was really fun to be around. Then, completely unexpectedly out of completely nowhere, in 7th grade, I started liking her. It happened in October and it was so random. I was just in my room and then her face popped in my mind and I started blushing. Then my mind was like, 'You like her, you like her' and I fought back those thoughts. I even played some games to see if it was true. I would take a sock and if I got it in my basket, I liked her, if not, I didn't. Despite the fact that I never got it in, I still kept playing.
Eventually, I told myself, fine I like her. When I saw her the next day and was completely red in the face and my heart was fluttering. A long while later I couldn't take holding it in anymore and I blurted out that I liked someone. Then she got super curious and wanted very much to know who it was. I should also mention that I only got to see her on the bus. Well she wanted to talk outside since we lived near each other, and she kept asking and begging me to tell her who it was and I liked how persistent she was. Eventually, I did tell her, she was surprised a bit at first but she was cool with it. But for some reason, I wanted more than for her to be just cool with it. I should mention also that she told me she was bi which is why I considered telling her in the first place. So I wanted more but I didn't know what I wanted. Then I eventually started loving her, I still think it was infatuation, it was bad. Especially since she became more depressed over the months and it worried me. She wouldn't even talk to me that much anymore. The year ended badly, the whole year itself was terrible for me though. I should say I cried a lot because of how much I thought I loved her. Every time she wasn't in school I would cry the whole day, it was insane. Then I had to move that summer and I was completely depressed and crying the whole time. I didn't get over her until the first half of 8th grade. But when I did I was onto liking boys. Lots of them. And I never loved another girl again. I think it was because I was sure liking girls was a one-time thing for me which is why I still called myself straight.
Until 10th grade came and during that year, I began thinking about it again. I was watching a lot of LGBT films and taking the quizzes but I just told myself it was because it was interesting to watch. And the quizzes were just for fun. Then the next girl came named for here, unfate. I began to have a thing for her, my biggest mistake ever! I mean like EVER! I'm not sure why I started liking unfate. Maybe because I found out she was a lesbian. I knew her way back in 5th grade and she came to the school I was in. At first, I thought she didn't like me, then we became friends then I started liking her. I didn't admit it at all to myself but I just let it happen. Eventually, I started writing poems about it but I still didn't admit it to myself. Not out loud anyway. Then the worst day of my life came and I messaged her on Facebook. She told me she didn't have Messenger anymore so I took that as an opportunity to express my feelings without actually telling her even though it was on her chat. I messaged everything I felt inside, even saying I love her and I want to make her happy. Then she actually saw it and I freaked and erased the whole thing. But it was too late. She'd already seen it. I was screwed. She messaged back being awful nice saying it was sweet but she has a girlfriend and she only thinks of me as her friend. I quickly told her that it was fake and I was just practicing my confession skills.
After that day, everything had changed. She no longer talked to me like she used to until she no longer talked to me at all. This put me in a state of paranoia and I became so stressed worrying that it was all my fault and how I could fix it. There was nothing I could do. I was so stressed. So stressed that one day when I was blaming myself, I had a piece of paper towel in my hand. I knew what would happen if I rubbed it on my face so I decided that I'd punish myself by rubbing it the paper towel on my face fast and vigorously. It made a huge scar and people were worried but I was still paranoid. I tried to talk to her on facebook but she would no longer answer me. I was way too scared to talk to her in real life. That was a terrible year for me. I asked her on fb why we didn't talk anymore and she said she can't give me all her attention. I knew at that point that everything was over between us. Though she kept saying we were, I knew we were no longer friends. I couldn't live with that for a while seeing as how I believed it was all my fault. So that was another girl crush gone horribly wrong.
After those two experiences, I really don't want to like girls anymore. I mean, I know it won't happen again, I'm very positive of that, but I just don't want to go through all of that again. It is too much stress for me. Also, I really don't think that I could be any of those things because first, I would NEVER tell my family members for a bazillion reasons, and second, I just don't believe any girl would ever like me. I am so not pretty or even decent looking in any way. I hate myself and the way I look, I can't look in the mirror, and people, including my family members, agree. I'm not a datable girl. I've never had a boyfriend in my life. And those two girls I like didn't find me appealing either. Even the single one. Whatever. I just don't think anyone would want to date me. Especially not girls.
Anyways, confused is what I am about myself. I say I won't like another girl but then it happens. But that was like 3 years later after liking a buttload of boys. Does it sound like I'm something? I hope not. That's scary to me. But I'm gonna be completely honest with you, it also sounds kind of exciting. I'm sure that doesn't mean anything, though. Thanks for listening

[Sam W]

Hi Lilyprincess,

There's a lot to talk about here, so I'll start out by saying this: it's ultimately up to you to decide how you identify. No one else can, and no one else gets to, make that call for you. That being said, the feelings you've had match what most people would consider bisexuality or pansexuality. When you think about identifying that way, separate from thinking about whether you'd ever date a girl or the past troubles with girls you've been attracted to, how do you feel?

Why do you think girls in particular would not be interested in dating you? I also wonder, is there anyone in your life right now, like a friend, who tells you you're awesome and someone would be lucky to date you? Or are you surrounded by negative voices?

If you feel comfortable telling me, why do you not like the way you look (aside from your family unhelpfully telling you that you're not attractive)?

[Lilyprincess]

Hi! Thanks for getting back to me.
I do not have any friends at all. No one really cares about me. I am very insecure and I just think me as a person is someone no one would find attractive. I just hate looking at myself really. So the thought of a girl or anyone liking me back sounds impossible to me. I also don't understand how I could like girls. I've been straight for so long and then it just randomly happens. I just don't understand that. But yeah, I wish I had a friend or someone to talk to, though I would never consider telling them about how I feel. Now that I think about the second girl that I liked, I think I know why I started liking her. She always told me I was beautiful when I was doubting it. And I told her about my mom's creepy friend and she always said she wanted to beat him up for me. She said she'd beat up anyone who wanted to try and hurt me. I think I liked when she told me those things and it ended up making my stomach flutter. I've always liked when a guy said to someone they love that they'll protect her and that she's beautiful. No one's ever said those things to me, ever, so I guess I started liking her because of it. But I'm not sure why I liked the first girl. Really, I'm not, that one's completely random. A while back I asked this counselor in a subtle way if it's good to push back thoughts of liking the same gender. She told me if you do then it will stress you out and you'll be unhappy. I dunno, I guess I'm worried now because I think that's what I'm doing.

Anyways, thanks for listening again.

[Sam W]

It sounds like maybe one step in this whole process of figuring things out is to try building a social circle for yourself. Are you involved in any activities right now that help you meet people who share your interests?

You might also find it helpful to look into the body positivity movement. You sound really down on your body and your looks, and unlearning some of those feelings can go a long way towards making you feel better about yourself. Would you like some reading and resources on that subject?

Sexual attraction is a weird little beast. It's not nearly as predictable or consistent as we may want it to be. For a lot of people who are bisexual or pansexual, they won't experience attraction to each gender in the same amount. For example, your attraction seems to lean towards men, with the occasional woman catching your eye. For other people it's exactly the opposite. So there's nothing wrong or bad about the attraction pattern you're experiencing. Does that make sense?

I agree with your counselor that trying to bury thoughts or feelings generally backfires (although you're not doomed forever if you bury them for a little bit. Plenty of people bounce back from that). But right now it sounds like your feelings about your attraction patterns are tangled up in a lot of other stuff, which is going to make them harder to bury. It's better in the long run to accept your attraction and tease out where the urge to bury it is coming from. Are you still seeing this counselor?

[thewrit3r]

I just wanted to add to what Sam said, that sexuality can be fluid. I was pretty sure I was straight, but I have wondered if I was attracted to women in the past. I still would identify as straight but I do feel attracted to women - it's just not the same as my attraction to men. And while I don't think it's sexual it could always change. So maybe you were only attracted to men at a time but now that's changed. Perhaps like Sam said, you feel more attraction to men than women but it's still possible for you to be attracted to women. Your sexuality can change overtime and it doesn't mean you don't know yourself, you're simply exploring another part of you.

I also think it would be a good idea to keep speaking with a counselor. From what you wrote about your experiences it really affected you emotionally, and sometimes some people are more sensitive than others and may need extra help working out their feelings. I have a mood disorder but I'm also just a more emotional person, and counseling has helped me deal with some of those feelings.

[Lilyprincess]

Hi, thanks for your answers!
Um, I should say that I don't feel comfortable at all talking with a counselor. That lady back then, I didn't directly tell her it was me, I told her it was a friend and I needed help with her. I'm scared of talking with adults because I know they always end up telling my mom and the last thing I want is for her to find out. And that lady, I haven't seen her since the beginning of 10th grade. I want to say, that I'm really scared and unable to tell other people about this. I can't talk about all of this out loud. I try to say it but the words never come out. It's even worse with people. It's easier to write it down. Well, only if I know no one will see it or it's to someone I don't know who I'll never see, hence why I'm writing it on here. I don't know why but I just can't say it out loud. I don't know if it's because I'm scared of judgement or that things will be different between the person and me. Like when if I were to tell them, afterward I would feel completely awkward and I'll regret saying anything. Then that feeling that I always get when I tell someone something personal will come in my stomach, it's an unsettling feeling and I hate it. I know this because one time way back in 7th grade, I actually told one of my good friends about me liking a girl and all those things happened. I never told anyone again. I just can't get those words out and it'd be even harder talking to others about.
Really there is no one I can talk to about it because, like I said, I'm all alone. I don't have anyone I can trust at all. Expanding my social circle is useless since no one talks to me anyways and I'm too shy to talk to anyone.

It actually feels good to get feedback at something I haven't talked to anyone about. Not even myself. I want to see if I can let out what I feel on here and you can tell me what you think. I feel at ease knowing that you don't know who I am. I feel like I can admit things more. And it doesn't sound like any of you judge. I'll go for it.

I am a pretty weird girl. I didn't know what porn was but I was watching it in the first year of 6th grade, I stayed back twice. I saw my cousin watching something like it so I did too. I never watched straight porn, I only watched lesbian porn. And I happen to remember liking it. It made me feel weird but in a strangely good way. And then I dreamed about it. I thought it was normal so I just kept doing it. I stopped in my second year of 6th grade and didn't watch it again. Then I forgot about doing it at all until 10th grade. In 7th grade, I only had one girl on my mind and no one else. In 10th grade, I only had one girl too but I started actually commenting on how pretty other girls are. Sometimes I would even stare for long amounts of times at a girl in a magazine, wondering things like 'I wonder if she's nice' and 'She's really pretty but I want to know what she's like' until I realized what I was doing and threw the magazine at my wall.Sometimes I dream about meeting a girl in school who'd actually take interest in me and we'd hang out and laugh together until we fell in love and had babies and live happily ever after, like all my romance dreams are about, then I would pretend I never dreamed it in the first place. The second girl I told you about, even though we're no longer friends and she hurt me to the point of paranoia and heartbreak, I still dream about her and what would happen if things were different. I saw the first girl again and my heart was storming with butterflies and I'd never been so happy. Though it's not good to start feeling anything for her again.

Knowing all of this, knowing that all of this happen, I still won't admit to myself out loud or in my head that somethings going on with me. I call myself crazy for even thinking something is. I deny it all the time and now I don't even think when I do. I just do. Writing all of this now, the whole time my brain has been saying, this is all for someone else, I'm only writing this because I just want to know for if someone needs help on this and I can give them advice, It's not for me at all. My brain keeps telling me that every time I think or write about it. I don't understand why, but it annoys me. But also it makes me feel relieved that I might still be the same as I have been for the past three years and I'm scared of change. What would happen if that actually was the case? Would everyone hate me? I lost a friend because of it. I know my family would hate it if that was the case, especially my grandma. Would a girl even want to date me? Most likely no because I'm too ugly to date anyone. No point if no one even wants to be with me. I don't want anyone to hate me or look at me differently, especially since they know I like guys.

One more thing. I've noticed that in the schools I've been in, there was always this one girl who accused me of being a lesbian. They would tell their friends and they would start calling me that. It was strange because in no way have I ever even shown any signs that I was into girls. I don't stare at any of them. It just ends up happening. I don't understand that either. I just wanted to bring that up because it was strange.
Thanks for listening again. It'd be super cool if you could help me more with this seeing as I feel kind of comfortable doing it this way instead of face to face.

[thewrit3r]

I'm really sorry you're having a hard time finding support from people in your life. If you could truly talk to someone without judgement I think that would lift a huge weight off your shoulders. Support systems are really important in life, and while I know you've had bad experiences, I still believe there's someone out there who can really be there for you. I am glad that you've found help here, though, so that's a start.

You mentioned the adults you talked to always told your mom so that's why you ding tell them anymore. Honestly, people shouldn't tell others what you said to them if it's something you're not comfortable with or said was confidential, so I'd definitely not talk to those people again if they didn't respect your privacy. As far as with counselors, they are obligated to keep what you say to them confidential; if they don't, they're not a good counselor. The only exception is if you're a danger to yourself or someone else. I know you're not interested in talking to someone but it may be something to consider in the future. I say that because I notice you've been saying negative things about yourself being unattractive, which I honestly don't believe, but how you see yourself is very important and I think it's affecting how you feel about yourself and your relationships. And while we can give you advice we're not counselors and we don't have expertise in the field. Obviously you can still keep talking to us especially if it's helping, but I'm not sure I (at least) am capable of giving you the kind of help you're looking for.

I'm sorry you don't feel that your family would be supportive. Have they said anything homophobic? I'm guessing you get that vibe from them because they either outright said something or are not the kinds of people open to people different than them, though it could be both. It would be really nice if you could find an GLBT+ group on campus or somewhere else, because I'm sure they'd be more likely to be open since many of them will have similar experiences to you. If not, have you found any online communities? I think it would be super helpful if you could find others to talk to who know what you're going through; it will make you feel less alone and you'll probably get some good advice from people who've actually been there or are there.

I was homeschooled so maybe this is an unfortunate form of bullying, but I'm pretty surprised you said a girl called you a lesbian as an insult. I don't get how that's an insult? I mean outing people is rude (not that you're a lesbian) but there's nothing wrong with anyone's sexuality. I'm guessing this girl doesn't know any gay people in her life or something. Some people are really immature; thankfully, I see you're about 17 now so eventually you'll be fine with high school and I think you'll find that people tend to mature afterwards (not everyone, but most people). As to why they did it I don't know; they may have thought you weren't really interested in guys or something but it doesn't really matter why they thought it. Lesbian is not an insult and I think that said a lot more about the person who said it than you.