Bi-curious, in a relationship with a man, never been with a woman

[biversity]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. I've only been in heterosexual relationships in my life, but have been curious about women since I started masturbating (age 11). I often fantasize about women, but I also do this about men. I've been through some bad experiences with men in the last two years, so I have been recently more weary of men. But, the man I am with now is amazing and respectful. The problem is that I am confused about what to do because I find myself so curious about being with a woman that I've thought about it during sex. I also masturbate to women a lot. But, I know that I am very attracted to men as well, and very very attracted to my boyfriend still. I am not worried about losing this attraction as much as I am worried about how distracted I get during sex. I sort of feel like I'm living a lie, but I don't feel guilty. Just curious. I have always wanted to experience being with a woman as I feel strongly that it would feel natural to me. But, I always find myself in relationships with men. I am confused about how to be open about this. I've blatantly mentioned the fact that I may be bisexual, but he seems to avoid talking about it. I think it makes him feel bad, so I never push the conversation. What can I do to honor who I truly am while I continue to nourish my love with this man? I am confused and sometimes feel stuck. It just feels weird to know that I need to eventually try with a woman, so this obviously will affect my relationship. I do see a future with my current boyfriend though. Help!

[thewrit3r]

Hi, biversity (love the username)! Welcome to Scarleteen! I'm not an admin nor have I been here as long as some people, but I've found my way around the ropes and hopefully I can give you some helpful advice!


It sounds like you're really worried about your sexual desires interfering with your relationship with your boyfriend. That is understandable. I would like to note that a lot of people fantasize about experiences they wouldn't engage in real life. I'm not saying you would never want to be with a woman, but it doesn't sound like you'd do that while you're in a relationship.

You said you feel like you need to try women eventually. Is this more out of curiosity or are you interested in a relationship with a woman? I ask that because you also mentioned that you see a future with your boyfriend. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you are feeling sexual desire for women but not necessarily the sexual AND romantic desire you feel for your boyfriend. It's undedstandable, since you haven't been in a relationship with a woman before and you are attracted to multiple genders. Regardless of sexual orientation, people are oftne attracted to other people even when they're in relationships; gowece, they usually don't end up cheating on their partner. And it sounds like that is not something you want to do; you're curious about being with another woman but you would never want to do anything to hurt your boyfriend.

I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to speak to your boyfriend about what you're feeling. You mentioned he seemed uncomfortable when you mentioned possibly being bisexual. Perhaps you could ask him about his response - in a way that doesn't sound accusatory, of course, using "I" instead of "you" statements. Many people have misconceptions about bisexuality, one of them being that every bisexual is attracted to every man and women and will therefore cheat on their partner. I'm not saying this is what your boyfriend thought, but it is possible that he does hold some misconceptions about bisexuality. I'm curious - the first time you mentioned bisexuality, was it before or after the relationship? If it was the matter, he may have been surprised to find out, not that it should change the relationship, but it could have possibly come as a shock to him, especially if he's only been with women in the past. I do feel like, if you can see a future with your boyfriend, you are close enough to be honest with one another.

You may also want to speak with another person you trust on this issue, like a counselor, friend, parent, etc. Having a sort of outside perspective may be helpful while also receiving advice from a supportive person. Are you apart of any LGBT+ support group, or do you have any LGBT+ friends? That would be a great place to speak with another outside perspective but also people who can personally understand where you're coming from.

I hope some of what I wrote helped! Please feel free to update us on how things are going if you'd like

[biversity]

Thank you for your reply!

It was very helpful. To start, I have no found a stable form of support in terms of an lgbtq+ group or even friend group. I do have many friends part of this community and luckily I live in a place where this is abundant.

In regards to sexual desire vs relationships. I can definitely see myself in a relationship with a woman. This feeling only became apparent in the last couple of years. I believe that I could be with many different genders and I'm attracted to lots of types of people. I think my confusion stems from being in my 20s (hope this is ok on this site) and knowing that this is the time to explore, yet I am in my most serious relationship yet and it is with a very certainly heterosexual person yet.

I would totally benefit from a support group and I've actually been looking into that. I also have some amazing friends that I am trying to reach out to more. I'm mainly afraid to hurt the one I love, but I do think this conversation is bound to come up. I wonder if I am leaning towards women (besides him) at the moment because of my trauma/sexual trauma with men in my recent years.

Thank you for all your advice and I am super open to more advice if you have any!

[thewrit3r]

I'm glad some of what I said helped!

Okay, so what I'm getting at is that you are attracted to both men and women, but you've never been in a relationship with a woman, and you are interested in being with a woman. You also have had some negative/abusive experiences with men, so you are wondering if that is affecting you.

For the first part, I think it would be good if you spent some time reflecting on your relationship. Perhaps while you love your boyfriend, you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with him right now. Many people like to explore, not to hurt someone but because they are generally curious. Do you think there would come a time where you would have a sexual experience with someone else while you're with your boyfriend? That is something to consider if you are feeling a pull to be with another person right now.

At the same time, though, you said it was a serious relationship. Perhaps, since you are realizing that you are also attracted to women, you feel like you may have missed out on an experience and would like to try to be with a woman. You've already been with men before your current boyfriend but you haven't been with a woman yet. And you are attracted to women. Yet you do not want to hurt your boyfriend. We cannot really help our attraction to people, but we can control are actions, what we do.

I am not sure exactly what to do in this situation, but you may want to speak to a counselor - specifically, a counselor who specializes in relationships. They could help you work out your feelings and figure out what you would like to do, how to move this relationship forward (or not), and things that can help you figure out what you want. If you are in college, you likely have access to counselors, but if not, they are usually not too hard to find, and if money is a factor, there are some low-income counseling places around. I don't know if they do any counseling, but I believe Planned Parenthood may deal with relationship issues so you may want to look into that to see if they have anything that can help you. Depending on how you feel, you may want to look into couple's counseling for you and your boyfriend.

A counselor might be a good idea for other things, too, such as the abuse you mentioned. A lot of times these issues can go unresolved and we need someone else to help us work through it. I know that is something that would be difficult, but it's something I would consider, and it would likely clarify whether your feelings for women are growing because of your experiences with men in the past or that is just how your sexual orientation happens to be at the moment (sexuality can be very fluid, as I'm sure you've experienced.

Speaking of your boyfriend, how does he feel about your orientation? You said that he didn't seem all that comfortable when you discussed possibly being bisexual. And you added that he's a "very heterosexual person". Do you feel like he is not as open to various sexual orientations? And if so, do you think it may be because this is not something he has had personal experience with? This may all be new to him, and since you said he is very straight, maybe he has only been with women who were straight/mostly straight or he assumed were straight. Maybe he is having a difficult time understanding how you personally feel if he has not been able to relate and that is what's making him uncomfortable. I would still suggest speaking to him since we don't know what he's thinking and the easiest way to find out, of course, is to ask! I'm sure he'd appreciate the effort on your part to open up more honesty and trust in the relationship. If nothing else, this should help your relationship grow if you truly feel that you and he have a future together someday.

Whatever you decide to do, take time to consider your choices and what feels right for you. It may take a while and speaking to several different people, but in the end you'll have made an informed decision that feels right for you.

Again, I'm glad some of what I said helped, and I hope everything works out for you! Please feel free to let me know again how things go if you need anymore help or would just like to update me on what's going on

[Jacob]

Hi biversity!

I would just reiterate what thewrit3r said about your boyfriends attitude. That seems to be central here!

Maybe the general conundrum of being bi in a hetronormative world is real, but asking what in this relationship is working for you or not, could be a good step forward?

Acceptance for who we are is a pretty big deal when it comes to relationships so I'd totally recommend going down the route of finding out if his answer is what you need it to be.

I'll also say that if you feel like you'd like to focus on recovery, there is the third option of dating no-one! It's not a straight choice between men and women, there's also 'Everything Else', 'Nothing for now', 'I'll think about it' and 'Lets find out'... depending on how you're feeling.

[biversity]

Thank you both for your replies.

I appreciate the assertion of the possibility that maybe I shouldn't be with anyone at the time. I do think about this at times, and it may become a reality at some point in the next year or two. For now, I am very happy in my relationship, but I do see a need to be completely open with my boyfriend about my feelings.

I think that a combination of recovery with support and being more open with my boyfriend will help me through this and make me feel more authentic as myself. It truly is just the feeling of not truly being myself that holds me back from being happy at times. Overall, I am thankful that the person I am with is someone that I can imagine having these conversations with. I feel this opportunity coming soon and all I can do is hope for the best, and I know that if it offends anyone, then the result will be what's best for me.

Thank you both again for your input! It really helped and confirmed my own views on the situation.

[Mo]

I wish you the best in talking with your boyfriend, whatever shape that conversation has. It sounds like being open about your sexuality will be a positive move for you, so I hope it goes well!
You mentioned being interested in local support groups; if that's something you'd like any help finding, let us know!

[thewrit3r]

Just seconding what Mo said, but best of luck with your conversation with your boyfriend and everything else going on! I hope everything works out well for you