I don't feel anything during sex

[Pineapplepeach]

I am a 20 year old girl, and I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 5 years. It has only dawned on me recently that I never orgasmed through sex, and pretty much didn't feel much pleasure 'down there' at all. He is only boy I have slept with (I was 16 when I lost my virginity to him (neither of us had been with other people sexually and the first time we did anything he just stuck two fingers in my vagina and kept going - which really hurt) and whilst I love him very much and physically enjoy the act of sex and intimacy with him, it just doesn't seem to get me even close to orgasm. We never really spent much time on foreplay, and he usually never lasts very long but we finish when he finishes and I just thought that this was normal. My sex education was quite poor, only the one or two lessons throughout school on how to put a condom on a cucumber! In my family we don't ever talk about sex and I never felt I could even tell my mum I had lost my virginity! I had never masturbated or even felt the urge to (I thought it was disgusting) until the last month when I confided in some girlfriends and they were shocked to find I hadn't, and also that I wasn't sure where my clitoris was or if my boyfriend had played with it before. As we are both at uni in Sheffield and Bristol now, it has become difficult to see each other, but the one time that I saw him after I had masturbated I just wasn't really feeling it. He played with my clitoris and I showed him what I did when I masturbated (although I was still very new at it) but I just felt like it wasn't working and I got frustrated. I have masturbated since, and reached orgasm through clitoral stimulation, but now I just don't know if it's him or me or our relationship or that we were just having the wrong type of sex and I am now putting too much pressure on myself?
Any advice or help or how I can enjoy sex with my boyfriend would be greatly appreciated.

[Sam W]

Hi Pineapplepeach,

One recommendation I have is to continue experimenting with masturbation and learning what types of touch make you feel good. You could also try adding in sex toys, either during masturbation or partnered sex, as toys can add some new sensations into the mix. I wonder, how comfortable do you feel talking with your boyfriend about this and guiding him through some experimenting with the two of you? Do you feel like you two communicate well during sex about what feels good or what you'd like to try?

Another way to approach this is to focus less on orgasm for the time being and more on pleasure in general. What makes your body feel pleasure, and how can you and he incorporate that into your sexual encounters (this is probably going to involve more foreplay)?

[Pineapplepeach]

I have spoken to him about it, he is very understanding and was willing to do whatever I wanted in terms of waiting before we had sex, trying new things etc. But it has now got to the point where almost every minute of the day I will think "what if I'm a lesbian?" Even though I have never been attracted to a girl and I long to be with a man for the rest of my life. It is constantly on my mind, I don't even think about girls in a sexual way, it's just "well if you don't get turned on then you must be a lesbian" but it is causing me a lot of distress and being a lesbian just doesn't feel right to me. I love my boyfriend very much and I can hardly believe that the way I have felt about him for the past 5 years hasn't been real - when I masturbate I can reach orgasm over him or over boys. But then when it gets to the possibility of any sort of sexual act I get scared that it's not going to feel good and will confirm I am a lesbian, that I back out. When I masturbate I also only feel strong sexual sensations from my clitoris, so maybe if that part of me was never stimulated before, then this is why I didn't feel anything? I really want to enjoy sex with my boyfriend but I cannot stop thinking about it and the fact I could be gay. All I do is check the internet to see if someone else is in the same position as me

[Pineapplepeach]

I want to also add that I think we were both very inexperienced and have only been with eachother, that when we did have sex it would mostly be vagina oriented, with no clitoral action.

[Karyn]

If your partner hasn't been stimulating your clitoris at all, then yep, that's likely a big part of what's been missing up until now. For most people with vaginas, some level of clitoral stimulation is needed for sex to be pleasurable, and for orgasm to happen. You've discovered on your own what feels good to you, and you know that you enjoy having your clitoris touched, so having your partner incorporate those same kinds of touch into sex should help things feel a lot better. Although it's worth keeping in mind that it often takes some practice for a partner to get the hang of what works for us, even when we show them. Some people also find that it takes a while for them to be comfortable enough with a partner to let go/relax enough to reach orgasm, so if it doesn't happen right away, try not to get frustrated! Focusing on reaching orgasm can actually make it less likely, so if you can try to focus more on just enjoying the sensations. Being open with your partner and communicating throughout helps too; even just little directions like "a bit to the left" or "not so fast/slow" can help your partner figure out what you like. There are a couple of pieces that go into this in more detail that might be useful for you to have a look at:
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yield for Pleasure

As for the possibility that you might be lesbian: the idea that if you don't enjoy sex with a man, then you must be a lesbian is pretty flawed, for a bunch of reasons. For starters, orientation isn't just about who we AREN'T attracted to, it's about who we ARE attracted to, and I'm not hearing you express any attraction towards women. (For more on what orientation is and isn't, have a look at this piece: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone.) Your feelings about your partner, on the other hand, are very clear, and it also seems pretty clear to me that you want to be sexual with him, it's just that what you've tried so far hasn't felt great.

[Pineapplepeach]

Thank you very much, this does reassure me that it will happen at some point and it just takes time. I will have a read of those links too!

[Karyn]

You're welcome!

[Pineapplepeach]

I'm not sure what to do anymore. The obsession with the possibility of being a lesbian has become overbearing. I can't stop thinking about it, anyone that walks past me on the street, a voice inside my head will go "if you looked at her you must be a lesbian" and I feel sick. I am so terrified of being turned on by girls that I am too scared to masturbate in case the thought pops into my head. It was getting ok, and I was realising that I was panicking because I love and have loved my boyfriend for 5 years, but the fact that I don't feel much during sex just exacerbates it. I spoke to my doctor saying that I can't get it off my mind no matter how hard I distract myself and she said I may be gay and just struggling to terms with it. But the idea of being with a girl is not appealing to me at all. Once I tell myself this, it reassures me for a second, but then I go back to obsessing over it and seeking reassurance off the Internet. I am terrified to have sex with my boyfriend when I next see him in case trying clitoral stimulation still doesn't work. It is taking over my life, some days I won't even want to get out of bed and I will come home from uni crying because I can barely think of anything else. It was made worse when I had a dream that I kissed a girl on my course that I do not find attractive whatsoever, and I woke up crying feeling so distressed. I don't know what to do anymore because I've read so many different things on the internet that are conflicting, they say you will have always known if you were gay but I have no idea anymore what I am and it terrifies me - sometimes I think oh if I had to be with a girl I would be with her but then I think but I've always had such deep attractions to guys, including my boyfriend, who before this I wanted to settle down with, and now it's making me doubt and overanalyse everything!!!!!

[Pineapplepeach]

I feel like I want to be with a man in the future, and I love the way my boyfriend makes me feel. But the constant doubt and the desperation to find something on the internet that will help me is becoming unbearable

[Heather]

Can we set aside the future for now -- especially since no one can say what we will want in the future with much certainty -- and stick to how you feel right now?

Do you still feel very attracted to your boyfriend? Do you still want to be sexual with him for yourself, not just because he does or it is something you feel like you have to do, but because it is something you have enjoyed with him and want to keep enjoying?

[Pineapplepeach]

I do feel like I really want to be sexual with him, I would like nothing more than to be able to do so, but it feels like something is preventing me from doing so. I do feel attracted to him, I always want to be around him and I miss him dearly, but I feel as if I have worked myself into such a panic that my brain is believing things I know in my heart not to be true. I will reassure myself by saying that we just haven't worked the clitoris yet, but then I overthink and overanalyse so much that I forget everything that is good about our relationship and the way I feel about him. It feels like I've developed so much anxiety over it that it just won't happen

[Pineapplepeach]

I have enjoyed the act with him, but I didn't really feel much pleasure, although I do believe I am aroused.

[Heather]

Okay. And has anything changed for the better in your sexual life together since you first posted?

For instance, whatever sexual activities you are taking part in: are they the things that excite you, and that you really want to do? Are you communicating any better and as a habit before, during and after sex, and if so, has that resulted in things feeling good for you -- not just not hurting, but being exciting and feeling good -- now?

If you haven't done any of those things, is it because you just don't want to (with this being a first relationship and going on so long, and you staying in it being sexual despite it never feeling great, and bad habits being so long entrenched, that certainly would hardly be surprising!)? Or for some other reason?

[Pineapplepeach]

We are both at uni and so haven't seen eachother much since I first posted. When I did see him and we tried to be sexual, I enjoyed the kissing and he kissed all down my body and it felt good because it was like electricity down my body, and I have confided in him all of my fears about it. I know it sounds crazy, but I enjoyed the sex before even though I didn't feel much - the act and the intimacy with him. I kind of thought that was the sex that everyone else was having! However when being sexual with him progressed, I panicked in fear that it wouldn't work, so I stopped it

[Heather]

I'm not quite sure what you mean when you say you're not "feeling much." I am not totally clear if you mean your whole body -- like, when you talk about this full-body kissing above, it certainly sounds like you were having quite a lot of sensation -- or just certain parts of it.

But ultimately, having a sexual relationship which for several years was sexually unfulfilling for you, and where there were lousy patterns is something that's going to take some real time and joint effort to fix, and most of that work is going to need to be something happening in person, and where there's real time over weeks or months, not hours or days.

One thing I might just put out there for you to think about is if this relationship being a sexual relationship really fits your wants and needs as that kind of relationship (and I'm not even talking about his gender), particularly in both of your current life circumstances. A monogamous long-distance sexual relationship which has big sexual troubles that you can't even work on because of the distance is a lot to carry around, and a lot to be invested in if it's not really benefittting you ASA a sexual relationship. It sounds to me like you have only thought about your possible queerness being an issue here, rather than looking at the other, more clear issues. Know what I mean?

A side bit of advice I would have for you is to start keeping a sexuality journal of some kind. Somewhere you can record thoughts and feelings about your experiences -- with this partner but also all by yourself -- and reflect. A place you can start to record and probably see patterns in what excites you and what you like, where you can get to know more about your own sexuality, and without fear: you seem to have a habit of getting fearful whenever your sexuality doesn't fit certain conditions or "rules," and that is never helpful. A journal like this can help with that, too. It can be a place where asking even questions that scare you can still feel very safe. That's all something that will benefit any sexual relationship, but even more so, benefit a person who is just really starting to explore their sexuality a lot. I think it would be very helpful to you.

[Pineapplepeach]

When I say it feeling much, I mean that I wouldn't feel much sensation in my genitals. I would be into it and enjoying it, but just not feeling much down there.
I am about to go home for the summer for about 3 months, where I will be able to see him a lot. I do see that it could come across that I'm very invested without much benefit, but for me sex was very little about why I am with my boyfriend, and so it didn't matter to me very much.
It got to the point a week or two ago where I confided to my mum about how I felt, even my anxiety of being gay, and she said that she was exactly the same as me and it will just come along when the right person comes along.
A journal like this sounds like a good idea - you are right that I am terrified to really experiment now, which I would like to do with my boyfriend and also work on other areas of our relationship. I have masturbated and orgasmed over the thought of having sex with him, it's just recently the worries I have over the issue have become so prevalent!! Thank you for your help, I will try this

[Alice O]

I'm not sure what to do anymore. The obsession with the possibility of being a lesbian has become overbearing. I can't stop thinking about it, anyone that walks past me on the street, a voice inside my head will go "if you looked at her you must be a lesbian" and I feel sick. I am so terrified of being turned on by girls that I am too scared to masturbate in case the thought pops into my head. It was getting ok, and I was realising that I was panicking because I love and have loved my boyfriend for 5 years, but the fact that I don't feel much during sex just exacerbates it. I spoke to my doctor saying that I can't get it off my mind no matter how hard I distract myself and she said I may be gay and just struggling to terms with it. But the idea of being with a girl is not appealing to me at all. Once I tell myself this, it reassures me for a second, but then I go back to obsessing over it and seeking reassurance off the Internet. I am terrified to have sex with my boyfriend when I next see him in case trying clitoral stimulation still doesn't work. It is taking over my life, some days I won't even want to get out of bed and I will come home from uni crying because I can barely think of anything else. It was made worse when I had a dream that I kissed a girl on my course that I do not find attractive whatsoever, and I woke up crying feeling so distressed. I don't know what to do anymore because I've read so many different things on the internet that are conflicting, they say you will have always known if you were gay but I have no idea anymore what I am and it terrifies me - sometimes I think oh if I had to be with a girl I would be with her but then I think but I've always had such deep attractions to guys, including my boyfriend, who before this I wanted to settle down with, and now it's making me doubt and overanalyse everything!!!!!

Hey Pineapplepeach,

Hope it's okay that I'm jumping in. To add to what Heather mentioned, I'd like to bring up the possibility of counseling. What you wrote in this post above is a pretty clear description of obsessive thinking. Sometimes obsessive thinking can look like intrusive thoughts--where a thought we really don't like comes into our minds, and the more we want it to go away, the more it sticks around. Often these thoughts are about something we might be or might do--often things we don't believe we *are* or don't want to do! Aka I'm hearing you say you really don't think you are a lesbian (you have said you don't feel sexually attracted to women, and do feel sexually attracted to your boyfriend and other men) but are still obsessively worried about this idea. Counseling can help a lot with this! I know from first-hand experience. In counseling, you can work on better understanding the obsessive thoughts (thinking something doesn't make it true! a thought can't really hurt you! etc.), strategies for dealing with the obsessive thoughts when they come up and/or anxiety when it comes up, and also maybe some un-packing of why the idea of being a lesbian feels so weighted for you. Even if you decide you are not a lesbian, or queer, it could still be good to unpack what that fear is all about. Have you ever tried counseling or thought about pursuing it before?

To respond to some of the other things you said in your last post--I'm so glad you were able to be open with your mom and receive some reassurance and support from her

I'm also glad to hear you and your boyfriend will be in the same place this summer--as Heather said working on sexual dynamics takes time, so I'm glad you and your boyfriend will have some time together. I'm wondering how you would feel about taking a break from sex with him until you feel you've worked on your anxiety a bit? Going in to a sexual experience with a lot of worry, and a feeling of weight/high-stakes, usually doesn't lead to enjoying, pleasurable sexual experiences. Which it sounds like is exactly what you're after!

[Pineapplepeach]

Hi Alice, thanks for your input. When I went to the doctor about it she also suggested counselling, and because the uni term is about to end I think I will go when I am at home. I spoke to my boyfriend and he said he is happy to wait as long as I need for me to be comfortable with anything.
Yeah speaking to my mum took a lot of weight off my chest!
Thank you for your help

[Alice O]

Glad to hear it