Scarleteen

So, I moved to a new neighborhood a few months ago. One of my old friends from college lives in the area.

Before I moved, we would meet up maybe once a year and text occasionally. However, now that we live closer by one another, we have been hanging out more regularly.

The thing is, my friend has very poor mental health. She sees a psychiatrist and counselor and takes her meds, but it is still bad enough that she is unable to work more than occasionally.

Recently I’ve switched to night shift, so I am awake all night long on my off days. My friend has insomnia and is usually up until about 3 am. She knows I’m awake, and has taken to frequently texting me because of this.

Lately, she seems to be going through a harder time than usual, and has taken to contacting me when she is having anxiety/panic attacks.

I am finding this increasingly difficult to deal with. Yesterday, we went out to eat and even though I pretty strongly hinted that I needed some alone time, she kept saying that she “couldn’t be alone tonight” and pretty much guilted me into taking her back to my house so she could hang out there for several hours.

Today she received a collections letter and went into a panic attack. Right now, she is texting me all the details and telling me she wants to self harm. I am doing my best to respond supportively, but this really isn’t something I can handle.

I’m really anxious that she will ask me to go over there, and that I will have to make some excuse. This is REALLY beyond what I am capable of. Because of my history, mental health crises are really triggering to me. It’s why I had such an incredibly difficult time with my previous job. I finally got away from that job, and now I am experiencing the same issues with a friend.

On one hand, I feel guilty because I know I’m probably the only person she can go to at night. But this is starting to get really bad for me. And it stinks because she is my only friend locally, but I’m starting to feel like my personal space is being invaded. She asks me for my work schedule so she knows when I am off, and I am starting to feel overwhelmed/bombarded. She knows I have my own mental health issues, but sometimes I feel guilty because I know mine aren’t anywhere near what hers are.

I don’t want to not be friends with her anymore, but I REALLY feel like we need to dial this back.

I don’t know how to tell her this without offending/upsetting her. I know I really shouldn’t attempt to do anything while she is actively in crisis, but what about later? What should I do?

Hi Atonemnet!

I can relate so, so, SO hard. I have had many friendships which fall into those same habits. Learning to have boundaries and them learning to respect those boundaries has been a really important learning curve but it still gets difficult.

I would say that setting your boundaries (that you need her to give you space when you need it!) may be upsetting for her, but that's actually ok, and can be positive.

I would say there are some things you can do to help...

• Setting good boundaries around your mental health, is good for your friend's mental health, it means you're modeling healthy relationships and that is worth as much if not even more.
  
  You could say: "I'm afraid I have to Dial things back, because I really can't be supportive to you as much as i have been trying to be. At this rate I will burn out and i want to have a friendship with you but that will only be sustainable if I slow things down"
  
  I'd also be wary that we all express ourselves differently, Some of us can have a habit of minimising our issues when we compare them to how other people express their issues outwardly. But your mental health is super important for your sake. You deserve to feel ok Atonement!
• There may be even more services offering what she is getting from you. Not just counselling but crisis-helplines, local resources where she can drop in. I know I have helped people access those services and it has felt a LOT healthier than trying to be those services. When I have felt I have limited energy, it has felt good to be able to spend that energy googling or to say "Hey I'm sorry I can't help with this right now, but here's a crisis-number/women's shelter/resource I found, you should call"
  
  I also check-in "Did you ever call that number?"... if she continues to make the choice to rely on you after she knows it's hurting you then we really have to talk about how her behaviour is not cool. Mental illness is not an excuse for hurting people. This might be a friendship you can't be there for if your boundaries are ignored.
• Slowing down your replies can be a really good way of creating space for your friendship. I've noticed that the more I reply to people the more they message me. If I respond as quickly as initially feels appropriate in crisis situations but continue to reply that quickly, it can create that expectation. However if they notice that I only seem to reply after I've had some sleep or finished what I'm doing, or have taken the time I need for my wellbeing they also adjust their demands.

Unfortunately for some of us with severe mental health issues... 'crisis' is something that lasts a lot longer than 24 hours and drawing on professional support, or other outside support where it is available is really important.

Thanks, Jacob, I felt better after reading your response.

Thankfully, she never did ask me to come over. I think she dropped a couple hints hoping I would offer, but I just suggested a few coping strategies.

So, I definitely do think I need to have a conversation with her.

But my question is, do you think its ok for me to do that through text (Once I'm sure she isn't in a crisis mode anymore)?

Generally, I feel like it might be a bit much, but I express myself much better in writing than I do verbally, especially in uncomfortable situations. Also, she felt text was a good enough medium to reach out about these issues. So, maybe in this case it's ok?

Not to mention, I'm not really in a hurry to get together again. We just saw each other yesterday, and I enjoyed our friendship much more when we just met up and hung out every other week or so.

Also, she told me she was texting a crisis line at the same time as she was texting me. She is one person who does know her resources and uses them. Unfortunately, as far as drop in things go, she does not have transportation, so if I suggested something she would probably ask me to bring her. And another issue in our friendship is that I'm starting to resent how ofter I am used as free transportation.

I guess the thing is, she's home all the time, so it probably feels like we see/talk to each other a lot less to her than it does for me.

That's good she's using those other resources! That also means that she's already recieving support which you don't need to duplicate, if she's upset about not being able to rely on as much as she has been, they are there to speak about that too, it's not like leaving someone with nothing... you can still defer to them too like if she asks you something you can ask her what the crisis line have said and defer to their advice.

I'd also say which ever method of setting boundaries is most comfortable for you is the best one! If text feels good because you can do it from a safe distance and be clear about what you're saying great. If you'd like to wait until you can do talk about it in person that works too.

I totally have made a mental-note that some of my friends need to be once-a-month friends, and it has been helpful so it's good you know what you want too!