I don't like penetration

[thewrit3r]

While I haven't had sex with anyone yet, I masturbate like most people. I have fantasized about sexual activities I would like to engage in the future, when I have a partner, and none of them have involved penetration. I tried penetrating when I was masturbating once but it was uncomfortable. I imagine mostly having add with men, but somehow the idea of having a penis inside my vagina sounds uncomfortable, like - not to be graphic - it's chocking my vagina. I was just wondering if what I'm feeling is "normal" (since I know everyone has their sexual preferences) as I'm tying to get over the notion that intercourse is "real" sex compared to others. But I'm also wondering if penetration feels uncomfortable because I'm nervous/never tried it and if so, what I could do to make it feel more comfortable to see it I like it or it's not just my thing.

[Mo]

It might be the case that you could find penetration/insertion comfortable in the future given the right circumstances, but it's entirely possible that it just isn't going to be something you like. Either way, it sounds like it isn't something that appeals to you right now, and that's totally fine. As you say, people have different sexual preferences, and it's just as normal to be really excited about penetration as it is to be indifferent to it, or to outright hate it.

I'm glad you're trying to push past the idea that intercourse = "real" sex! I think that's a line of thinking that winds causing a lot of frustration and disappointment for people. Sex encompasses a wide range of activities, and it's normal to not be excited about all of the possibilities; in fact, it's probably more common for someone to enjoy some-but-not-all kinds of sex than it is for them to enjoy everything!

If you are interested, in the future, in exploring insertive activities, you could take a look at this article about painful intercourse for some ideas on how to help it be more comfortable: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse Starting out small, like with a finger or two that you've put a latex glove and plenty of lube on, may be a good idea as well. It's important not to push yourself, though; it's unlikely to feel good at all if you ever feel like you're forcing things. If you find that intercourse, or any other sort of sex that involves inserting something in your vagina, just isn't fun for you, that's totally fine.

[thewrit3r]

Thanks for the response! I've read over the article and I've read others that mention why penetration might be uncomfortable or just not someone's thing. I prefer outercourse right now but I suppose that could change. I think my problem was that I keep thinking if I get into a relationship with someone they'll expect intercourse and if I don't enjoy it they'll be disappointed, nothing against me but what if they prefer it? I know partners need to work together when engaging in sex (and anything in their relationship) but maybe because I've never been in a relationship I'm a little worried about what's "expected" of me

[Karyn]

There is definitely an idea that intercourse is expected, but it doesn't have to be, and ideally partners will talk about what each person likes or might like to try before any kind of sex happens (and during, if something feels particularly good or not great!). Something like our Sexual Inventory Stocklist can be a really good tool in those conversations. Too, if you've never had any kind of partnered sex before, and you let a partner know that, it's pretty unlikely that you'll be jumping right into intercourse without exploring other activities first, which is a good opportunity to figure out together, over time, what each of you likes and doesn't like (and will hopefully give you plenty of chances to express your personal preferences).

[thewrit3r]

That is a good point - I guess I get carried away into my fantasies sometimes that I forget there'd be a lot more conversation before jumping into bed thanks for getting back to me,

[Karyn]

You're welcome. And yep, when we're comfortable with a partner and communicating with them, there will be lots of back and forth along the lines of "what do you want to try" "how does this feel" "what if we did this", before sex happens AND during. Those kinds of conversations don't always happen in fantasies (or in the media, sadly) but for most people there will be some ongoing chat to make sure everyone is comfortable and enjoying themselves!

[SeQuinn]

Hey thewrit3r - I went through a similar experience when I started masturbating. I tried penetration and it just felt uncomfortable, and then when I started having partner sex I kept trying to make penetration with a penis work and it was never really pleasurable. So I can totally empathize with not feeling like you'd be able to enjoy "normal" sex. Definitely agree with Mo and Karyn - it's all about letting your partner know what you want.

When you're masturbating, feel free to try different things so you have a really good idea of what turns you on. That makes it even easier if you choose to have partner sex, because you'll be able to be clear about what you're interested in. Even though it can be kind of awkward to bring up something out of the "norm," sex is a million times more fun if you're doing what you actually want to do vs. what's expected. And your partner might find something else they're interested in as well!