What have I done?

[qwerty900000]

Hi everybody. I'm 25 and a virgin. Last night I couldn't sleep and, to fight off boredom, I decided to do what Laci Green recommends in her "Losing Your VIRGINITY?!" video, that is, I sat down and started checking out my private parts, trying to identify them and see how it felt like to touch them. This morning, however, I found out I was bleeding - not much, only some light spots, but it's still going on and it's gotten me worried. I don't feel any pain or uncomfortableness at all, though. I keep my fingernails somewhat long - is it possible I simply scratched myself? I did put a finger inside my vagina a couple of times, but only for a few seconds and even then it was just the tip. I'm a bit upset because I don't want to find out I have done some irrevocable damage - that I have lost my virginity. I know that here at scarleteen you discourage people from attaching too much value to the virginity concept, but it's difficult not to...
Thank you for listening xx

[Snorkmaiden]

Hello Qwerty! Yes, it sounds very likely that you scratched yourself a bit. It doesn't sound like you caused any damage that will not heal soon.
As for virginity, most people who feel that that is a valid concept seem to be of the opinion that you need (at least) two people present for anyones virginity to end. In other words, it's generally accepted that a person can't end their own virginity. Does that help any?

Good for you, for exploring your own body and learning about its parts!

[Heather]

Just to be clear, if you gave the idea there is something anatomical about virginity, know there is not. Virginity is a concept, an idea, not a body part or the state of someone's body.

Some people's ideas about virginity involve ignorance about anatomy, but those ideas do not square with the realities of anatomy, like the hymen wearing away in its own through life, sex or no sex. So, we suggest if you have those ideas, you reconsider them, and should you want a concept of virginity in your life, at least come up with one that does not rely on beliefs about body parts that have no basis in fact and is about things you can actually control, you know?

[qwerty900000]

Thank you for your kind replies. I think the virginity concept does more harm than good, at least the way it has been passed onto me. it certainly has given me a lot of anxiety from childhood on. When I found out Scarleteen, reading Heather's "Magical Cups & Bloody Brides" (I think "virginity" was the first topic I looked for) article was such a relief. My sexuality still gives me LOT of anxiety, however. As much I as I tell myself that my virginity is not a body part, that I'm the only person who can define what it is, the idea that I might have irreparably torn my hymen devastates me
I apologize for my terrible ignorance, but if I scratched my private parts, is it sane or sensible to expect pretty much the same consequences I might get if I scraped my arm or my knee?
Thank you again!

[Heather]

Can I check in with you that you have already read our information on the hymen, including pieces where we explain that the hymen wears away over time gradually for most people, even if someone NEVER masturbates or has any other kind of sex? It sounds like you are not getting that this thin tissue of the body wears away no matter what - and often is mostly worn away by the time puberty is over, including just because of menstruation and vaginal discharges- and so is not something someone can soundly "keep" fully intact even if they want to?

By the by, half my family is Italian, so I am guessing you have probably been exposed to some ideas considered cultural traditions among some Italians - like the old bloody bridal bedsheet scam - that are actually based on ignorance,and also were long kept traditions (traditions of fear and a pretty creepy view of sex and masculinity, IMO) mostly by virtue of people doing things to play pretend - like family members giving young brides, even those known not to have partners before, animal blood to use to put on the sheet - like something was for real? If so, do you also get that those traditions were mostly based on weird playacting, not real brides bleeding (and if so, who often were due to injuries from hasty or cruel husbands)?

[qwerty900000]

Yes, I am aware that the hymen wears away naturally. It’s just one of those things that affect you against your best judgement, you know? Like browsing a lady magazine – even if most pictures of models and such have clearly been airbrushed, it’s likely that many women are going to feel bad about their body anyway. Do you see what I mean?
Being raised in Catholic Italy didn’t help in the slightest, of course. I remember that, years ago, when a family friend opened up to her about being molested as a child, my mother remarked, “At least the man who molested her didn’t break her hymen.” To think of how much grief she went through herself back when she got engaged to my father, because they wanted to spend time alone together before they tied the knot.
But I might be a special case as well. My peers seem to be a lot more relaxed than I am. Puberty was traumatizing for me. I cried funeral tears for weeks when my breasts first developed.
This morning I woke up in pain, very much like when I caught urinary tract infection as a child, though I have no problems urinating or anything like that. It has subsided a bit since then.
The bleeding is still going on. The spots are getting darker and darker – they’re almost black now. Should I start worrying?
Thank you again for being patient with me.

[Heather]

I do know, and I understand that feelings trump logic sometimes, for sure.

How much bleeding are we talking about here: less, the same, or more than you see around the second day of a period? And you say there is pain: pain where, exactly, and how much pain?

(Btw, only here working because I am having trouble sleeping, so if I drop off mid-talk, I apologize, but will check in again first thing tomorrow once I am awake.)

[qwerty900000]

The amount of bleeding keeps changing. Sometimes it looks like it's almost stopped, sometimes it's as bad as the first day. At its worst, it's as if I were on final days of my period.

As for the pain, it's a mild burning sensation. It It feels just like UTI, except urinating doesn't cause me pain.

[Heather]

Okay.

So, my advice would be to just keep an eye on it in the next day or two. If in that time, both the bleeding and pain are not almost gone, or either increase, then it will be sound to seek out healthcare. (And since I suspect this is an issue for you, if that is the case, I would be happy to help you come up with what to say to a doctor in terms of this that you feel comfortable with. For instance, you could easily say you think you scratched yourself wiping after using the toilet, and that would in no way keep them from investigating this properly.)

[qwerty900000]

Okay, thank you!

[Heather]

Prego!