I've never trusted anyone with my heart

[girlplayer34]

So I'm 23 years old, virgin, and never been in a serious relationship or any kind of commitment really. I was young when I discovered my sexuality and to be honest it scared me a little, it made me questions a number of things about myself. When I finally came to terms with everything truthfully I was happy it made me feel whole. That was 9 years ago and I have never been in a relationship. i tried dating in high school but those were never serious or lasted very long if anything I though I was wrong about my sexuality until I got into college but even then nothing. The truth is I do trust anyone with my heart I don't wanna get hurt it just the idea of letting someone into my life can be very scary and I don't know how to deal with it I mean maybe I just need to relax or take some time but truthfully I don' think I'll ever be able to.

[Heather]

Hey there. Thanks for trusting us with this share.

Before I say any more, can you fill me in on if this extends to other kinds of relationships too? Have you ever had close friendships? Close family relationships of any kind?

Also, do you feel like this fear is based in trauma, in hurt you have already experienced? If so, would you mind sharing a little about that?

[girlplayer34]

To answer the first question i mean romantic relationships. I do have some trauma in almost trusting someone but other than that I have never given someone my heart completely.

[Heather]

I got you: I figured you meant that, but what I am wondering is if you also have or have had this issue in other kinds of relationships?

[girlplayer34]

No only with romantic relationships.

[Heather]

Okay, thanks.

So, that's interesting to me, and I think it's worth thinking about for you. Let me tell you why (I also think it's a good place to start this conversation).

I think a lot of us have this idea we can somehow be more hurt in romantic or sexual relationships than we can in other emotionally intimate relationships, but that's just not true. The fact is, any kind of relationship where we open ourselves up to another person emotionally is somewhere we can potentially be hurt, and if it's mutual, where we can both be hurt and both hurt the other person. And in these relationships, if we do open up, at some point we undoubtedly will do both. In long-term relationships, probably way more than once. There's just no avoiding it, there's only doing our best to hurt each other as infrequently as we can, and do to our best to be accountable and care for one another and ourselves when hurt happens. And to also do ourselves and each other a favor and move into things gradually, with healthy boundaries, building trust as we go.

You said right in your first post maybe you just need to take some time, and for sure, I think it's a good idea for anyone to do that, and however much time we need to feel safe with someone? That's how much time we need, and I think that's something to honor and accept, not beat ourselves up about, or decide is some kind of problem, you know? We all carry around different burdens, have different histories and needs, and thus, different timetables. And that's without even accounting for the other people in the equation!

Can you talk a little bit about what you feel like you want right now, and what you feel like you need to make taking the first steps of seeking that out -- like just getting to know people, first hangouts or dates, maybe -- feel safe and good for you?

[girlplayer34]

I honestly I don't know how to feel. Getting hurt has always been the thing that stop from forming those kinds of connections. I saw a lot of friends get hurt after losing their virginities and that only made it harder for me to trust anyone, there are times I'm worried that no one will want to be with me because of how many boundaries I have set up I mean now these days nobody wants to wait for sex the older I get the worst I feel about it. Sometimes I feel like just getting it over with even though thats not what I want and what would have been the point of waiting so long now i just feel terrible.

[Mo]

I do think it's going to be best if you don't push yourself to have sex you aren't ready for just to get it over with; it's unlikely that this sort of sexual experience will be positive for you at all. While it might not feel like it right now, there are plenty of people out there who are willing to take things slow when it comes to sex, or who even prefer that things move at a slower pace.

I really like what Heather has to say above about getting hurt: whether we're talking about friendships, romantic relationships, or sexual ones, there's never a way to guarantee that you won't hurt someone else or be hurt by them. There are things you can do to minimize that risk, to be kind and caring and set boundaries with people, but it's not a risk you can ever eliminate completely. I do think that taking things slowly and being open with potential partners about where you're at and what you're comfortable with will help.

Do you have any sense of what you might feel ready for right now, as Heather asked in their most recent post? Does meeting new people sound like something you're up for at all?

[girlplayer34]

I want to meet new people I am open to it but, I am inexperienced and i feel that might be a turn off for some people which is why I don't date much. Now these days I feel like it's all about sex and most people are not willing to wait. To be honest I don't think anyone will ever be patient enough to deal with me honestly and like I said before I've felt ashamed of waiting so long.

[Elise]

Hi there girlplayer34, this is actually a really common anxiety that people have who come to sex and dating in their 20s. Whilst it may seem daunting, I can reassure that with communication and trust (which is really needed regardless of the experience of either partner in a sexual relationship), many people have navigated dating, and their first sexual encounters in this context safely and successfully before.

Have you read either of these articles on the Scarleteen website before? Once you've had a chance to read/re-read them, it'd be great to hear what you think about how they might apply to your situation:

• Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience
• The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism sections on:
  • Concerns About Sexual Prowess
  • Communicating About Sex