Scarleteen

I met my roommate, "Ann", over facebook 7 years ago. At the time, we lived in different states, and our friendship was online. I moved to her state a couple years ago for college, but we still lived far apart, and the friendship continued online.
A year after settling in this way, my online friend Ann and her husband moved to my town to finish their degrees. She asked me if I wanted to move in with them, and I said yes.
At about that time, I started dating a man, "Shane." I think, when Ann and I moved in together, she expected that we'd be best buddies and that I'd dedicate a lot of time to her. Meanwhile, all my time and energy outside school & work was devoted to my romance with Shane.
Shane lives in the next town over, and every weekend, I would drive down to stay with him. When Ann and I moved in, this did not change. My focus was on Shane, not on her. I knew this bothered her, but I figured--she had her husband and friends besides me. She'd be fine.
At about the time Shane and I started dating, he began to have severe health problems. He was hospitalized multiple times, and he almost died, before he finally got a diagnosis. He has a severe chronic disease and will be sickly the rest of his life. Combine this with our budding romance, and my focus was all on helping him. My friendship with Ann got left by the wayside.
Fast forward to now. I have lived with Ann for an entire year. She has finished school and is moving away. During that year, she built up a lot of jealousy for all the attention Shane gets. She is hurt that I don't devote the time and energy to her that I do to Shane. She never voiced her feelings to me, until last week. Last week she came into my room and vented an entire year's worth of unspoken hurt and anger.
The next day, after Ann and I managed to make peace, she said something that deeply upset me. She said she thought Shane "takes too much out of me", and that I should break up with him because he has "too many health problems." She swore that she just wanted "what was best for me," but as I see it, the only thing Shane takes out of me is the attention Ann wants for herself.
On one hand, I regret neglecting Ann, but on the other hand I have no intention to change. Shane and I plan to marry after I graduate. On one hand, I want to make things up to Ann, but on the other hand she has upset me and it would be much easier to cut my losses once she moves out. I am very confused about my own feelings on the matter, and could use some advise.

Before I say anything else, I'd like a better sense of what you want here.

How important is this friendship to you? Has it recently felt like it still is a close friendship that is a good fit for you, or has it felt more like something you may have outgrown, or that has stopped working?

How do you think you would feel without Ann in your life, or with significantly less contact with her?

Lastly: how does she respond to limits and boundaries? For instance, were you to respond to her ableism about your partner with something like, "Please don't talk with me again about Shane's health or illness unless I initiate that conversation with you," how do you think she might respond?

I think the friendship is more important to Ann, then it is to me. When she and I first met online, she had a lot of struggles and she really leaned on me to cope. Over time, she started telling me I was her best friend. And I just went along with it. Back then, I was one of her only supports. Both of us had mental health issues, but whereas I had access to therapists, church leaders, and other support systems, she didn't. So I let her vent to me a lot, and I let her call me her best friend, because I wanted to help.

I guess, in that sense, it started out as an unequal friendship. She needed me more than I needed her. I guess--I didn't expect her to still be "needy" when we moved in together. A lot of the struggles she had when we were teenagers, were the result of neglectful parents and bullies in high school. I assumed that, with parents and bullies out of the way; and with her husband and her expanding friend circle, she wouldn't need me like she did back then.

I feel bad to admit it, but the friendship is not that important to me anymore--I may have outgrown it. I like Ann, and she is pleasant to hang out with, but I don't feel like putting emotional depth into it anymore. Most of my time and emotion goes into my boyfriend, the circle of friends he and I share, and our families. I tend to be a loner, and expanding my energy for friendships outside of those close circles is not something I want.

To answer your last question--Ann would respect limits and boundaries if I asked. The issue is that she feels very strongly that she is right and I am wrong. This can be about anything--from the way I eat my food, to the way I conduct my relationships. She never outright says it, but from her mannerisms, it's apparent. I think she'd verbally respect boundaries, but her body language and conduct would scream "YOU'RE WRONG!"

It's okay to feel differently about someone than they feel about you. It's okay to outgrow relationships, too: people do it all the time throughout life. And it's also okay to realize that a relationship never really served you -- or didn't in the way you need now, but did in other ways before, like perhaps by filling a need to counsel someone and be a support, which certainly offers us things -- and then make different choices with it now that you recognize that.

It does sound to me like you're basically over this except for feelings of guilt and obligation. Does that sound about right to you? How would you ideally like to move forward from here? What do you really want at this point for yourself?