How can I help my partner with premature ejaculation

[Curious_Partner]

Hi Everyone,

I am wondering if you have any advice on how I can help my partner last longer when we have PIV sex. We use a condom often, and that helps, but it feels better for both of us without. Yet without a condom he only lasts about 30 seconds to a minute. I don't want to try numbing solutions or such (he hasn't suggested it, and I won't b/c that totally isn't fair to him, we should both be able to feel if anything is wrong). We have tried having sex and then having sex again in an hour or so, which sort of "works", but isn't very satisfying (he really isn't mentally into it, and I can tell). I saw a link to the stop start technique in your post "A problem with "premature" ejaculation...maybe isn't premature ejaculation," but do you have any ideas for partnered exercises/solutions? I don't want him to have to deal with this alone.

To address all the unsaid assumptions above...I am female, he is male (both cis); we are in a stable, monogamous long-term relationship (over a year); we are STI free; I have an IUD (and if a pregnancy did happen, we have talked about what we would do); I have suggested we use vibrators/dildos to get more stimulation right before or after penetration, but he seems very uncomfortable with toys, and I don't want to push--I feel I need to respect his discomfort right now.

He is under stress currently, since he is starting a degree, and his work is up in the air. So that is probably why he is less interested in sex and maybe why he is ejaculating a lot sooner than he used to in our relationship. We have great foreplay, and while I don't usually orgasm (I am on an SSRI), I enjoy sex. But I enjoy it a lot more when actual intercourse lasts longer (and he is aware of that). He is always apologizing for finishing, and I tell him he doesn't have to, but he does seem happier after sex when he lasts longer. And he has said he wants to last longer and "work on it."

Sorry for the essay-length post, but I wanted you to know that I don't feel like we need relationship advice, or advice on how pointless it is to compare stamina to some mystical "normal." We don't have some idyllic, perfect relationship in or out of the bedroom, but we work on things and do our best to communicate. And I think we both want to work on this particular stamina issue. Any advice or resources? Thank you so very much!

[Karyn]

Welcome to the boards, Curious_Partner.

First off, you're right that stress could be a part of this: our emotional state can have a big impact on sexual response, and while for some folks that means difficulty reaching orgasm, for others it means reaching orgasm sooner. So, you might find that when his life settles down a bit, that the time it takes him to orgasm increases.

Per the stop/start technique, you can incorporate something similar into partnered sex by pausing intercourse when he feels close to orgasm, and then resuming when that feeling subsides, but it's suggested that people using the technique start off with masturbation because it's generally much easier to pay attention to the sensations in one's body when there isn't anyone else around. Him practicing the stop/start technique on his own isn't leaving him to deal with it alone: it's just that there's only so much you can do because it's his body and he's the only one who can know what sensations he's feeling and how to be more aware of those sensations.

Lastly, I know you said that both of you prefer the way intercourse feels without condoms, but if you'd like to do a little bit of exploring to try and find a brand/type that feels better to both of you, I'm happy to suggest a few types you can try.

[Curious_Partner]

Thanks! what would you suggest? we once got a durex multipack, but they seemed either all the same except for color; one type did have some rather uncomfortable prickly bumps, but it also had much less lube than usual. So after one try we kind of gave up. I would appreciate any advice! thanks

[Karyn]

Okay. A few things to look for would be thinner condoms (like Trojan Ultra Thin or Lifestyles Sheer Pleasure), without any bumps or ridges on the outside since you know you don't like those. Some folks find that non-latex (polyurethane or polyisoprene) condoms feel better because of the way they conduct heat; Lifestyles SKYN or Durex Avanti are two possibilities there. There's more info on different condom styles here: Your Map to the Condom Aisle

We also have a Scarleteen safer sex shop, where you can order a bunch of different sampler packs through Lucky Bloke: http://www.scarleteen.com/condom_shop

One last thing: if you aren't using plenty of water-based lube on the outside of the condom - pre-lubricated condoms usually don't have nearly enough - and putting a drop or two inside the tip before it's rolled on, that in itself can make a big difference to how the condom feels for both partners.

[Curious_Partner]

Thanks, I had no idea you sold things! We usually do use plenty of lube on the outside, but he has never put any inside the condom. Would this make him come sooner with too much stimulation? I always use lube, but he never mentioned it for inside. Does it make a big difference?

[Alice O]

This article has a bit more info about putting lube inside the condom:Condom Basics: A User's Manual. It says, "Put a few drops of water-based lube (such as Astroglide, KY Liquid or Liquid Silk) inside the tip of the condom: that not only helps with getting it on, it makes condoms feel a lot better during use. Only put a condom on AFTER there is a partial or full erection (after the penis has 'gotten hard')."

I can't say for sure how using lube inside the condom will affect how long it takes him to orgasm, I think this can only be determined through trial and error.

[Curious_Partner]

Thank you, we will give it a try. I always find the "errors" in any trial-and-error fun, but he often gets stressed. I will take some time and introduce things slowly. I realize, having read a bit now, that textured condoms sometimes need more lube than regular ones, maybe that was why it didn't feel good. I used my more-or-less standard amount the time we tried.

[Mo]

Does your partner talk at all about what feels stressful about trial and error experimentation? Sometimes it can help to reframe it from "this either works or fails" to something like "let's experiment and find enjoyment even if the outcome isn't what we were hoping for."
Also, if you find that this is mostly happening during intercourse (which is the impression I'm getting from your posts, but do correct me if I'm wrong) and it is causing enough frustration that intercourse is feeling at all stressful, high-pressure, etc. right now, it may be helpful to take a break from it for the moment, and focus on other kinds of sex for a bit. Having a break to recalibrate and focus on other kinds of sex with a better pleasure-to-frustration ratio might be a good mental reset.

[Heather]

Don't forget that being as supportive and understanding as you sound like you are is really THE thing you can do to help your partner with this, and it sounds like you are already doing a bang-up job.