Scarleteen

chubbychickpea asks:

My partner and I have been dating for over a year now and have just begun to hit some rough patches. We used to have a lot of (what I thought was) really great sex. Then one day he told me that all that sex had been only mediocre for him. I was mortified and also ashamed because it felt like maybe he had never really want to have sex with me, he was just doing it because he knew I wanted to. Recently, he says that he might be asexual, but he isn't sure. He's trans and in the middle of transitioning, so he says his body is changing. He says masturbation "works wonders" for him, and he feels no sexual desire for me whatsoever. I've researched a/sexual relationships - the options are 1) me learning to like masturbation - I do, but it's not enough for me 2) him compromising to have sex, which reeks of non-consent and grosses me out 3) an open relationship, which isn't an option for either of us. I'm sexual. I want to feel sexy and desired and to have sex and everything that goes along with it. But if he isn't, what am I supposed to do? Right now the solution feels like I should just repress my libido so I won't need to have sex any more, but I don't even know if that's possible. I'm at an age where I'm being told left and right to assert myself as a woman, as a sexual person, as a queer person - but it seems like all of that's stopping now. If I'm not a sexual woman any more, I don't even know if I can consider myself a woman. That's right, this is potentially gender identity rocking for me. Please give me any and all advice. I'd appreciate it. - Sad, Confused, Terrified.

Heather Corinna replies:

Before I say anything else, I want to address about those feelings of shame and inadequacy you had -- from the sounds of it, are still having -- when your partner told you his feelings about your sex life.

Someone feeling like their sexual life or interactions with someone else aren't satisfying, or not feeling desire for them, doesn't mean that other person is not performing or servicing the other person properly (and hopefully the ooky-way all of that even sounds will tip you off to how much it just isn't the way to go), that the other person isn't sexual anymore, isn't "enough" per their sexuality or gender, or that something is wrong with them, period. How this person feels with all this is primarily about this person: not you.

And in this situation, particularly, it sounds to me like your partner has some stuff going on that you can't -- and shouldn't try to -- "fix" or change with any kind of sex you may have with them. He sounds to me like he's clear that some of this is about where he's at with his transition, as well as a possibility of him simply not having an interest in sex with others, period. Too, you also are in no way responsible for this person only telling you now how they feel about sex they have been engaging in with you the whole time this far along. Sometimes people fake interest or satisfaction in the sex that they're having. That obviously stinks for everyone, including the person they're doing that with, but even if a con isn't the intent, in some ways, it's like one in that the person being conned isn't the person responsible for being conned: that's on the person, even if their causes or reasons are something we can understand or feel sympathy for, doing the conning.

Too, it's not like it's unusual for one person to have sex and find it great, and the other person to feel lackluster about it. I know the ideal is that when we have great experiences, the other person is, too, but because we're all different people, that just isn't always going to happen. In fact, I'd say people being sexual together even one time and both feeling the exact same way about it is more uncommon than common. It is okay that you had what were great experiences for you that were only okay for the other person. And again, it's not on you, and may not even be about you -- unless you have been doing anything to keep your partner from feeling safe being honest, which I doubt, as that just doesn't sound like the kind of person you are -- that they withheld the truth from you.

I truly, deeply, hope you can start to let those feelings of shame or inadequacy go and eventually just pitch them in the rubbish bin full-stop. They're not going to help you, they're only going to bog you down and make you feel more crummy, scared and confused. They also are not likely to lead you to choices and solutions that do work for you.

That said, I agree that the options you've presented here are some options you have. I also agree that with the exception of opening up the relationship -- which you make clear one or both of you won't consider, so it's a non-option if that's how one or both of you feels -- those options are stinkers. By all means, him agreeing to have sex he doesn't want, with someone he's made clear he feels no sexual desire for, is, as you seem to agree, totally not an option at all. Doing that is, I agree, questionably consensual, but it also is nearly guaranteed to make you both feel shittier, not better. You don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you (and you and I seem to feel the same way about that, per that taking even the idea of sex with them off the table if they feel that way is a given). Someone can also like masturbation all they want, but that's not going to change their desire for sex with a partner, nor does having sex on your own really speak to the fact that you are in a sexual relationship with someone else, one that doesn't allow you any others, but one that can't really be a sexual relationship anymore since one person in it has made clear they feel no desire to have that kind of relationship with you anymore, and even when they did, have now made clear it wasn't a good fit for them.

There is, however, another option you didn't include: splitting up...