A triangle I guess.

[Confused_Pan]

Ok, so for some reason i messed up my bday thing but oh well. I'm 13, and basically I have this massive crush on this girl who would probably gladly go out with me if I didn't have a bf. it's completely killing me and I told her today over insta and she was cool with it and we had a nice convo. I have nearly gone out with my bf for a year (in a few weeks) but I'm having doubts and it's making me insane. I feel so bad liking both of them and it makes me feel sick. What do I do?

[Mo]

First off, I want to let you know that there isn't anything wrong with being attracted to more than one person at once. It sounds like this is a stressful situation for you but I hope you can accept your feelings and not feel bad or guilty about it; it's totally normal. When people make agreements with a partner to be exclusive or monogamous, that's going to be an agreement about your behavior, not about your thoughts or desires, because people just can't turn those thoughts and feelings off at will (and I'd argue that we shouldn't have to).

With that said: do you have an agreement to be exclusive or monogamous with your current boyfriend? Plenty of people do engage in relationships with multiple people at the same time, all aboveboard and with everyone's knowledge and consent. If that's something you're interested in, I can certainly talk about that a bit more.

Do you feel like you're having doubts about your current relationship in general, or does it feel like you're trying to weigh it against a potential relationship with the girl you have a crush on? If your relationship has issues, that's important to address whether or not you later want to approach anyone else about dating.

[Confused_Pan]

Thanks for replying and sorry for the late reply. we are in a monogamous relationship. I feel like I'm having slight doubts about the wanting to be with him romantically side of things and I feel that I'm also weighing it against a potential relationship. I've noticed how much I want to be with this girl, but how I want to be with my boyfriend too. I wouldn't agree to go into a relationship with multiple people since it seems hard to handle and, as I've grown up to know that only 2 people should be together, it just not right for me. It's other peoples Choice with what they do with their relationships though. I feel like breaking up with my bf but I may regret it and I don't want to hurt him. It's nearly our 1 year and both of us have nearly finished gifts and everything. He is so excited, and so am I but something just doesn't feel right.

[Heather]

You know, a year-long romantic relationship is a loooooooong one for someone your age. On the whole, people that age more commonly have romantic relationships that only span months, weeks or even just a few days.

That's not surprising -- or a bad thing -- because in your early teens you are so barely just trying all this out and seeing how it feels, just learning about what you want and don't, like and don't, and you and everyone else your age are also in a pretty constant state of change. Can you accept that you may have just seen this all through to the point that you feel ready to move on? Can you get okay with the idea that breaking up doesn't have to be about hurting someone (you can go about it with care and kindness), even though breakups can hurt?

It might help to think about this choice setting your crush aside (especially since ideally, you don't want to bounce right from one relationship into another without breaks in between). If she wasn't in the picture, what would you want to do?

[Confused_Pan]

If she wasn't in the picture I think my feelings would be the same. I wasn't interested in my boyfriend in that way at first, then agreed since I was ok with going out with him and learnt to like him a lot more to the beginning stage of love. I've had these doubts for a while, even before I realised my feelings for my friend, but talking to my boyfriend set them aside, but this doesn't seem to work anymore. I'm attempting to explain to my mum the boyfriend side of things, not the crush one since that may be a bit hard to explain. (She isn't anti gay, thank the lord. We have lesbian fam)

[Heather]

Okay. Sounds like you're pretty clear on all this, even though you are also worried about the impact of breaking up.

How can we help you from here? Sounds like you really care about this person: I'm assuming that, if possible, you'd still like them to be part of your life?