Orgasm

[Anonymous12]

I can only cum during oral or masturbation. The guy I'm with now is bigger than anyone I've been with so the size is not the issue. I don't know what it is. I've had sex plenty of times but only oral ever gets me to cum. I'm a female and I've tried a vibrator during sex and all. I don't know what to do. And my current partner,bc he's big and all I feel everything and I be extra wet but he can only last one round and that's about five minutes for him. He can't stay up for another round and I feel if we go longer maybe I will cum during intercourse. He started having sex way before me but I've had sex more and I'm more experienced and I have to teach him mostly everything and I don't understand. But I don't know how to teach him to make me cum during intercouse.

[thewrit3r]

Hi, Anonymous 12!

I'm assuming your describing PIV sex? I'm only asking because sex is such a broad category of activities, and what some people describe as sex others don't. Anyway, if that's the case, many women experience sexual pleasure from their clitoris, which, as you know, isn't stimulated during PIV sex. Not saying that women don't experience sexual pleasure from that, but if you're not getting pleasure from vagina stimulation, you're certainly not alone. And honestly, if you don't enjoy intercourse, I would suggest telling your boyfriend that. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties. It's not just about pleasing one person - that's what masturbation is for - but sometimes that's how it's portrayed in the media - when there's a gender imbalance in sexual pleasure, it's usually about pleasing the man rather than the women in a heterosexual relationship, which really isn't fair.

If you and your boyfriend enjoy oral sex, why not continue doing it? A lot of times PIV intercourse is held as the epitome of sex, but the truth is that not everyone enjoys it. It's not "real" sex anymore than any other sexual activity is. I've never had a sexual partner but I'm currently not interested in intercourse as I prefer clitorial stimulation. I really would only do what both of you enjoy. And you can always explore other activities; just keep the lines of communication open. If something doesn't feel good or just isn't enjoyable, let him know and try something else. While there's no doubt you both won't enjoy everything, I'm sure you'll find something out there you both enjoy doing.

[Anonymous12]

Thewrit3r,
He doesn't last five minutes during inter course and he's never on hard anymore where we can go another round. So usually he gives me oral first so that I already cum bc intercourse feels good to me but I can never cum from it. I don't know why. I need help trying to fix this. I guess bc I'm 18, lost my virginity in November of last year and I stayed masturbating. So I guess oral is the only thing that gets me off bc it's similar to masturbation and that's what I'm so used to. I have to teach my boyfriend everything! Yet I'm the new beginner but I'm the more experienced one. Keeping him on hard/up is a mind thing that he has to do for himself. I can't teach him that and I believe if we were to have imtercourse longer than five minutes I could cum.

[Sam W]

Hi Anonymous12,

One thing to keep in mind is that the average length of intercourse (length of time from insertion to ejaculation) is 3-4 minutes. So his body is doing what many bodies like it do.

Can I ask why you feel like this is something you feel you need to fix? And when you say you have to teach him everything, can you tell me more about that?

[Anonymous12]

Hi Sam,
I had to teach him how to give me oral sex and many other things. He acts like he doesn't know how to do anything. Apparently I'm more experienced than him. I feel I need to fix this bc I never cum and I would like to experience an orgasm during intercourse as well as clitorial stimulation. Other partners I've had lasted longer and we went more rounds,he can't do that. I had to teach him how to do foreplay,mostly everything we do during sex is bc I taught him how.

[Karyn]

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of frustration about wanting to experience orgasm during intercourse, and it can definitely be frustrating to want something and to feel like it's not possible. However, that's just the way sex goes sometimes. Not everyone's body will do absolutely everything, and it's worth keeping in mind that the majority of people with vaginas don't reach orgasm from intercourse alone. Most folks need some sort of clitoral stimulation as well, like Alice mentioned. (There's a widespread idea that orgasm from intercourse is better somehow, but while orgasms from clitoral stimulation as opposed to vaginal stimulation may feel different, it's the same process happening - largely in your nervous system - and there isn't one "kind" of orgasm that's better than any other.)

One option is to find a way to incorporate clitoral stimulation into intercourse, whether by using your hands, your partner using his hands, or a toy. You could also start off with oral sex, and then transition into intercourse when you feel like you're close to orgasm.

It also sounds like you're frustrated with having to teach your partner things, and maybe a bit frustrated that his body doesn't do what your other partners' bodies did. I'm wondering if there are aspects of this sexual relationship that don't feel frustrating to you, and that you enjoy?

[Anonymous12]

Karyn,
It's hard finding much I enjoy with sex with him bc I've had to teach him everything and he still don't learn. He gives me oral first till I cum then we go to intercourse. I've used a vibrator during intercourse and still nothing. Sex feels good and hurts at the same time bc of the size of his penis but 5 minutes,sometimes less I can't go with. I can't cum during intercourse so I at least want to enjoy the moment for more than 5 minutes.

[Sam W]

When you say he still doesn't learn, do you feel like he forgets what you tell him? Or that he's deliberately not doing it? I also wonder, are you communicating in the moment about what feels good and what doesn't? Even if we know what our bodies like in general, the specifics can vary from day to day and that means we have to communicate them to a partner as we go.

Do the two of you do a lot of foreplay that's not focused on orgasm? If you're looking for pleasure to last longer, that's one way to do it.

[Anonymous12]

Sam,
I tell him what I like and don't like after. He forgets or just don't know how. He doesn't really know how to do foreplay. We try though but it doesn't last long. I be trying to tell him it's a mind thing for him to stay up longer. He doesn't talk freaky,he says he don't know how and that I should teach him. Basically everything we do I have to teach him. I'm 18, he's 21. I don't understand.

[Mo]

Do you think it might be helpful to give him some guidance in the moment, vs. just afterwards? It does sound very frustrating to tell a partner what you do and don't like during sex and to have them either forget or not bother to change their habits based on it, but maybe some more immediate feedback would be useful for him.
Honestly, though, if you're at a point where sex feels this frustrating and your partner doesn't seem to be putting in a lot of effort to respond to your feedback, this may be a situation where you're just not a great fit for a sexual relationship with each other.

[Anonymous12]

Mo,
He tries. He really do. He's just nonchalant about everything. I'm going to try foreplay more and make sure he doesn't rush. But I'm at a lost on what to do about having an orgasm during intercourse. Maybe it's just not for me

[thewrit3r]

If he's nonchalant about it, maybe like Mo said, a sexual relationship just isn't working for you, at least right now.

[Karyn]

It's entirely possible, as Mo and thewrit3r have said, that a sexual relationship just isn't the best fit for the two of you right now. However, if ending the sexual part of your relationship isn't something you want to consider right now, I'd suggest sitting down with him and having a really open talk about all of this: not just the specifics of what you like and how you like to be touched, but how you feel about the way he seems to respond to your suggestions. (Keeping in mind that it's generally helpful to approach this kind of talk from the perspective of how you feel, not focusing on what you think he's doing "wrong", as that tends to make the other person defensive and not very open to continuing the conversation.) We have a piece on talking about sex with partners that you might find helpful, if you've never had this kind of discussion before: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Is having that conversation with him something you would want to try?