Scarleteen

Hello! Please, I need another opinion. I have a long distance relationship. We've been together for almost 1,5 years. She lives 3 hours from me. I'm in college, and she's applying for a college. At the first 1,3 years together, the relationship was at its highest. We were so close. We feel good together, I really love her. Actually, I don't know what love is. I'm really confused right now. Intelectually we don't match at all, I mean, I can't have complex conversations, I study engineering, and sometimes I miss that, but the connection we had made it up to it.

I see her mostly 2 weekends a month, and when tests come, 1 weekend. But that wasn't a problem. We were happy. Now, I'm really confused. It's been almost 3 weeks since we saw each other, cause I'm having maaany tests. And I'm feeling that all that burning emotions I had are fading away. I don't have the same excitement when talking to her on the phone, and I feel we lost some intimacy. Sometimes I feel trapped in a relationship, sometimes I feel I'm too young to find someone for life, sometimes I feel I'm being controlled emotionally, even though she doesn't do anything intentionally I think, sometimes I think about breaking up. But suddenly I see myself without her, and I feel deep sadness, like I'd do a huge mistake. I don't know anymore.

I was the perfect boyfriend for this 1,5 year, overly dedicated, many gifts,love letters, psychological support, helping her study, and since her parents doesn't let her come to my house, I've been the one always traveling 6 hours a day to see her, every single time since we were together. And I felt I was doing so much many times, and I didn't receive it back. I know she loves me so much, but she has a hard time showing that explicitly. I don't know what to do now.

Two weeks ago we had a really big pregnancy scare, and that was really dismotivating to me. Suddenly I saw all my future at risk, and I felt more and more dismotivated about the relationship. We decided not to have sex until 2018.
Summarizing, I love her, but I feel I have to suppress many feelings, and be careful not to hurt her feelings, and when I want to leave the relationship, I think about everything I said to her, and think about me without her, and suddenly I give up. =(
Help.

Hi Naturalway505,

Some of what you're feeling is really common. With romantic relationships, there's well known pattern where the relationship moves from the "honeymoon" phase when everything feels very passionate and exciting and new, to a new phase where the novelty and excitement of the relationship has worn off a bit and you're left with a more realistic (for lack of a better word) picture of your partner and your compatibility. Some couples adjust to this phase, others fizzle out.

With your feelings around giving a lot and not receiving, or having to suppress your feelings, have you and she talked at all about that?

Thank you Sam!

We've talked sometimes about it, that we have to tell each other everything we feel. But at the end I know I can't do that. Everytime I say something wrong, (mostly silly things), she makes it seem like she's really hurt by it, and takes a while to go back to normal with me. I feel like I'm stepping on eggs. We NEVER argue, I mean, when we do, even about the stupidiest thing, it's like the world is falling apart for her. I'll give you an example: once I said I wanted to live together before getting married, and she thought the opposite. And after I said that, she felt I didn't wanna take the risk for her, and she felt I didn't love her. I don't if I was wrong, or if she was making drama. I love her, and for me being in a relationship with her or not, isn't gonna change that.
But the thing I'm most confused about is that when I feel like breaking up, I feel this empty thing inside, and feel very sad. Is it maybe just being afraid of loneliness?

If you're at a point where you feel like you can't be honest with her, that's a sign that the relationship is in some trouble. It's important to be sensitive to a partner's feelings, but if you two have a hard time communicating and even little things turn into big fights, that means the relationship either needs a reset or that it might not be a relationship that can last. Does that make sense?

What you're feeling when you think about breaking up could be a lot of things. Fear of loneliness is certainly one possibility. You could also be feeling sad at the thought of losing the parts of the relationship that you like and make you happy, or at the thought of hurting your partner. That's something where taking time to reflect and think about what, exactly, you're feeling and why you're feeling it can be helpful.

I'd like to throw in my two cents because I did long-distance/international for 3,5 years, and actually I remember that right about the same time you're at (1,5 years) my boyfriend was in the same spot you are--tilting from "I don't know if this is what I want" to "I can't imagine life without you." So trust me--you're not the only one who goes through this.

What I have to stress, above all, is communication. You *have* to be able to communicate. If you can't share what you're feeling, or you feel like you're walking on eggshells, it's not a good sign. I think the first important step is to sit down with her the next time you see each other in person (avoid doing this via technology as much as possible) and lay out what you've noticed and give her a chance to explain. Maybe she feels the world is falling apart when you fight because she thinks a fight is a sign you aren't meant for each other. Maybe she has certain expectations from you when you've hurt her feelings--a gesture, words of remorse, etc.--and you haven't been delivering and as a result it takes longer to get over it. Or maybe not! I don't know. But it's important that *you* know.

And I also think it's important to tell her how you feel, in terms of how you are constantly worried about offending her or you feel you can't share your emotions or you feel you do more giving and she doesn't do enough. You have to get that out there, or it will build up inside you--in fact, that could contribute to the feeling of being trapped.

If she listens, engages in calm conversation without getting insulted or turning your sharing session into a fight, then good! You'll probably figure out a few new ground rules for your relationship. If these new ground rules don't lead to less confusion for you, I'd suggest a deep look into what you think the best next step is. Do you think you're feeling distant because your immediate surroundings demand too much time and attention? Find time between terms to spend a week or two with her. Do you think your feelings are gone but you're not sure why a breakup seems like a bad idea? Try a break--agree to a certain amount of time (our break was 6 weeks) where you'll live as if you've broken up--no contact, no visits. Figure out if you miss her, or miss the feeling of dating someone, or if you feel fine. Meet up after the break and talk about what you've discovered in your times alone. Or maybe you'll come up with a different next step that fits you two better than what I've suggested.

I know this is super long but two years ago when I was in the same situation I felt so confused and answer-less and I want to make sure you have as much information as possible!

It sounds like you care a lot about your girlfriend. It can be tough trying to decide whether it's best to move on or if things will get better with time and effort. As the two ladies before me have said, communication is everything when it comes to a relationship.

So far, it sounds like you and your girlfriend have started having conversations about your relationship, but they haven't been very effective. In your example, you mention that you discovered that you have different ideas about living together before getting married and your girlfriend said she felt you didn't love her because you weren't willing to take a risk that she wanted. If you both left the conversation feeling hurt, then maybe you didn't reach an effective compromise. Perhaps next time you guys try this conversation, you could try saying something like, "I hear that you are feeling hurt because I am more cautious and want to take our relationship slower, is there something I can do to reassure you?" Basically, you want to express 1) that you are listening and giving her a chance to clarify if you misunderstood, 2) your reasons why, 3) that you are willing to compromise. Hopefully, you guys can work to understand each other a little better and find some creative ways to tackle your problems.

If you try at it for a while and you're still not reaching a great compromise, really take some time to consider if it's a decision you need to make now or not. Maybe the best solution right now is no solution. If it comes to that maybe you could say something like, "I know we have different feelings about living together before getting married, but I know that I love you right now. Would you be willing to revisit this conversation with me at a later time?" If it's possible, try to decide on a concrete time to revisit it.

Intimacy can be sometimes be difficult to maintain, but there are things you can do to work at it. You could both try gratitude/admiration journaling where you write down the things you notice and what it makes you admire about your partner. "You sent me a cute picture of you hanging out with your friends and it reminded me of how much fun I have hanging out with you." Focus on the positives!

On a final note, if you do decide to move on, it's okay. Sometimes we have to end relationships for our own reasons. It can be hard and painful, but humans are resilient and we heal and learn and grow. Wishing you the best!