Not sure about advice I've been getting about dating

[DarkLady]

Okay so this might so a little odd but recently my brother and I were chatting about dating apps. I had mentioned using them and even meeting up with people on them. But nothing ever came of these meet ups. I did it safely and in public. I told someone where I was going before hand. My brother then asked me what my approach was when I realized I liked the person in a way that was romantic. I said usually I would meet up with that person for coffee and talk to them about it. Now this has only really happened twice and in both cases the guy wasn't interested in the same way. Which is fine even though at the time it was upsetting.

My brother had some interesting advice 'you never tell the other person what you want because then they won't want to give it to you. It's all about the approach, the dance.'

My response was that 'you want sex, I want love' (not that there is anything wrong with either of those things.) He laughed at that and the conversation topic changed but I have been thinking about this now for a while. It's true I am very much to the point with people but I do know to have some tact when I'm talking to people. But really when it comes to sex my brother has had many causal relationships with many different women. On the other hand I'm much more reserved and I would rather have someone special then just a one night stand. It's just not me to do that. That being said I do get a fair amount of attention (not to brag) from both men and women (I'm bisexual).

So I was wondering what did people on here think, is it better to just tell the person you like that you like them or not?

[Mo]

I think it will serve you better, in the long run, to be open about your feelings and desires with a partner or potential partner. It makes sense to be open with someone about your feelings and check in to see if they're feeling the same way, especially if you're having dates through apps where you're both specifically trying to see if you feel compatible or not. As you say, being direct doesn't mean you aren't speaking tactfully or kindly; I think it's a pretty courteous way to communicate with someone.

To be honest, what your brother said is a bit worrisome to me. If a person thinks "I'd be interested if I didn't know how you felt, but now that I know you have romantic feelings for me, I don't want to date you," that sounds like someone who you'd be better off not dating anyway! Someone doesn't have to feel the same way you do, but if they just don't want to know how you're feeling at all they might not be mature enough to be having healthy relationships at all right now.

[DarkLady]

Hi Mo

Thank you for the feedback. I think the problem is my brother's relationships have always been casual. He meets girls he typically does it on nights out. These things don't tend to last very long. I think he was talking more about flirting with women on nights out then dating.

But if I wanted a one night stand I would be out at the club not on dating apps. When he said I should not say tell them what I want I had a rather uncomfortable jolt. I don't think he intended for that. He's not a bad guy and never would hurt someone but I will take what he says with a nice helping of salt.

[thewrit3r]

I just wanted to add that even if your brother's in causal relationships, I still think being upfront with people with what you want (in a tactful way, as you said above) would end up being more enjoyable for both parties involved. I would think knowing what feels good to the other person and vice versa would make sex more enjoyable.

[DarkLady]

I completely agree, that's probably why his relationship always fizzle out because he's not open with what he wants and feels but you have to let people learn these things on their own.

[Kristy]

I think it's good for you to take your brother's advice with a mountain of salt, since it seems like he's looking for something else that you aren't. For some people--especially people who are not looking to develop serious relationships--part of the fun is the flirting, and part of the flirting (for them) is the game, the 'dance' as he calls it. All the fun goes out of it when there's no more mystery, no more back-and-forth. But, in anything that's looking to head to a relationship, not only is forthright honesty usually (if not always) best, it's also easiest, since it cuts out so much drama. It seems that your brother is speaking from his own perspective without taking into account that not everyone in the world thinks like him.

[DarkLady]

@Kristy

Thank you for your feedback, you've summed it up rather nicely. I think that really is the case here. He wants something complete different to what I want. I want a committed relationship whereas he wants to just have fun. Both of which are fine. I guess I just felt rather put off by what he said because it wasn't taking my views on the matter into account.

[Redskies]

It definitely doesn't feel good if it seems like the other person isn't taking on what we're saying at all! I'm sorry you had that experience with your brother, DarkLady, and I'm glad you're figuring out what seems right to you about mystery vs. plain-speaking

I'd like to add that

you never tell the other person what you want because then they won't want to give it to you

is deeply dysfunctional and impractical in all circumstances, including casual hook-ups and casual flirting. For sure, there's a big range of personal preferences in how much mystery and "dance" is fun and how much is confusing in casual interactions. But, for a flirtation to even happen, both people have to be at least aware that the other person might be flirting with them - otherwise the whole interaction isn't going to even get started! A personal preference for a lot of "mystery" and "dance" in flirtation is absolutely fine - but it would be disingenuous for anyone to claim that they're communicating nothing of what they want, because a flirtation can't happen without both people being aware at least of "maybe-possibly this person is interested in me?!"

That kind of thought seems to come from the same species of thought as "only wanting what the other person doesn't want" - eg, "I did want to kiss you, but now I know you want to, I don't want to any more" - so, the speaker only wants to kiss someone where consent is unknown? That's all kinds of ungood. Very much along the lines of Mo's reaction above, this is the kind of person and attitude I would want to stay well away from in all circumstances, for my safety.

This kind of myth - that being open about what you want is unattractive, and that giving the other person what they want (if you want it too!) will make them lose interest - is sadly pretty common, so it's unsurprising that people pick it up and think this is the way to be. There's whole dating manuals based on this warped idea But it's riddled with problems, and it's not a way for anyone to end up happy, rewarded or safe, in the long- or short-term.

[DarkLady]

@Redskies

Thank you for your feedback. I agree with you. I don't really understand how my brother can approach a woman without some for of communication, even if that communication is not verbal it is still there. Personally if me being forward takes the mystery out of it for someone maybe I would be far better off with someone who prefers a person to be upfront. Lord and Lady knows I don't like hints just say what you want. I much prefer plain speaking over that. Anyway why would someone who had feelings for you suddenly change their minds once they know you feel the same way? The whole thing sounds very illogical and does not make any sense.