gynecologist with mom

[OGW]

I'm twenty years old and I'm bisexual. Recently I've started a relationship with a person of my gender and came out to my parents. My dad took it very well but my mom... not so much. She has gone as far as calling me an "anomaly", "a mistake", screaming at me, demanded me to break up with my girlfriend, and you know, all that good stuff.

The thing is that I want to have sexual relationships with my partner. I'm a little bit of a late bloomer, I haven't have any romantic relationships before this one, and I hadn't had sex before. I have been dating my current partner for two months and some sexual touches have happend, but I think I would like to consult a gynecologist before taking it any further. And here is where my problem comes.

You see, my mom insists that visiting a gynecologist is something important and that you shouldn't go to someone you don't know or haven't been recommended to. I have no experience in this matter, the only time I visited a gynecologist was when I got my first period, when I was thirteen. I barely remember the experience. So since I'm pretty much in the dark on this subject, I have no other option but to trust her. She wants me to go to her personal gynecologist - which is overall fine by me. But then... she wants to stay with me during the consultation, which makes me feel really uncomfortable. I want to ask about protection in f/f sex and that kind of stuff, and I don't want my mom hearing about it. She has expressed many times in rather aggressive manners how against homosexual relationships she is. And whether it was about same sex relationship or heterosexual relationships, I just feel uncomfortable having my mother witnessing every question -sexual question- I might ask the gynecologist.

I feel it should be my privacy, but she says it is normal and even necessary to have someone else with you at least the first time you go to the gynecologist because otherwise you might be taken advantage of. I have asked her to let me go alone and she has categorically refused to let me.

I guess my question boils down to this: is it normal to have your mom go with you the first time to a gynecologist? Does the fact that she is against my homosexuality change something?

[thewrit3r]

First off, I just want to say that I'm sorry your mom hasn't been accepting of your sexuality. What she's saying to you is completely wrong. No one deserves to have their sexuality invalidated. There's nothing wrong with you, which I'm sure you already know, but I just want to reinforce that your mother has a problem, and she's projecting her own problems onto you and your relationships and that's not right at all.

Secondly, I can't answer your question on whether it's normal or not to have a parent in the room, but it seems to me the bigger issue here is what your mother is telling you.

Choosing a gynecologist is YOUR decision. When it concerns you medically it is your decision, not your mother's. I don't know what she meant by it being "necessary" for someone to come with you at an appointment. It's not. It's completely your decision. And the being taken advantage of part - it almost sounds like your mother is patronizing you more so than trying to help you. You're an adult; you have the right to make your own decisions on these matters. And I think it's safe to say you're mature enough that, if you are taken advantage of, no matter the situation, you will do something about it to put an end to it. And you don't have to go to your mother's gyn, and she certainly doesn't have to be in the room when it happens. You are an adult, and even if you were still a minor, when you get to be a certain age doctors aren't required to have parents in the room when examining patients. Sometimes they even ask parents to leave the room since it's your appointment, not the parent's. What you discuss with them is completely confidential in seldom cases - if something potentially poses harm to yourself or others.

I'm not trying to make your mother out to be the bad guy, but from the homophobic things she's said to you and the other things you mentioned, I have the impression that she's trying to control your life. This is especially confusing to me given your age. I'm not saying it would be apppropraite to do to a child but as an adult you have your own responsibilities and decisions you make independent of your mother. Legally, you are an adult and you are entitled to certain privileges. Even if you're still living with her /under her insurance/dependent on her in any way, she has no right to treat you with anything other than respect. And respect includes privacy. You're right, you DO have the right to privacy, regardless of what your mother says.

I'm curious, does she seem to want to control other aspects of your life? You mentioned her hostility towards your sexuality and her supposed "rules" about seeing a gynecologist. Has she imposed any other sorts of "rules" on you in your life?

[OGW]

She has, sometimes. There are rules which I have always followed- until recently launched. It's sort of a recurrent theme between us. I still live with her (I'm my country that's normal at my age), so defining the limits of my freedom and her reign over me sometimes becomes hard. We end up having nasty fights about it.

I mainly asked this question because sometimes I fear I might be getting paranoid with the whole "you are trying to control me when I am twenty years old mom". Like, I fear to be seeing her control everywhere. So I wanted to check if going to the gyn for the first time with your mom was something normal or not.

Thank you so much for your answer and your kindness. Your words are very well received. I never thought she was being patronizing... I always took it as her being overprotective (which is one of the problems we have). But now that you say it, I should definitely analyze that possibility.

Once again thank you very much for your kindness. It's definitely helpful. I never thought my mom would take the news about my non-straightness so bad; she always preached about being open-minded... so kind words like these help me build up my strength.

Thank you very much!

[al]

Hi OGW,

I'd just like to jump in here and echo the things that thewrit3r has said - there seems to be a pattern happening in your description of your relationship with your mom and this gynecologist situation in which you're getting told "the way things are" rather than you getting asked how you'd like things to be.
Writ3r's right in that a decision to go to the gynecologist, what questions to ask, and what types of things happen in the exam room are completely up to you, not your mom. You're an adult and you're allowed to make those decisions for yourself, and as they added, even if you weren't 18 in a lot of places the doctor might ask your mother to leave the room. They do that precisely because young people might be less honest about their activity and risk and knowledge if their parent is present, and they want to make sure that they best serve their patient - you.

For me personally, my mom drove me to and from the appointment, and talked with me about what it would be like, but didn't actually come into the room with me. I know people who have had a family member or friend or even partner come for comfort - it all depends on what would make you most comfortable.
As for what your mom said about needing to be there or else you'd be taken advantage of - that seems to me a little like a scare tactic rather than an act of caring or protection. The reality is that most gynecologists and medical providers are kind people who know a lot and want to help you be the best you can be. There are certain things to expect from a first-time gynecological visit (a pretty good list of which you can read here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... gist_visit), but one of the things that I really encourage people to look for in a provider is that they explain first. Anybody that's going to be interacting with your body in a way more than your average barista should talk to you about what they're going to do and what to expect beforehand, double checking that you're comfortable and asking if you have questions all along the way. If you walk in and they don't introduce themselves, try to get to know you a little bit, or explain what's going to happen during your appointment (or heaven forbid you get any sort of a patronizing/authoritarian/icky vibe), you have every right to walk away right then and there, because you should be able to feel totally comfortable and in control throughout the entire experience. Doctors should earn your trust rather than you automatically having to trust them based on their authority! (I should make that into a T shirt).

What would it be like to talk to your mother about how you feel or asking for her to make the appointment but not attend with you? Alternatively, are there alternate clinics that you could get to on your own?

I'm really glad that you've taken the time to think about what it means for your mother to be inserting herself into your life in this way, and what you'd like to do to take care of your sexual health. That takes guts.

[thewrit3r]

You're very welcome. The right word I may have been looking for was what al said - the whole thing about your mother saying she needed to be at the appointment with you sounded more like a scare tactic than genuine concern. It just sounds like your mother is trying to control aspects of your life which really are your decisions to make, and I was just concerned because that's definitely not a healthy thing to do. Of course you know your mother better than I do, but from what you wrote it sounds like something you may have been thinking about already.

You'll have to forgive me for my assumption that you lived in the United States - I see now that you live in Argentina. I am not sure how the laws are there concerning anything medical but I still would think you are allowed a degeee of privacy. And since you are in an adult, you're entitled to certain privileges like I mentioned earlier. And this is your apppointment, not hers, so you should be able to make your own decisions regarding your health.

I was wondering if it's possible you could speak to your dad about this? You said he was more accepting of your sexuality. Is he less judgmental? Do you thing he'd be willing to help make the appointment while also respecting your privacy to not attend the room? I can see how thar suggestion could be potentially awkward since he's your dad and you're going to see a gynecologist, but this is about your health, and if you feel more comfortable with him I wasn't sure if it was possible or not if he could be someone to turn to about this, too.

[OGW]

Thank you very much, thewrit3r and al, for your answers and kind words.

I will try to speak with my mom again and see if I can make her understand that she knowing about my sexual experience really makes me uncomfortable and that I would rather be at the consultation alone. I will also look into other options with my father's health insurance. I'm also definitely checking that article about gyn visits; thank you so much for suggesting it, al!

Lastly, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. As I said, this is new for me so I felt in the dark with this subject, which left me in a really upsetting position. Now I feel more confident about the whole situation, and about telling my mom once again that this is my privacy and she should respect it.

Thank you very much!!

[thewrit3r]

You're welcome!

[Kristy]

I completely second everything that has been said so far. I would like to add another possibility for finding a gynecologist--does your partner have one? Is this something you can ask about with female friends of yours? You would still have to check if these gyns work with your father's health insurance, but it can be nice to get personal recommendations--it can make it much less nerve-racking if someone you know has been and had a good experience.