Scarleteen

My boyfriend of 3 years and I have been fighting a lot recently. Last night we were arguing over a girl, and it lasted until this morning. Right as we had stopped fighting he was in summer school and a girl had told him I sent her boyfriend nudes last year in December. This wasn't true, all of this happened in September of last year while we were broken up for 2-3 weeks while he was going to see other girls and touching them, telling me he doesn't want me and doesn't want to be with me, which spiraled me into a huge depression. It was a huge mistake on my part and it's one of my biggest regrets I've ever had. However, my boyfriend has had many faults during our relationship with other girls, I really have not. I've never cheated, anything that has happened happened while we were broken up even though I understand it is still not okay. Nothing was ever physical, no sex, nothing. This girl found out in December even though it happened in September. No one knew that they were dating because they were very lowkey and I felt awful knowing I caused another girl pain that I have felt before. She found out through one of my close friends and I made sure that person told the girl I was very sorry with all of my heart because I truly was. She always said she didn't blame me. I stopped talking to her boyfriend even though throughout the rest of the school year he was very rude to me when he did say something. My boyfriend, or now ex boyfriend has been telling me he hates me and doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me and nothing can fix this but I can't let him go. When I lose him I feel like my whole world is crumbling down and I know I need him. I love him so much, and I don't know why he's not willing to try and work on forgiving me because I did all of that for him when he made way more worse mistakes. I understand what I did was wrong, but it was a long time ago and I learned that I shouldn't jump the gun and believe that we're over right away and I've never done that again. This situation was almost a year ago and he still doesn't want to be with me. I feel so helpless. I have no one to talk to. I've tried talking to my friends and they refused to be there for me even though I do everything to try and be there for them. I tried looking at hotlines and none seem to help. We've been fighting so much and I've been mean because of my hurt and I need to tell him I love him and hear it back. He's made many mistakes and I've made some but they've never been like this. I really need advice on how to keep him because I can't lose him. Please help me.

Welcome to the boards! Although I'm sorry that it's being in such a tough place that's brought you here.

First, I don't think you did anything wrong by connecting with another guy while you and your boyfriend were broken up. It's not wrong to flirt with, date, or be sexual with someone else when you're broken up with someone. Sometimes people get upset about it, especially if it's soon after a breakup, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. If we're broken up with someone, that means that our relationship agreements with them are over, so it's not wrong to behave as if we're not in a relationship with them, because we're not.

Your ex-boyfriend is allowed to feel however he feels about it, because that's just how feelings are. But you don't actually have anything to apologise for or to make up for.

Now, about the relationship with your ex-boyfriend and what you were actually asking.
I wish I were able to give you the answer you're looking for, because I can hear how very much you're hurting and how very alone you feel. But I wouldn't be able to give that kind of answer to anyone who asked what you have here, because when someone says they don't want to be with us, there is nothing that can be done to fix that. I'm so sorry. I know that's very hard to hear, and even harder to accept.

What I can say instead is:
You are worthy of being loved.
I promise.
What your ex-boyfriend thinks of you or says to you is not a comment on your worth or on your loveability. You are loveable, and you can be loved.

You deserve better than being with someone who says they hate you. We all deserve better than that! Being with someone who doesn't want to be with us isn't a way to be happy. Rather, it's a guaranteed way of being very unhappy. I want better than that for you!

Can you have a read of Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking ? Are there things there that help you, or give you some different thoughts?

I'm really sorry to hear that your friends weren't able to support you. That always makes something like this feel extra-extra tough. I'm glad you've found Scarleteen and we're happy to be here for you in the ways that we can be. Is there anyone else in your life - maybe a friend you haven't seen in a while, a family member, a teacher, ...? - who you might be able to talk to about feeling so alone?