Scarleteen

Hey all! Longtime reader here asking my first forum question. Thanks for all your work, everyone!!!

Here's the short version: I feel like I need to pee almost constantly during sex, even though I've just peed and don't feel particularly anxious and even when my bladder is not being directly stimulated. I basically want a pee-feeling-suppressant pill. But failing that, I would love advice that is more specific than "relax, and keep relaxing, because it takes time." I've been trying to relax for years. If this blurb is all you have time to read, it's still ok with me if you answer with relevant info! That's why I wrote a short version!

Here's more detail for the intrepid:

Some background details: I'm in my 20s, transmasc, with a transmasc partner. I just learned to orgasm a couple years ago using a vibrator. I can also get there with my fingers sometimes. I've never orgasmed due to stimulation by a partner. My boyfriend and I aren't fixated on "eating the whole pizza" -- what we do feels really good, and we incorporate the vibrator so I can get off -- but it would be amazing for both of us if he could get me there, so that's a low-key goal. I think my hormone status is relevant, so: I was on T for a few years, have been on and off for a few years, and am now completely off. I don't super want to go on again, but I miss the libido boost I think it gave me. Also -- during sex isn't the only time I have an anxious need to pee feeling: I often feel like I need to go if I know I won't have a chance for a while.

Anyway, I've been thinking of asking for advice for a while, because the situation is frustrating. I don't feel particularly anxious during sex and have very little dysphoria, so I'm not sure why my body has high-anxiety responses like tensing up and needing to pee. I know it's normal to feel bladder pressure during penetrative sex, but even when receiving oral sex, I almost constantly feel the need to pee. It's not my orgasm building -- I know what that feels like -- and I suppose that it could be some sort of ejaculate building, but it feels really bad. I wouldn't much care if I actually did pee (we have a mattress pad) but I can't concentrate on the nice sensations because of the constant, nagging pressure. Even if I did pee right beforehand, or take a break from sex to pee (and lose the moment), it's right back again.

Last night after lots of foreplay we tried some penetration with fingers (which I have very little experience with because it was too painful to bother with until I started having sex my current partner, who's figured out how to stimulate me without touching my fourchette [which is irritated for possibly hormonal reasons that I'm now using a prescribed cream for]). He did something different than usual and it simultaneously felt incredibly amazing and ... like I urgently needed to pee. We even took an extra pee break (the fourth in half an hour). No help. Then I started to cry, which actually felt pretty okay, but was alarming to my partner. I think it was just frustration, but it also felt weirdly physiological. As soon as we stopped I stopped needing to pee.

This doesn't feel normal, and even if it is normal, it doesn't feel okay. It feels unfair and stupid. I can't help but think that if cis men had this problem as frequently as people with bodies more like mine do, there would already be pills with huge marketing campaigns. Maybe there is a medical solution, but the gyno I saw for my fourchette didn't happen to know about one. I understand potentially medical advice can be legally and ethically tricky, but I'd like some general pointers about finding a medical solution that MIGHT POSSIBLY work for me if you can provide it. I'd also love more specific advice about any other way to relax and vanquish the pee urge. And sympathy. My partner has been hugely supportive but he doesn't have this problem, and I don't really talk about sex with my friends, so I feel pretty alone.

Thanks everyone!

Have you already had a general healthcare appointment about this -- to do things like rule out or identify health conditions that can cause this kind of feeling like interstitial cystitis -- first? Not about something else, about this specifically?

If not, that's going to be the best place for you to start. If your healthcare provider or team checks things out and says there doesn't appear to be anything causing this health-wise, then it makes sense for us to try and look at other possibilities.

My sympathies, by the way. As someone who struggled with chronic UTIs for years, I know how deeply ARGGGGGGGGGHHHH-inducing feeling like you have to pee all the time can be!

Thanks for replying, Heather! I haven't had an appointment specifically about this, just brought it up during another appointment. I can't really afford doctor's appointments for minor issues, but if it doesn't get any better I'll definitely go back to the clinic about it and I'll update this thread. Thanks again!

Hi beachraccoon,

If funds are tight, one option is to investigate clinics in your area that have sliding scales for fees. For example, a fair number of sexual health clinics will do a sliding scale to help people access care. Fingers crossed that you can find one (or that this issue stops)!