Doubt

[chuchita]

Hi! I've been with my boyfriend for a year and four months and I need some advice! Okay, so first of all, I met my boyfriend because I was hanging out with some friends and he was there. He is a really shy person, like one of the most shy persons I've met so he didn't talk to me. But he started talking to me on FB . Then it was Christmas holidays and we talked and talked and talked every day on textos (my Christmas holidays are a month long). I started liking him. And I was really happy because we talked about serious stuff, about life, our vision, our fears and everything. So then after Christmas holidays, I came back to college (another town away from mine). But I don't know how and why, but I didn't want to see him back to college. I wasn't that excited than before. I didn't understand myself at all. Then I saw him, we saw each other with friends and alone for two weeks and then we started dating. During those two weeks, I talked to some friends about my feelings and they mostly judge me to still see him. One of my friends told a lot of people That I was fake and that I didn't love him. I just told her that I was insecure about everything but she just talked in my back, it really hurted my feelings. Whatever people told me , i started dating him. It was a really hard time for me because 1. One of my best friends didn't accept my relationship and 2. before I started dating my boyfriend(like 4 months before), I met a guy and we really liked each other, i must say that we had a big connection, we worked together (in the summer) and we had lots of fun. We were suppose to date but we don't study in the same city so he said he didn't want to date someone away from him. I was really sad but I accepted his decision and I decided to turn the page. But when I started to date my boyfriend, I often thought of the other guy, and I was often comparing my boyfriend to this guy and the feelings I had for this guy and it really hurted me, I couldn't be fully in my relationship with all of those thoughts and all the guilt. I cried a lot for a lot of months. The fact that I didn't have "honeymoon feelings" with my boyfriend scared me and still sometimes. I just started to like him and to know him better. My boyfriend is a great guy. Honestly he respects me and when he doesn't, he really works on him, he have changed a lot since we started dating, he does really care about me. He believes a lot in our relationship and he's ready to do a lot for me and for us. Honestly for me that's enough to fall in love with someone. But I don't know why, but with him, it is different, like we have small issues but I see them big and I hate that. Like his jokes, sometimes I find them really boring or not funny, and just that, it really hurts me because I want to accept his bad jokes and just have fun with him. Sometimes I am not patient with him and it hurts me. I feel like I don't love him the right way and it hurts me so badly. The first months were hard. But now I don't think at all about nobody else and I feel better. But sometimes when we fight I feel insecure again and I start asking myself questions about my decision. I need to know what my feelings are, what am I doing wrong? Thanks for the help and sorry it is a long text.

[Sam W]

Hi Chuchita,

You're not actually doing anything wrong, and plenty of people have been in this situation before you. It sounds like you think your boyfriend is a great guy. It also sounds a little like you're dating him because you feel like you should, and not necessarily because you feel a lot of attraction to him. Does that sound accurate?

Can I ask if you feel happy or are getting a lot of enjoyment out of this relationship? Like, when you think about spending time with your boyfriend, what's the first emotion you feel?

[chuchita]

Hi thanks for replying me! well, I must say that I enjoy being with him and talking to him, he is the person that knows me the better so I trust him a lot and he also became my bestfriend so I enjoy being with him! What makes me unhappy, it is my insecurity... it scares me to feel insecure because I don't want to lie to him and say that everything is fine ...it hurts me when I dislike something that he does because he accepts all of my personality and I feel like I am not doing that.. I also had a lot of difficulty sexually, because all of my insecurity stressed me out, so when we made love, it was hard for me to just let it go and enjoy. thank you very much

[Sam W]

It sounds like a next step is for you to talk to him about how you're feeling. That might feel daunting, but if you talk with him about what's going on you two may be able to address some of the things making you feel insecure. I'd add that, since he sounds like he cares about you, he likely wants to know if something is wrong . Do you feel like you have a sense of how to have that conversation?

It's also okay (and completely normal) to dislike things that your partner does. Even with people we love, we won't love every single thing about them. Odds are that there are one or two things that you do that aren't his favorite (that's meant to be comforting, not as an insult). It's up to each of us to decide when the things we dislike outweigh the things we do like about a partner enough to end a relationship.

[chuchita]

Hi I am sorry, I didn't reply for a long time! Thanks again for replying me! Well, to answer your question, we have talked about this topic many times, but both of us feel really unpowerful... he tries to calm me, but we are both really sad when we talk about that. We are actually having a rough time and it is just hard to be secure of what we want (especially me). I just wish I could understand my feeling better! Thanks you for all the advices

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Do you find that these feelings of doubt and insecurity pop up in other parts of your life? Or do they only happen in your relationship with him?

[chuchita]

Hi! Well, I can be insecure but most of the time I try to figure out why I am insecure and try to find a solution. The thing is that I've never been insecure about my feelings for someone else and it really scares me because this time is different. I am a really intense person, and when I want to be with someone, I know it and I feel it. I've been with some boys that didn't want more than casual dates and I was able to deal with that and not feel confused about my feelings. In the other hand, I've been with guys who wanted something and I knew my feelings for them (even if it never worked out). But now I am with someone who respects me, someone that I want in my life and I just don't feel those romantic feelings like the other guys (when we started to talk yes, and when we started dating but it didn't last long) . Also, since I am with my boyfriend, I feel more insecure about me because I feel a lot of stress of not being able to understand my feelings... I read some questions from other users and I read about romantic feelings. It is interesting, but I just can't understand why with him it is different...
Thank you again! ps: I just wanted to say that I really love this website, the idea is great! You're doing a great job really!

[Sam W]

You're welcome! I do want to say that, if at any point you decide that the lack of those intense feelings is making you stressed or unhappy, it's okay to end this relationship. Your boyfriend can be a perfectly good guy and you can enjoy some facets of the relationship and still decide that it's best to end things. The relationship may simply have run it's course, and there's nothing wrong with that.