Scarleteen

Hey folks, I have a problem.
Or, what might be a problem, I'm not sure yet.
So to preface, I met this girl about a month ago and shes so sweet and caring and beautiful and wise and great and she likes me too!!! crazy anyways we started dating after knowing each other for a week and its been so lovely and she just makes me smile all the time. This obviously is not a problem, the problem arose when she came to sleepover one a couple nights ago. We were messing around that night and had gotten each other pretty worked up, for me to the point where it felt like i had to climax, but what she was doing wasnt enough to make me climax on its own. So i got up and began to masturbate thinking it would only be a few seconds until i came but i couldnt, i just wasnt aroused enough. Which made me feel awful, because shes so wonderful and i didnt want to make her feel like i didnt find her sexually attractive, which i do, but i couldnt climax, and eventually i just gave up. We talked about it and she said she didnt care at all, which made me feel a little better, but then that morning after she left i masturbated on my own and i climaxed with no issue! And when we had talked about it before i thought that maybe pornography was to blame, as i usually watch porn when i masturbate and i know that there have been studies saying that habitual porn consumption makes it difficult to climax without porn, but i realized that even without porn, just masturbating to my own fantasies (ABOUT OTHER GIRLS) was enough. So right now i'm stuck because i don't know what to do. I hate thinking about other girls when i masturbate, and i realize the reason why those fantasies work and fantasies about my GIRLFRIEND WHOM I LOVE AND CHERISH dont is because with these girls its all up to my imagination to create a fantasy specifically tailored to what i like, whereas with my girlfriend nothing is up to the imagination, and for some reason that just isnt enough wiggle room for me i guess.
Anyways im just stuck,
i am sexually attracted to my girlfriend, but not as much as i have been to other girls in the past?? and she deserves better then that so i need some help.
Thank you
Sam

Hi Sam_

I do want to say that it's pretty common for people to use images or ideas other than their real-life partner when they masturbate. It doesn't mean they don't love or aren't attracted to their partner. Our brains like novelty and mixing things up, so fantasizing about something new or unrealistic can be part of what's pleasurable about masturbation.

One thing to try, either with masturbation or with your partner if you try doing sexual stuff again, is to focus less on climaxing and more on what feels good. Sometimes, if you put to much pressure on yourself to climax you get stressed out, which makes it harder to climax. Does that make sense?

Hi,

Sam pretty much summed up what I was going to say about sexual attraction, but I thought I'd still add my two cents:

Sexual attraction doesn't have to equal romantic attraction. While you may be turned on by your fantasies of women in porn/in your mind you probably don't feel the emotional connection you feel to your girlfriend. You don't really care about the girls in the fantasies, it's just a physical reaction but it's not something that means much else than that. Which is fine and is the whole point of fantasies. It's nothing to feel guilty about.


If you want you could always interact with your girlfriend in different ways than just sexually, if you were using sex partially for intimacy. There are plenty of romantic things you could do with her - kissing, cuddling, going out to the movies, etc. - that are other ways of showing you care about her. I'm not sure if that would help you feel better but you could always try it. Remember, sex doesn't equate to closeness in relationships - there are so many other factors in relationships that bond you to another person and enjoy their company.

One last note, I saw you wrote that you've heard porn can desensitize you. I really don't know if that's true or not, and I honestly would take those kinds of things with a grain of salt, especially if you read it online because some people say all sorts of things without actually knowing if they're true or not.

thanks guys,
Sam, I think you may be right about focusing on climax, this was the first time we've had real uninterrupted time to mess around so i think there was an expectation that one of us would come. And Writer my main worry is that the novelty and crazyness of my fantasies could make it difficult for me to enjoy just regular, vanilla sex with my girlfriend.
Sam

Hi sam_

In my experience, a healthy enjoyment of your own fantasies, doesn't tend to detract from what you enjoy about another person. That's not to say things can't change anyway but it won't have been your fault for having fantasies.

I guess they're different genres of pleasure... so just because you saw a really great horror film on your own, doesn't mean you stop enjoying watching comedies with your friends. Or just because you have eaten a lot of cake it doesn't stop you from liking pizza.