Scarleteen

When I was dating my exboyfriend i stayed the night with him at his cousins and we slept on the couch together. We hadn't been dating long but he put his hand in my pants, I didn't know what was happening so I tried to pretend I was sleeping then he put his hand in my underwear and I grabbed his wrist, then he said "shh trust me" and forced his hand loose. He started to finger me and I fought him and told him to stop I pushed his hand, moved around but with no give. He continued to finger me and it hurt. All I could do was look at the clock and wait for it to end.. almost 4 hours of fighting and discomfort and he finally stopped without a word after. My body hurt the next day and he didn't say a word about it.
After we broke up, i told my new boyfriend what had happened, but with less detail because I'm embarrassed and when he confronted my ex he denied it ever happening. This was almost 5 years ago but I can't ever forget that night. Was it rape? What do I do now?

Hi d8956!

Rape seems to be the word you are gravitating towards yourself and I'd say that is an accurate way to describe it.

That was a horrible thing for your ex to do, and it's no wonder that you struggle with the memory of it.

In terms of what to do, one of the things with surviving rape or assault is that you aren't under any obligation to do anything. So that can bring a combination of feeling a bit lost, while on the other hand maybe feeling less pressure to have a solution, it'll effect different people differently.

Really the most important thing to come out of all of that will be being able to focus on what you want. It might be that you just want the clarity to know you can call it rape, or it might be you have a lot of emotions that really feel like they need to be expressed, or it might be there is some legal action that it would feel positive for you to take against him. That stuff is all really individual to you and you don't need an answer to that either.

Seeing a counsellor can be a helpful way to think things through too. I'm really glad it sounds like you have some support around you now. At a time when it sounds like this memory is re-emerging for you, it's really important to be caring towards yourself however feels right to you.

Is that helpful? Is there anything you're really drawn towards?