reciprocity

[dragoness24]

Hi,

I am a little confused about reciprocity in foreplay activities (i.e. oral and manual sex).

If one partner does these activities to you, and you are okay with it, but you really don't like doing them back or don't feel ready to, are you expected to do it anyway just for your partner's pleasure? Like for example once per year on a birthday or something similar just to please them? Or should they understand you really are not comfortable and you find a compromise? If they aren't getting anything back in return is this wrong?

I have read the reciprocity page, and understand you're never obliged to do anything back, but is there anything that is considered "what normally happens" ? I am very inexperienced with all this and am just confused.

Thank you

[al]

Hi there dragoness24!

It's hard for us to answer any questions about what's "normal" in terms of how partners have sex with each other, because that tends to look different from person to person, from day to day. When people watch TV and movies, or read magazines, it can seem like there's one way that partners should have sex, and if you've never done it before, you need to learn it.
The reality is that each person is going to come to the table feeling something different on any given day. It's not as if two partners will act robotically and say "We are now going to engage in Foreplay," and then one partner gives the other manual sex, and then the other performs oral sex, then they check off the box marked Foreplay.

(*I'd also like to add that oral and manual sex aren't just considered foreplay! Obviously getting stimulated in those ways can make someone aroused and relaxed and feeling good before attempting penetration, but they can also stand alone as fun things to do that aren't necessarily stepping stones to another activity).

Rather, it's more about what each partner is feeling they want and need at the given moment. That could involve manual/oral sex for both partners, one partner, or neither of them! All depending on what they feel they'd like.
So what that requires is a little bit more communication than that Robotic Foreplay scenario that I described earlier. It could involve saying things like "What do you feel like doing tonight?" or "Can I go down on you?" or "I don't really feel like getting a blowjob right now, but I'd love it if you wanted to kiss my neck for a bit."

And for the most part, we shouldn't be agreeing to do something unless it's something that we personally want to do, rather than out of obligation, tradition, or some sort of give-and-take system. Obviously we want some semblance of equity in the relationship- that each partner is trying to give and get what they need and want, but that shouldn't involve anyone doing something that they don't want to do. There may be compromise (see neck kissing example above), but there shouldn't be an internal monologue of "Well, I don't want to give this person oral sex, but it's their birthday and I feel like I have to".

So what happens when those wants and needs don't match up? For example, if Partner A really likes to get blowjobs, but Partner B doesn't feel comfortable giving oral sex to completion/ejaculation? There are two options - Partner A can either adjust their expectations and try a different activity ("B doesn't want me to finish, so maybe they can go down on me only for as long as they feel comfortable with, and I could finish the rest"), or A and B can talk about it and decide that A may need to get that need filled elsewhere. The idea of asserting this might sound a little intimidating, but ultimately it's about each person's right to express their needs/wants and having them respected and met. Anyone that hears you say you're not comfortable or don't feel like doing something and tries to push you to do it anyway isn't respecting your wants and needs, and should be shown the door immediately. There are infinite people in the world, and there will always be others who are willing to be respectful of your needs and communicate with you so you can both feel good inside and out.

I wrote a lot out here, I hope that those examples I gave make sense. It might sound a little vague or intimidating at first, but communicating about sexual preferences is a skill that takes practice, and that literally everyone is continuing to work on throughout their lives. Thinking about this stuff and asking these questions is the first step!

[dragoness24]

That's really helpful, thank you so much !

I guess I only ask because my (now ex) boyfriend and I broke up over this (after 4 months) situation. I felt like he was pressuring me to do things I wasn't really ready for on him (hand and blowjobs) - it was only verbal (he said he didn't feel like he was getting anything back - he would finger me, but I hadn't plucked up enough courage to handjob back), but I did realise it was starting to feel uncomfortable and that it was making me feel really stressed. I had already gotten quite upset over being in my underwear in front of him - he hadn't forced me to do that, it was my choice/idea when that happened, but I feel once I had started getting really upset I just shouldn't have done it. To also be clear, he did tell me it was fine to stop if I wasn't okay (once he could see I wasn't happy) but I get really headstrong sometimes. I was okay being topless in front of him, it was just the lower half I was more anxious of. And the second time I got down to being in 'bikini' stage with him it was fine, it was just that initial first go at it where I got really upset/anxious.

We did talk over things because I don't really have experience of hand/blowjobs, and penis anatomy is not really something I had encountered in a while, which did really help, but I still felt really pressured because he put timeframes on when he thought things would happen by. One evening he got grumpy that nothing had happened for him when I went over to his flat (through one rather passive aggressive comment), so I brought up how I felt about everything, and then even though he apologised (inc. his comment about the timeframes) and said he was okay with waiting, he still proceeded to blank me for a week (whilst he was away on a work trip), and then we broke up when he got back. I was fully ready to break up with him because it was unreasonable to blank me, and he thought what I had told him made him unhappy so he wanted to break up. I knew sex was important to him from when we first started dating, but he had said he was okay with waiting, which was why I felt comfortable with dating him. I just didn't realise it was such a dealbreaker for him in the end after such a short time.

But now the only problem is I'm afraid my hesitance over all this stuff is just going to affect me in the future with other people I date. I'm better at talking about it now it's been 3 months since the drama, but I just don't want to have to touch or lick someone's penis. I'd be fine with actually sleeping with someone, its just the hand/mouth 'penis engagement' that I'm not so keen on. Your comment about finding a compromise is a valid point, but I'm just worried I'll lose someone else through being nervous again, or if they view my preferences as one sided. Is all this really about finding the right person to have a relationship with who understands your views?

[Sam W]

Hi Dragoness,

You've said it exactly right yourself: this is about finding someone who respects your boundaries and preferences when it comes to sex. Your boundaries and preference don't even have to perfectly align with theirs for the relationship to work. There may be things that your partner enjoys but are a no-go for you, or activities that you like but that squick your partner out. Part of sexual communication is letting each other know what those boundaries are and finding activities that you both enjoy and are comfortable with. True, there may be such a mismatch in your desires that sexual compatibility is a struggle and it's best to end the relationship. But there are still tons of ways to be sexual with a partner that don't require to disregard your own boundaries. Does that make sense?

Too, there really isn't a timeline when it comes to sexual activities. It sounds like you ex had a narrative in his head about when certain sexual things would happen, but the real world is more complicated than that. People move at different paces in terms of their comfort with different sexual things, and that pace can vary depending on how they feel about the person they're being sexual with.

[dragoness24]

Okay I see, that's helpful! Thank you.

And yes, that does make sense, although would you mind giving me a few examples?

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

Sure! Let's say two partners are talking through something like our Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist . One of them is definite "no" on oral sex of any kind, and the other is a definite "no" on manual sex of any kind but likes oral sex just fine. Even with two activities completely off the table and some mismatch in preferences, there are still plenty of activities on that list where they overlap in their "yeses" or where one of them is a "yes" and the other is willing to give that activity a try. They're enjoying sexual experiences together without anyone having to an activity that makes them uncomfortable.

[dragoness24]

Thanks for this - I wish I had seen this a few months ago, maybe it would have helped me to understand everything better. I've learnt for next time.

Thank you so much for your help !

[Sam W]

You're so welcome