Scarleteen

The big day for me is right around the corner: My 16th birthday. This means that I will legally be old enough in my state to consent to sexual activity with anybody older than me. My intense desire to share my sex with other human beings hasn't gone away since I hit puberty in my early teens. I actually want to have sex. I'm not being pressured by any exterior influences or situations. I have written up an authentic list of my own sexual needs. I would like some advice on how to talk to my family about what we can do and places to go to find compatible sex partners. I know I put up a discussion here before, but this time, I would some advice on how to get certain family members and other trusted people involved to help increase my chances of getting what I want and it satisfying my desires.

Personally, I feel like this is one of those things where you really don't want to involve your family much so that everyone in a family can have some healthy boundaries. Families helping other families seek out sex partners is just an awful lot of families not being able to have much in the way of personal boundaries, and that rarely goes well.

Okay. I would like to get just one family member involved in helping me seek out relationships and I have some in mind. What I feel I really need is environments where I can have my sexuality addressed upfront rather than places I go to pursue other interests and maybe running into someone who's interested in sex as well. I want to form relationships in environments where sex is the main thing so I don't have to form a bond based on something else and wait a long time for both of us to be ready only to muck it up. When sex is put first, it would be much easier for me to perform and focus on all there is to make sex as safe and satisfying as possible. I would like to talk to just one family member, but how should I bring it up because my family is very quiet about sexuality?

I feel like I might be confused about what you're looking for from your family here. Can you paint me a picture of what this might look like; what you're wanting?

For example, let's say a sibling is who you are asking for help to seek out an sexual relationship or partner: what, specifically are you asking them for? Are they taking you somewhere? Or introducing you socially? Being a sounding board...?

I would like to talk about how I would like best to seek out relationships within an environment solely designed for that purpose without making it sound so far-fetched. I would like this family member to help me in giving me an area where sexuality is addressed. I have talked about girlfriends (but not sex or sex partners) with this person before but it kept annoying them and I didn't (and still don't) know how to talk about it in a way that won't bother or annoy them, especially since I would like to put sex in the conversation.

If you feel like this particular person has been frustrated or annoyed when you've talked about dating or girlfriends before, they may not be the best audience for this conversation, but I think all you can do, when talking to them or anyone else, is give it a try and see how they respond. With any topic of conversation, there's no real way to guarantee that the person you're talking to responds positively or isn't annoyed by the discussion, but I think being direct and asking if they're up for discussing this with you is a good way to start.

As Heather said above, talking with a family member about how to seek out sexual relationships or find sex-oriented social spaces is going to feel uncomfortable or boundary-crossing for a lot of people, so I think that's something to be prepared for. Even in families where the general culture is a bit more open about sexuality, helping find partners (vs. a more general discussion about sexuality or relationships) is going to feel like crossing a line for a good number of folks. I think that's important to keep in mind; if you find that the people you were hoping to talk to about this just aren't up for it, they're allowed to feel that way and set that boundary, even if it feels unfair or disappointing to you.

Alrightie then. Thanks Mo. Let's shift the focus from asking for an environment to seek out sexual relationships to just letting a family member know if I do attend those services when I find one. This seems quite unpredictable. I could find an area for relationship-making before I move out of my family's house. I just want to talk about this knowing how to make it sound reasonable and comprehensible since a lot of people I'm around right now don't have the kinds of needs I have, probably including my family.

You don't necessarily even need to say "I'm heading out to go to a sex meetup," if that's something you wind up doing; you could just say you're heading out to a social event, a singles group, to meet friends, etc. When you live with your parents or other family members you may need to follow some house rules, but you don't need to disclose details of your personal life to them. If you want to, though, I think you can just say something like "I'm looking to meet new people" or "I'm going to some singles events where maybe I can meet a partner."

Thanks Mo, but I got completely off track here. I meant to ask for something very different, but I can't explain things worth shit. I just want to tell a family member that entering avenues that aren't explicitly sexual aren't gonna get me anywhere anytime soon. I would still be open to sexual results out of a non-sexual environment, but like I said, that wouldn't get me anywhere anytime soon. I want one really close person in my family to at least understand I have these sexual needs to be in sexual environments that aren't easy to find and access, but would give me far more exposure to different people who want and need similar things to what I want and need, and it would be better at helping me focus on making sex epic for me as well as my partner.

The thing is, you have made clear your family are very, very closed-mouth about sex, period. So, it sounds to me like you are wanting something that would be unusual -- and in some, unwanted or problematic -- even in many very sexually-open families, or a close-to-boundary-edge thing. In a family like it sounds yours is, this strikes me as way past where they are at.

Before you asked for something like this, within a family, I'd say you need, as a group, way more baby steps and more basic kinds of discussions and openness to talking about sex in a way more general way first. Otherwise, I feel like this is just going to wig everyone out, make a family already uncomfortable about sex or sex talk more so, and make you feel pretty uncomfortable yourself. It seems pretty clear that in your family, this is waaaaaaay past existing boundaries.

(Btw, I am not spacing out any kind of disability and thus, possible disability needs, on your part here, right? I worry I am forgetting something in your history.)