I'm a sexual abuse survivor, which made me very closed off to any forms of physical affection, but I consider myself a very loving person and I want someone in my life to love, cherish, take care of, and feel a deep connection with. In other words, a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The problem is that at some point, they'll probably want to have sex, which scares me. I know that any good partner will be understanding, but my anxiety will still be through the roof. I always feel like I'll never be enough if I can't get over my fear, but in these types of situations it's gotten so bad that I pretend to be a different person to numb the pain.
I also feel like I have some (dysphoria)? I feel very uncomfortable with my own genitals (I'm a cis girl). As traditionally girly as I am, I've had a desire to posses the (cis) male anatomy since I was a little girl, but I still want to be a girl. The only time I can get off during sex is when I use a strap on so I can at least not have an anxiety attack during the ordeal. I want to find love, but I don't think I can like this. Is there any way to overcome my fear?
Not Being Able To Offer As Much As I Should
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whitelucent
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Sam W
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Re: Not Being Able To Offer As Much As I Should
Hi whitelucent,
It sounds like you're dealing with some really rough emotions, and I'm so sorry that someone chose to hurt you in this way. Anxiety around touch or physical affection is common fall-out from an assault, and many survivors I've worked with struggled with it. In most cases, the biggest factor in overcoming that anxiety was time. Therapy (which it looks like you're already engaging in) and having people in their lives who respected any boundaries they set were also a big help. That's all to say that while this feels insurmountable now, there's a good chance it will change with time. In your life right now are there people, like friends or family, who you feel okay showing affection to? Or is the discomfort with it all encompassing?
With your feelings around gender and genitals, have you had a chance to read about gender-fluid or other non-binary identities? If so, do those gender identities seem to get at some of what you're feeling? There's certainly nothing odd about the way of being sexual that you describe, and finding that a strap-on is important to your sexual comfort may eliminate some partners, but not all of them (which is what you could say about any sexual preference, really).
It sounds like you're dealing with some really rough emotions, and I'm so sorry that someone chose to hurt you in this way. Anxiety around touch or physical affection is common fall-out from an assault, and many survivors I've worked with struggled with it. In most cases, the biggest factor in overcoming that anxiety was time. Therapy (which it looks like you're already engaging in) and having people in their lives who respected any boundaries they set were also a big help. That's all to say that while this feels insurmountable now, there's a good chance it will change with time. In your life right now are there people, like friends or family, who you feel okay showing affection to? Or is the discomfort with it all encompassing?
With your feelings around gender and genitals, have you had a chance to read about gender-fluid or other non-binary identities? If so, do those gender identities seem to get at some of what you're feeling? There's certainly nothing odd about the way of being sexual that you describe, and finding that a strap-on is important to your sexual comfort may eliminate some partners, but not all of them (which is what you could say about any sexual preference, really).
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.