Having a healthy attitude about pornography

[Aqua]

Before I get started, I should probably give a little background info as to why I'm having this issue. I was raised in a super conservative christian household, so I grew up with a LOT of guilt and fear about sex. I have long since abandoned the religion and tried to counter it by educating myself as much as possible in a positive way about sex (Scarleteen has been great for this!) and I've come a long way! I used to be convinced I was pregnant despite bc use and regular periods, and now I no longer fear that, I used to feel guilty about masturbation and now I'm a sex toy enthusiast, and so on. However, I realized that one aspect of sexuality in which I have failed to educate myself is the topic of porn, and I'm struggling with having a healthy perspective on it.
As you can imagine, I was never taught about what porn was, what it was for, etc.(I did recently read the scarleteen article on it though!) I was only told that it was bad and sinful. As I got older I found out that a factor in my parent's divorce was my father's porn "addiction", so that left a VERY negative impact. I would also come across my brother's pornography on our computer, which was startling at such a young age as well. My brother also has always been incredibly disrespectful to women, so my brain formed a relationship between pornography use and the way one treats women. My mom would also tell me stories all the time about friends she knew whose marriages were destroyed by porn, and it would terrify me.
I'm having trouble with my attitudes towards porn because I'm in a new relationship and my partner has told me that he watches it. He says that it's just for visual stimulation and that I really have nothing to be worried about (after I voiced my concerns) but the feeling is still nagging at me, and I know it's irrational. I feel like it would be hypocritical to say that I wouldn't want my partner to look at porn because over the years I have found that I enjoy watching burlesque shows, pin up girls, and my blog has occasionally nsfw content. I have more of a fear that they will become "addicted" to it, like in the stories that my mother told me. In reality I really don't think my partner's porn use affects our relationship whatsoever because he is incredibly respectful to me, we always seek consent with each other, and all in all he's probably my ideal sex partner. I guess I'm afraid that one day his porn use will affect our sex life? It's just hard to look past that when all of the beliefs that have been ingrained into my head about porn growing up are:
1. Men who watch porn are misogynists and will think its okay to actually treat women the way it's portrayed in porn
2. If your partner watches porn, they don't love you/aren't attracted to you and you should break up
Like I said, I know these are completely irrational, but I've never had someone talk to me about this topic in a positive way. If I was able to get past my other negative beliefs about sex, I know I can get past this, I just don't want it to ruin my enjoyment of what is an otherwise really awesome relationship.

[Mo]

Hi Aqua, and welcome to Scarleteen!

This can definitely be a tricky thing to struggle with.

I'm wondering if you saw this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... lthy_whole I think that might be a good place to start - it's an advice column and the person who wrote in is much more angry and upset about her partner looking at porn than you seem to be, so not all of the answer will apply to you, but I think many of Heather's points, and the list of things to think about, are still sound and might be helpful.

It can definitely be hard to get past myths and ideas you've internalized and been told by other people. As you said, though, you've definitely changed your thinking on a lot of things related to sexuality. In terms of the idea that porn gives men the idea that they can disrespect women, or that consuming porn means your partner doesn't love you, your best evidence right now is your current relationship with your boyfriend. It sounds like he's pretty great to you, and very respectful, so you can know that for the moment it's not causing any changes. I don't know that I can say for sure that pornography doesn't influence people's sexual beliefs and behaviors, but it seems to me that it would be more likely to have these negative effects on someone who is not having relationships, or interacting with women on a sexual or romantic basis regularly. When you are spending time with a living, breathing person and being a good partner to them, that's pretty real! And in that case, it seems to me that it's a lot harder to translate the fantasy of porn to the reality of daily life.
My point in that rambling is: if he's a good and respectful partner now, I don't think there's any solid evidence that points to him becoming a disrespectful partner because he watches porn.

A person's sexuality isn't just something that's expressed in a relationship; there's your own relationship with your sexual self. It sounds like for you, that part of your personal sexuality involves sex toys, burlesque images, etc. and part of his involves pornographic images (and to be honest, once you try to start drawing lines between "artful nude" and "erotic image" and "pornography" it can be tough to have very clear distinctions). But that's his private sexual self, just like yours is, and I think that as long as it isn't impacting your relationship, that's a pretty good sign.
Another thing I'll note is that I suspect any marriage or relationship that's "destroyed by pornography" probably had some other problems as well. It may have been a symptom of a larger problem vs. the cause of it.

I will say this, though - it's ok to be uncomfortable with pornography that's demeaning or disrespectful to women (or any other group), or that is a turn-off to you. There's a huge difference between feeling less threatened or worried about someone watching porn and accepting things that totally squick you out.

[Keda]

You know, I read the Scarleteen article about porn too, and... I wasn't that impressed. It's from the nineties as I recall, and it's just very... I'm not sure conservative is the word, but it talks a lot about the negatives of porn without really touching on any of the positives, which is very un-Scarleteen of it.

I think it is worth pointing out that there's huge variety in porn, and also in the people who watch porn and the way they think about it and integrate it into their sexual identities and lives. There is a lot of misogyny on that spectrum for sure, but there's also a lot of feminism, exploration and experimentation, and sex positvity in there too. It can be easy to be overwhelmed by the misogyny, partly because it's very much the mainstream in terms of porn production (though not necessarily porn consumption), and partly because it's the aspect that most commonly comes up in public discussion; but it is, in the end, one aspect of porn rather than the whole thing.

[Heather]

Keda: it's interesting to me it read as negative to you! It doesn't to me, so I'd be curious (in a different thread) about why you think it does to you, if you wanted to talk about that.

Aqua: one thing I'd suggest is to first see if you can't figure out how YOU -- you, Aqua, not all the things others have told you or given you messages about, the stuff you know aren't ideas coming from you yourself -- feel about pornography (or certain kinds of pornography, because in so many ways, it's so varied, that's kind of like asking someone how they feel about books, which is a mighty diverse group). I think the best place to start with something like this is to first identify your own feelings and concerns, and then we and you both can have a good place to really start.

So, as separate from the ideas and concerns of others as possible, what are yours?

[Aqua]

Hi everyone! Thanks for the replies. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about porn. The sex positive feminist in me says that if a woman wants to do porn, she should have the freedom to safely. The other feminist in me says it degrades women. The psych major in me says that it will classically condition you to only respond to a certain stimulus, thus not being able to respond to your partner (The last one is what concerns me the most)Obviously growing up I was taught it was bad, but as I spent more time on blogging sites, certain blogs that I follow would post nude photos like it was nothing and it made me at least begin to rethink the concept of nude photos. I've never ventured to a porn site on my own, just because I've never had the desire to, but I have found images/gifs of it through certain blogs. It really depends on the type. Certain types of porn or erotica is just fine, particularly when it looks like both partners are actually enjoying themselves, or the woman is being empowered, but other kinds where the woman is being controlled or treated roughly/violently (and it hasn't been categorized as a dom/sub type) bothers me. I guess I'm super particular about it, just like most people are probably particular about preferences for other aspects of their lives too. So like I've said earlier, it doesn't necessarily bother me that my partner looks at porn, but when I first found out, I was paranoid (and still somewhat am) about the types of porn that he watches since we are new in the relationship, and I was concerned that it would transfer to the way he treats me. However, last night we had a discussion on boundaries where he told me that he found certain acts to be disrespectful to me and didn't want to do them anymore (such as swallowing for example, which I imagine is probably super mainstream in porn) So conversations like that give me an idea that what he watches doesn't influence the way he treats me, I just have an irrational fear that it will.
Another thing I still can't shake (and I know I will, it's just a matter of time and help) is just the fact that I was raised with the idea that if your partner watches porn that it's because they don't love you/find you attractive. Like for me as a sex toy enthusiast, that would be like saying your partner uses sex toys because you don't please them, which is utterly ridiculous, but it's hard to shake that when it's been so deeply rooted into your belief system. The other thing is the concept of addiction, and my irrational fear of having a partner with a porn addiction. The only time I've really heard of porn "addiction" is when it has been used by those in the religious community, and they also warned that masturbation is addictive, making it sound super scary. I know that anything is addictive, but aren't those extreme cases? Like most people enjoy sexual activity and want it to be a regular part of their life, so how does "addiction" really play into that?
Anyway, on top of all this, I feel like at some point I should have another discussion with my partner about porn, because the last time we did I told him I didn't want to talk about it, and now I want to let him know that I'm actually trying to deal with the issues I have with it due to my upbringing, but I'm nervous about having that conversation.

[Johanna]

Hi Aqua!

To me it sounds like you are already doing an awesome job of working through all of this, keeping an open mind, and listening to yourself. I agree with you that your next step would probably be another conversation with your partner about this. I absolutely understand being nervous about that conversation! But you seem to have a good handle on what it is you are uncomfortable with, while simultaneously being open to examining those feelings, so you're already bringing everything to the table that is needed for a conversation like that to go well, and it also sounds like you have an understanding, respectful partner who's happy to have these honest talks with you. It might help you to print out what you've said to us here to give to your partner - that way he has a good summary of where you are at, and what your history is with this topic.

Additionally, I want to address your question re addiction: you are right that the term 'addiction' in this context is most often bandied about by people who are critical of pornography as a whole. When it comes to use of pornography, the use of it is only harmful when someone experiences it as such. Some people do feel that their consumption of pornography is a compulsive behavior, but that is not something that is inherent to pornography. Some people also find that they are compulsive eaters or that they shop compulsively, but neither of those activities are inherently harmful. Does that answer your question?

[Aqua]

I think that does help answer my question regarding addiction. Those beliefs I had growing up aren't totally 100% gone but I'm proud of myself for getting a grip on it now as opposed to later. I'm starting to feel a little better about it, so I'm grateful for everyone's responses. Now it's just a matter of having this conversation with my partner, and hopefully that will settle any last anxieties that I had.

[Snorkmaiden]

When it comes to use of pornography, the use of it is only harmful when someone experiences it as such.

I can't say I agree with that. Porn could be doing someone harm (for example, by giving them unrealistic expectations) without them knowing until later.

[Johanna]

Snorkmaide - that is true! I should have worded that more carefully. I was talking specifically in the context of Aqua's question about addiction to pornography, and thus refering to frequency of use and someone's feelings about that.

[Aqua]

Snorkmaiden, I agree to an extent, but that can be applicable to anything. Someone who reads a bunch of romance novels without actually experiencing a romantic relationship may possibly have unrealistic expectations about love, for example.

Anyway, my partner and I had a long conversation last night. I knew he loved and respected me in a general sense, but in our conversation he really explained the extent to which he does, and I could never imagine someone treating me so well We discussed everything about my concerns and he basically proved wrong all of the negative beliefs that I had. I feel relieved that we are free to have our sexualities with and apart from each other with complete trust that we both respect each other. Thank you all for helping me through this. I feel proud to have conquered another hurdle of sex negativity and I'm so happy to move forward in such a great relationship

[Heather]

What a great, big bunch of yay! That's fantastic.