Found out that my boyfriend sexually assaulted an ex during his last relationship...

[olimanon]

I deeply apologize if this is the wrong place for this post, and please feel free to remove it if it is.

I've been going out with this guy for about 8 months now and I've been head over heels in love with him, I've liked him since our first year of college. Let's call him Bob. Bob had had a pretty rough breakup a few semesters ago, but I did not know a lot of the details about it until recently. I did know a good friend of his from highschool had died a few semesters ago and he had gotten severely depressed, which is what I heard was the main cause of the breakup.

A mutual friend of Bob and I, let's call him Steve, recently told me that Bob's ex had come to him to say that Bob had sexually assaulted her; basically what I got was that they were both very drunk, and as Bob and his ex were about to have sex she decided she did not want to have sex anymore. It sounds like she did not verbally communicate this to Bob, but was giving off clear signals that she was not into the situation. Afterwards the ex told Steve that she deeply regretted the situation and felt horrible, but she never reported this to anyone. I don't think Bob currently knows about this or anything about the situation, which makes this so much worse.

I'm now horribly stressed out and upset about all this-if anyone else came to me with this story I would tell them to break up with their SO immediately, but I...I know I should break up with him but I care about him so much. I cant excuse his actions, and I think I'm going to break up with him at the end of this year (we're graduating college), but I'm just so heartbroken to hear that someone I care so much about did something so terrible, possibly without any idea of his actions. I keep trying to wrap my head around the situation and pretend like it's not real, and I'm still dating this wonderful guy who I love and care about who hasn't sexually assaulted anyone. If anyone has any experience with this or has any advice Id love to hear it, I kinda just need someone to talk to right now :'(

Thank you everyone <3

[Sam W]

Hi olimanon,

It's completely understandable that you're feeling torn and wrong-footed by this. You've been given a piece of information that clashes with everything you thought you knew about someone you loved, and that can make your heart and your brain feel all twisted up.

You already know what you need to do, because you've already run the exercise of "what if someone I cared about came to me for advice about this" and determined that you'd tell them to the end the relationship. I think that's a sound conclusion to come to, even if it will be a hard thing for you to do. It sounds like part of what you're struggling with is whether to end the relationship now or in a few months. Do I have that right?

There's a few thoughts I'll offer you that might help you sort through the situation. One is that a lot of studies that have been done on body language and non-verbal cues show that people are actually quite good at reading when someone is uncomfortable/doesn't want a certain thing. What that means is that, even if we factor in the alcohol, your boyfriend was likely somewhat aware that his now-ex wasn't into what was happening. I also wonder why his ex didn't feel comfortable verbalizing her "no" or comfortable addressing this with him after the fact. While she's the only one who can truly answer those questions, and she could have a myriad of reasons for her choices, we do have to accept the possibility that they were due to her not feeling safe. Does all of that make sense?

[olimanon]

Sam, thank you so much for replying. I completely understand what you're getting at, and I greatly appreciate your advice. My problem is not just deciding when to break up, but also if I want to confront him about the situation right now - I don't have any fear for my physical safety, but the problem is is that the ex told Steve she did not want me to hear about her assault. She was saying she was worried for me, and told Steve about her experience, but has not told me in person about her assault, and Steve brought it up unprompted to me. I don't know how to bring it up with Bob, as there has truly been nothing wrong in our relationship until now, and I don't know if I want to break up out of the blue right before the school year starts.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome. Since it sounds like the ex wants to limit the number of people who know about what happened, it seems like it would be respectful to her to not mention it. Something else to consider is that even if you mentioned the assault without naming the ex specifically, he may then try to argue with you and the conversation will become focused on him trying to defend himself/convince you the other person is lying rather than on you making it clear to him that the relationship is over.

That does, however, leave you in kind of a weird spot with trying to end things. It may be that your best option is to use a vague or general reason for why you want to break-up, and we can help you figure out a script for that if you like. It may also help to think about it this way: you don't owe anyone an explanation for a break-up, even though it can make you feel more comfortable if you have a clear reason to give them for why you're ending things. That can suck to do, and to be on the receiving end of, and it can make you feel like you're being a jerk. But in this case it may help you make a cleaner break as well as prevent the ex from being the target of any blowback.