Scarleteen

My boyfriend and I took a year break due to long distance and during that break he has had three one night stands and another girlfriend, and I had another boyfriend.

We've since gotten back together but I'm struggling to deal with his past partners and wondering if he's comparing me to them and wishing I were more like them and it's driving me insane. I've never been through this type of issue before and I'm not sure how to handle it and just wanting to hear from other people who have gone through this and how they learned to deal with it

Hi,

Relationships can be really complicated. And since you just got back together after he was with a few other people and you were with someone else, that does add another layer of conplexity to the relationship.

The first thing I would assess is exactly what you're worried about regarding your boyfriend's past partners. Are you worried that he's not interested in you? Does he give off an impression that he's into someone else? Does he talk about his exes a lot? Those are just some of the things you might want to think about when considering what's bothering you the most about this situation.

Honestly, the easiest way to go about this is to ask him, but at the same time it's definitely not an easy thing to do. I think taking time to sort out why you're feeling insecure in the relationship can help if you decide to have this conversation with your boyfriend. That way you'll know what you want out of it and be able to pinpoint exactly what's bothering you, and do it in a way that no one feels defensive (like saying "I've felt this way" instead of giving the impression that he is).

We've talked about it. He's told me anything I wanted to know and my issue is worrying I'm not good enough or that he's comparing me to them or wishing I were more like them even though he tells me he doesn't.

We dated for almost three years before we took a break and have been back together for almost 3 months now and we've gone over everything. We've both been open when it comes to asking questions about the other people but no matter what it bothers me and unless I ask him what happened I picture the absolute worst with him being with someone else and it brings back wondering if I'm good enough etc and I can get that feeling to stop. I'm starting to worry I'm being so insecure he'll get sick of it and I want it to stop, but I don't know how to stop being this insecure about things. And it's not even just his past. I hate my body more than I like it, I don't think anyone likes me, I have a hard time trusting people and make jokes when he goes out with friends not to pick up a rebound even though I'm not completely joking about it etc.

I have a long history of sexual abuse (I'm fine having sex with people, that doesn't conflict with that part at all) but it messed with me so mentally that I got into self harming and now I can't seem to get out of those and I feel like that plays a lot into it and he's asked me several times why I torture myself with these kinds of thoughts and I don't have a good answer because I truly don't know. Like him, I want it to stop. I absolutely hate being this insecure all the time wondering if I'm good enough and enough to make him happy with just me and no one else

It sounds like you're going through a lot. I'm glad you were able to talk with your boyfriend about this and it's good that you recognize where the root issue is. I'm really sorry you had to go through abuse - no one deserves that. I really feel like you would benefit from talking with someone. Have you ever talked about these issues with anyone before?

In the meantime, there are several places you can call if you feel the urge to self-harm again. The National Suicidal Prevention Lifeline (‪1-800-273-8255) ‬isn't just for anyone who's reeling suicidal but also self-harm.

thewrit3r has said some really compassionate and wise things here

ICantThink, It's sounding like you're having a really tough time with how you feel about yourself, and that you don't like or value yourself very much. Do I have that right?

If we don't like or value our own self very much, it tends to be very difficult to understand that anyone else could like or value us. So in that sense, it makes some sense that you're struggling with comparing yourself to your boyfriend's previous partners. If we don't have the concept within us that we're "good enough", we simply don't have that concept to be able to apply it to how anyone else thinks of us and feels about us.

Abuse can have a big impact on how we feel about our own self. From your previous posts, it also sounds like your family and home hasn't been generally supportive or safe for you, which also typically impacts on how we think of our own self. Like thewrit3r above, I'd also ask if you've had any proper support for these things, and whether it's something you'd consider at the moment?

As a piece of practical advice, I'd suggest that you try to stop making jokes that aren't really jokes to your boyfriend about him finding someone else. For a few reasons: for one, you deserve to acknowledge the way you feel. You're allowed to feel the way that you do - even though it's not all that healthy and it's painful for you, you're allowed to feel your feelings, and your feelings matter. Too, he probably senses - or will at some point - that you're not completely joking, but framing it as a joke leaves neither of you with the real tools to respond to it in a way that's compassionate to either of you. Might you be able to say something more frank instead? Something that communicates "you're not doing anything wrong, it's not your job to fix this and I'm not asking you to, I'm feeling very insecure"? How do you think he'd do with that?

With your boyfriend, are there things that he does or says that make you feel appreciated and cared for? Things that he likes saying and doing?

He's done an amazing job over the years. He's never gotten angry with me when I have my moments, sometimes frustrated with how often it happens or with me torturing myself with things but never angry and that's helped a lot. He's always told me (even when there weren't others involved) to tell him when I was having my moments and he'd get cheesy or just listen to me talk about it. He just recently found out about the abuse but has known of the self harming since we've been together (I've been 5 years "clean" with that and I'm not worried about going back to that) but outside of that I have a worry that if i get too insecure too often hell get frustrated of hearing about it and leave for someone who isn't insecure. Something he told me his ex wasn't that was like a giant weight of "well she didn't annoy him with insecurities so I shouldn't because then hell compare and wish I were more like her" so it's a battle between telling him and keeping it limited so it doesn't get annoying, because it is. Even I think it is.

My dad used to abuse counseling with me so I'm not too fond of it, and I've only admitted the abuse to three people - one of whom is dead and my former step mom who did nothing to stop it but actually used it as a threat of if I didn't behave she'd send me to his house. It happened 10 years ago and I'm barely just not told my boyfriend and a close friend going through a similar thing and that's only because I saw the guy a couple months back and people started noticing me panic more often.

My entire life almost my sister has been the favorite, whether it was good or bad attention it didn't matter and part of that led to the abuse happening because no one noticed what was going on with me. Through most of my childhood and still today, I don't feel good enough based off how my family has always treated me and was told not to complain and deal with my problems on my own. I've considered getting into counseling for it but then I have the nagging worry that they'll assume it's all because I'm an insecure girl worrying about a boy.

Hi Ican'tThink,

It sounds like your boyfriend genuinely wants to be a supportive force in your life and that he'd be open to you telling him how you've been feeling. If you're worried about overwhelming him with your insecurities, one way to think about communicating with him is: you don't need to tell him every tiny detail of them, and there will even be some times when it helps to process them in a journal or other space to sort out what parts you want to discuss with him. But really, you're not being horribly needy or annoying by having insecurity and feelings that you want to address with a partner. You could even treat the suggestions Redskies made about communicating as a series of baby steps. So, trying to not make jokes that are not really jokes about this, seeing how that goes, and then progressing to the next step. Does that make sense?

It does sound like counseling could be a useful space for you right now, although having it used as a weapon against you by an abuser is making you (understandably) wary of it. If you do decide to pursue it, it's really unlikely that the person you see will dismiss you as just having "boy problems." That's partially because you've got trauma in your past that needs to be taken seriously. But even if you didn't, a good counselor is not going to dismiss your insecurities, because it's their job to help you examine those feelings and help you manage them (and if they do dismiss your feelings, it's time for a new counselor).

Thank you guys, I've been trying to keep a journal but I start slacking with that. I'd really prefer not to be with my experiences with it, but looking into counseling won't hurt anything and ill start considering that instead of immediately turning down the idea.

You're welcome! If at any point you have questions about the process of finding a counselor, you're welcome to ask them here (we've also got this article that can help you out Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy ). Too, if at any point when you're looking for counselors or trying counseling out something is giving you a weird feeling, we can talk about that as well.