Should I tell my parents?

[mountainhome]

My parents are heavily Christian and have stressed that they want me to stay a virgin until I'm married. They are very strict and barely trust me having a boyfriend because they think I'm a wh@re by nature. I'm afraid that if they find out that me and my boyfriend have a physical relationship that they'll hurt me, restrict my freedom in extreme ways, or generally treat as sub-human. However, my boyfriend's parents are easygoing, accepting, and supportive of us. They are aware that me and my boyfriend engage in sexual activities, and are open to talk to us about our health and safety. Is it immoral that I am keeping our activities a secret to my parents? Should I open up to them about it anyways regardless of what the consequences may be?

[Sam W]

Hi Mountainhome,

If you think there's a chance that your parents would hurt you or otherwise severely punish you if they found out, then the safest thing to do is to not tell. It's not immoral to keep yourself safe (I'd argue it's not immoral to not tell your parents everything either). Your parents forfeited their right to know about certain details of your life when they made you feel unsafe around that topic. Does that make sense?
Can you tell me a little more about how they are in general? In other words, does the scary behavior seem restricted to sex and dating, or does it turn up in the way they interact with you about most things?

Edited to add: Because we want you to be safe, I want to ask if you are using a computer or phone that you know is safe and that your parents are not monitoring.

[mountainhome]

My parents do not monitor my phone, surprisingly.
My parents are strict and are a little on the "old fashioned" side, and not just when it comes to sex/relationships either. They disapprove of a lot of important decisions I make in my life. For example, I recently switched up my plan for college. I was originally going to attend a 4-year school for $40k a year for meteorology, but now I want to go to a 2-year school for $3k a year for gunsmithing. When I told them this, they went off about how I was a stupid teenager and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Also, while I'm on the topic of education, they're trying to force me to stay in high school for 4 years instead of 3, yet I've made the decision to graduate early anyways. They still keep calling me a stupid teenager for that.
They also don't care about my health, like at all. If I want to see a doctor for something, it takes me MONTHS at a time to convince them to let me go to one. For example, last year in May 2016, I went to the doctor for chronic migraines, but the migraines had started back in September 2015. I had been begging my mom day after day to let me see a doctor, but she always snapped at me and said, "It's not cancer, stop freaking out, nothing's wrong with you." She still does this, but she's become more lenient on her doctor rules though. I've been having heart palpitations since August 2016, and she allowed me to see a doctor in December and April. But I still should have seen a doctor first in August, you know? One of my friends parents suggested that my parents don't love me because of this (and I can't really get angry at her for saying this, she was drunk at the time, but what she said still stung me).
They're also just anti-me growing up. As in they don't want me doing more adult things. When I wanted to get a job, they screamed at me for being a stupid teenager that doesn't need money that's trying to grow up too fast (I got a job anyways though). They are not happy with how I use my money, though I think what I'm doing it smart. I save exactly 85% of my paychecks in my saving (for college, emergency money, etc), and keep the other 15% in my checking for whatever I want to spend it on. I spend my extra money on food, clothes, makeup, etc, and they're never happy when I tell them I spent some of my money. They especially don't like it when I spend it on food because I'm supposed to be on a low-carb diet (that I never asked to participate in, by the way; my parents wanted to lose weight with a low-carb diet and it worked so well for them that they decided that I should join). And speaking of clothes and makeup, they think I'm a sl@t and "asking for it" whenever I wear things like skirts, dresses, or heels. When I first told them I go a boyfriend, they advised me to immediately stop wearing skirts/dresses because then my boyfriend will rape me.
I'm allowed to hang out wth friends, and they're allowed to drive me places, and we're allowed to go out in public without adult supervision, but my parents require me to send them pictures of what we're doing or send my location to prove I'm not "up to anything." My mom is especially suspicious about me getting into trouble with the law. She thinks I do drugs; she's tried to search my room before (and found nothing because I don't do drugs.) She also thinks I could break into places or steal or vandalize things but I would never EVER do that.
My parents have never abused me or made threats to hurt me, but I still have that fear that they could possibly hurt me. I know that they could threaten to pull me out of a public school and switch me to an online school. They could also restrict my time spent with friends and my boyfriend. They could take away things like my phone, my bike, credit card, etc.
I understand where they're coming from with their strictness. They used to be Hollywood rockers in the 80s/90s and were the "clean" ones in a city full of notorious drug addicts, prostitutes, and alcoholics. The music industry and culture started to scare them, so they left when I was a toddler and came to a small town in Arizona. I've grown up here, safe from all that awful stuff that Hollywood has to offer. But they still treat me as if I were growing up in Hollywood and that's the issue. I'm safe from things like an extreme crime rate, and drugs being alarmingly accessible to me, etc.
So in short, I haves issues with my parents and how they view me as a person based on their past. And I'm sure I'm not in any physical danger, but I still have my own freedom on the line.

[Alice O]

Hi mountainhome,

I'm so sorry to hear about the ways your parents have been treating you Whatever you feel comfortable calling this behavior is up to you, but I should note that this does fall within the realm of emotional abuse. It is totally not ok for your parents to be saying demeaning things to you (like calling you "stupid" or a "slut"). It also totally not ok for them to be attempting to control all these aspects of your life--how you dress, what you eat, what you study, proving where you are, searching your room, and restricting your access to healthcare.

(On that last note, if you would like our help with receiving healthcare without going through your parents, that is something we can talk about.)

It sounds like not living with you parents would be an important next step in maintaining/expanding that freedom you mention. You said that you are graduating early (congratulations!) and will be beginning a 2-year college program soon (another congratulations!). Is the college you will be attending in your hometown or somewhere different? Are you planning to continue living at home or move out? How feasible does it feel for you to move out in the near future, and most importantly: is that something that interests you?

Lastly, please continue to be careful with when/where/how you access this conversation, as it doesn't seem outside the realm of possibility that your parents could decide to search/monitor your phone...

[mountainhome]

Oh don't worry about my parents finding this conversation. I have sneaky ways of hiding stuff on my phone.
Firstly, I think I'd rather stick with my method of finding healthcare. I'm positive I'm getting more doctor's appointments in the future. In fact my parents have complied to take me to a local lab on Tuesday to get me an electrocardiogram (and they're not bluffing; I saw the paperwork).
Secondly, I'm really uneasy about moving out now. I just finished my sophomore year of high school and next year will be my junior year/graduating year. After graduation, I will start my education at the 2-year college which is close to our home now. However, my dilemma is that I will still be a minor at that point and will still legally be under the control of my parents.
My options at that point would be to either live in the dorms, live with my parents, or find an apartment myself. Most ideally I'd live in the dorms at the college but I still want to avoid that because it's really expensive. Finding an apartment would be hard to do as well because my options for roommates is narrow.
Even if I am technically being "emotionally abused" by my parents, I still love them and need them. They're rich. They provide me with a home, food, running water, electricity, internet, phone service, etc. My dad buys me a rose every week to show how much he loves me. I can't provide myself with all the aforementioned things because I work part time at $10 per hour, which can't pay bills at all. I could have a partner to support me, but again my options are narrow. I only have 2 friends that work, both of which are part time for $10/hr, and neither or which have a want or need to move out on their own.
My current boyfriend could support me in this, however, he has his own stresses at home. He cannot get a job due to some complications with his family being government-supported, and he has to watch over his terminally-ill father. Although he has talked to me about how he wants to to move out of his parents' house and live a better life than the one he's living now. Nevertheless, I don't think I should risk trying to live independently with him for multiple reasons.
I should probably tell you that I will be speaking to an in-person counselor soon as well. They've somehow allowed me to see one!

[Sam W]

I can't tell you how glad I am that you'll be talking to a counselor. That kind of support can be really helpful when you're dealing with situations like this, and hopefully they'll be a space where you feel supported.

It sounds like you've thought through a lot of your options (and that you're already taking steps, like saving a lot of your paycheck, to help you get out and do what you want in the future which is super awesome). Do I have it right that becoming an emancipated minor doesn't seem viable to you because of financial issues? If so, then the best option in toxic home situations that you can't get out of soon is to try and fly under the radar by avoiding things that make your parents angry (obviously, they way they're acting they'll always find something to be angry at you about, but they may have common triggers that you can avoid when possible to make the situation livable). Would you like some information on how to do that?

I want to add that the way you feel about your parents is really common, even for people who's parent's are abusive or otherwise toxic. It makes total sense that you love them, and I believe you when you say they're not awful all the time. But the truth is toxic people seldom are awful all the time, and the moments where they're kind and loving don't cancel out the moments when they hurt you (or vice versa). That's one of the things that can make living in the kind of situation you're in so difficult.

[mountainhome]

Is it too late to reply to this?
I have now seriously considered becoming an emancipated minor. Soon I will talk to my counselor about it, consult school administration, and possibly my employer too.
Do you think it would be really worth it? To go through all that trouble to provide for myself so young? I mean, I would finally be receiving medical treatment, and maybe avoid some verbal harassment while I'm at it, but...would it be too over-the-top? Or an overreaction?

[Sam W]

Nope, not too late!

Ultimately, the person who can decide if emancipation is worth it is you. As you're talking with your counselor and employer, and whoever else needs to be consulted to make this happen, you can weigh the pros and cons of what they tell you against the pros and cons of staying at home. You're right that being an emancipated minor is difficult, but in certain situations those difficulties are worth it if the situation with a family is unsustainable.

One other way to think about it is this: what would need to change at home for you to feel comfortable and healthy living there? How likely is it that those changes will happen? And is making them happen going to be harder and more painful than the struggles that go with being emancipated?